Curseyoumoriarty Tribunal Publishes Final Report – States Bleedin’ Obvious

Mr Michael Lowry

Fourteen years after lifting the lid on the alleged corrupt activities surrounding the awarding of the country’s second mobile telephone licence to the Ufat Bastdardfone consortium headed by Maltese billionaire Wiggy O’Brien, the Curseyoumoriarity Tribunal has made public it’s findings in it’s long awaited final report.

It finds that Mr Michael Lowry as sitting Minister for Communications at the time gave “substantive information to Wiggy O’Brien, of significant value and assistance to him in securing the [Ufat Bastdardfone] licence”.

Mr O’Brien, who recently won a country in an earthquake, refutes the tribunal’s findings as they are not based solely on his [Mr O’Brien’s] recollections but rather on the opinion of Mr Justice Moriarity [a qualified judge].

Businessman Ben Dunne who also comes in for rebuke in the report has made much today of the Tribunal’s refusal to take into consideration his mental state at the time of the alleged corruption by Mr Lowry. Mr Dunne again drew attention to his lodging with the Tribunal legal team of several notarized photographs of him [Mr Dunne] wearing a Napoleon costume and “looking fecking doolally”.

Tribunal Findings In Detail

The tribunal also made the following observations:

Bears “substantively shit in the woods”.

The Supreme Pontiff in Rome displayed “an appreciable tendency toward being Catholic,” and had “regular interactions with a Mr G. Odd in which he sought and received substantive information on the activities of one King of Kings who through him, with him [and] in him, made his preference as between the chosen and the damned known”.

“In the cynical and venal abuse of the lower East Side, the brazen refusal to acknowledge the impropriety of his financial arrangements with Mr “Lucky” Luciani and Mr “Spats” Brannigan, and by his contemptuous disregard for his taxation obligations, Mr Al Capone displayed qualities similar in nature, and has cast a further shadow over his community’s public life.”

“Mr D. Vader originally of Tatooine, currently of no fixed Death Star was far from being an encouraging but disinterested Sith Lord, who responded positively to the advice of his Most High Emperor Palpatine that he should exercise caution in dealings with Young Skywalker.”

“What was reprehensible about his actions was that he attempted to overvalue the Broadway musical Springtime For Hitler, of which, as the show’s co-producer, Mr Bialystok was the ultimate shareholder.” – the report states referring to its finding that Mr Bialystok sought to sell over 3085% [of the show] to little old ladies”.

“Had his attempt succeeded, the resultant benefit would have been at the expense of the [little old] ladies, the shares of which Mr Bialystok held on behalf of his co-accused Mr Leo Bloom, and therefore at the expense of the Broadway patrons,” it adds.

The G-type star which the Earth orbits appears to “rise up over the horizon at least once every 24 hours, or one of [your] standard earth days”.

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