Cabinet Reconvenes – Confidence Replummets

The Cabinet reconvened yesterday to compare tans for the first time since the end of the St Patrick’s Day junket season which finished just before the summer break.

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan briefed his ministerial colleagues on the situation regarding Anglo Irish Bank, which announced last Tuesday that it had made an €8.2 billion loss for the first six months of the year. His colleagues now sagely favour an orderly wind down of the bank over a 372 year period.

Green Party Ministers informed ministerial colleagues that they now prefer “… a quicker wind-down of the government…er….bank….we mean bank. Not government. No….Ow! Stop giving me a Chinese wrist burn…I’m telling”.

Meanwhile, the Government’s discussion with the European Commission on Anglo is also expected to conclude this month, in which timeframe the crippled ‘bank’ will have sucked millions more euro to oblivion like Ivor Callely on an expenses cheque.

Mr Lenihan and acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen also held discussions on the estimates for the upcoming December budget, which will seek €3 billion in cutbacks and taxes – government sources have been floating the proposal since last week that up to €39 million of this could be raised through compulsory sale of the firstborn of each family to members of the Saudi royal family as “pets”. Other less extreme plans will save another €73 million, including rendering the elderly for saleable food and possessions; and a controversial ’come-all-ye” levy to be imposed on The Furey Brothers, The High Kings, The Chieftains and Brian Kennedy. Davey Arthur is to be exempted

Mighty Jabba the Health warned that the scale of cuts in the health budget next year will be “erronia thakk agba orree..ho ho ho ho ho” and will have serious consequences for health services.

In a related story, undead Anglo Irish Bank is to target a number of key international ‘players’ with new products designed to entice inward investment to the institution based on the strength of the national bank guarantee.

A member of the international investment community receives one of Anglo’s mailshots

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