Economy “Banged It’s Head On A Rock” Minister Reveals

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen pictured yesterday reassuring the Dáil that he bore no responsibility for the death of the Irish economy

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen told the Minister for Theft that “the economy banged it’s head against a rock during a row they had over his not putting out the rubbish”. The claim was made during the debate about the Opaque Inquiry into the banking crisis.

Brian Lenihan (50) was speaking on the 2nd day of the government’s alleged full debate on the proposed investigation into the death of the Irish economy on September 8th, 2008.

Mr Cowen, an amateur politician and part time lounge singer, has pleaded not guilty to contributing to poisoning the country’s finances while the electorate were at work.

The economy died of fatal injuries after Mr Cowen’s predecessor Mr Ahern said he found Lehmann Brothers Bank attacking the economy on the patio. Mr Ahern last week claimed to have ended world hunger and brought geological stability to Haiti.

Mr Lenihan, a finance minister, said Brian Cowen introduced him to the Irish economy, referring it for massage. It was a weekly concern of his at the Department of Finance for a number of months before the economy collapsed and died. Mr Lenihan said he usually rubber stamped things and took special care to read reports “…not in [their] entirety”.

He said Mr Cowen phoned him in some agitation over the state of the economy in “mid to late August or early September 2008” and met him three times over the following day by which time they had decided to “gaurantee the banks, pay them anything they want”.

He said he did not want to know anything about the death of the economy, but that Mr Cowen insisted on telling him.

“He basically said that economy asked him to take out the rubbish and he forgot,” he said. “Seemingly the economy went mad and hurled abuse. It told him he was “a terrible acting Taoiseach, useless”.”

The row started in the kitchen but the economy went out onto the patio, Mr Cowen told him.

“He said the ground was wet and the economy fell. “He made an analogy to a beach ball, the way it bounced back up”,” Mr Lenihan said. “”He said the economy went mad, that it was so dependent on construction that it was shouting at him”.”

He said the economy and Mr Cowen said disgusting things to each other, there was a scuffle and he had it pinned up against glass, Mr Lenihan told the inquiry.

“He said they both slipped and ended up on the ground,” he said, explaining that the scuffle continued there, with the economy ‘in freefall’ and going ‘berserk’.

““It started biting his arse”” Mr Lenihan said, adding that he described the pain as ‘distant’. “”He said he felt as though somebody was trying to get his attention”.”

“He said he asked the economy to stop bothering him and go and be ignored by the financial regulator instead but the economy would not let go so he ‘gently pushed it’ away onto the long finger”, Mr Lenihan continued.

“”All of a sudden there was a ‘pop’ noise”” he said.

Mr Lenihan said Cowen told him that the economy “slipped in and out of stability a few times and rallied at one stage”.

““It came back. He asked it was it OK”,” Mr Lenihan said. ““It said it was”.”

He said it had cuts and bruises. The economy asked what they had do and he rang Mr Ahern. On his advice they agreed to tell the electorate that Lehmann Brothers were responsible, “…which is the God’s honest truth in any case” Mr Lenihan testified.

““I asked where did the reckless financial planning come from”,” he said, explaining that he had read about it in a newspaper. “”Mr Cowen said it must have been left under the economy by the Rainbow Coalition of the mid 1990’s when he pushed it”.”

Several articles of Mr Cowen’s clothing stained with the Irish economy’s blood which were discovered in subsequent searches have been ruled inadmissable by the inquiry as it is only interested in events up to September of 2008 as everything has been absolutely “fine and dandy” since that date. The Opaque Inquiry is expected to find that nobody in MaFFianna Fail is responsible for anything but sweetness and acts of christian charity after its establishment later this year.

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