Discovered Nostradamus Texts ‘Predicted Reshuffle, Anglo, Bertie and Crash’ – Expert

An oilskin wrapped packet containing coded notes hand written 500 years ago by the prophet Nostradamus which were discovered by a penniless Galwegian scholar last week contain quatrains predicting key aspects of Ireland’s present economic woes including Anglo Irish Bank’s role, former Taoisigh and other warnings of an impending apocalypse – the claim follows detailed analysis of the documents by the man “who watches Time Team a lot”

“The signs are all there that the end of days is upon us” says unemployed Nostradamus interpreter Professor Ryan Bigot formerly Dean of Advanced Whinging at UCG. Professor Bigot insists that an asteroid or “Feckin’ huge lump of a rock” is heading for north eastern Europe. “The subsequent impact will destroy everything in Ireland causing massive insurance claims that’ll ruin the sums over NAMA and leave the three surviving Irish people on the planet crippled with repayments” he explains. Professor Bigot also hints that the asteroid will threaten much of the European continent and Frank Fahey’s property portfolio.

“The feckin Brits will survive though” says Professor Bigot foaming lightly at the mouth “..by detonating their radiation shield in Sellafield at the precise moment of impact causing the thing to explode over Waterford and make Ireland take all of the brunt meant for England as well the bastards”.

Artist’s impression of Ireland’s next problem

KEY
1 NAMA properties
2 owned by Frank Fahey TD
3 Soveriegn territory who’s emissaries are exempt from prosecution under Irish law
4 Feckin’ huge lump of a rock

Asked by reporters yesterday what the signs were, Professor Bigot pointed at the reappearance of Guinness Light and massive queues outside the passport office on Molesworth Street. He also published a Nostradamus quatrain which he says predicted the role of key players in the crash including former Taoiseach and loveable spiv Bertie Ahern:

And there will be in the north of the Norseman’s settlement…

A man who is a bollox. Mangler of speech

A taker of dig-outs…

I’d watch him, if I were you

Aye, and his mate McCreevy

Another predicts Anglo:

A son of the land of Patric [sic]

His name shall be similar

Curly grey hair and the morals of a rat

A moneylender with deep pockets

Nothing in them but his hands

But sure, they’re all at it

A third predicts the end of days

Black piss will be on sale again…

The foul mouthed idiot assistant to the acting chief

Will be put in charge of the teachers…

Fuck me, Coughlan in education?

I ask you…?

The documents are available to view in Neary’s of Suffok Street by arrangement with Professor Bigot for a fee of three pints.

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