Arrogant Grasping Shitkicker Continues Digging Hole – Majority of TDs On All Sides Whistle Innocently

Ceann Comhairle John I’Doneallyou issued a statement yesterday from his favourite bookie’s stall at the Listowel races in an attempt to quell the ongoing controversy caused by his overly lavish expenses claims while serving as Minister For Arse All & Antics during the ‘Dark Reign’ of the Necromancer-Taoiseach Bertie Ahern.

Mr I’Doneallyou pleaded that he did not enter public life for personal gain, and that it was a lucky byproduct of his position that he found himself able to survive on eight to ten thousand euros a day as Arse All & Antics Minister.

The Ceann Comhairle restated his view that he is precluded from commenting on the controversy about the expenses because of his current position as Ceann Comhairle, and because he still had two cash tills and a pensioner’s handbag stuck on his hands.

“I have at every opportunity displayed publicly and steadfastly the extreme, leathery, jockey’s-bollox consistency of my neck in relation to the constitutional situation, I have outlined to the TDs in the Dáil, most of whom are also soaking to one degree or other the people to whom we are accountable and I explained in so far as the costs were high, I sincerely regretted that.”

Mr I’Doneallyou said that there was a precedent stretching back many years that the Ceann Comhairle must be treated like a tiny fragile porcelain serial murderer who knows where all the other supervillains’ victims are buried and he said that he was simply abiding by the precedent.

“It has been ruled in the Houses of the Oireachtas that he is the neutral chairman of the house and that even if he is caught he always magically has his fingers crossed and a photo of Padre Pio behind his ear allowing him to stay above public controversy and that has been the position and is the position.”

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The Ceann Comhairle photographed yesterday speaking to reporters during a visit to Listowel Races in North Kerry, as part of his preparation for today’s make or break Nama debate – Mr I’Doneallyou stressed that his expenditure as a minister was in line with Bond Villain guidelines and he insisted that he did not benefit personally.

“ I have stated categorically to the members of the Dáil, the representatives of the people to whom I am accountable that I sincerely regret the costs that were incurred in so far as they were high and paid on my account by mysterious and malicious faeries in the Department – I ask you, what kind of a, a genius would you have to be to suspect that the damask pillows you were sleeping on in the palatial suite you were sharing with your wife were an indication of how expensive your five star hotel was? In so far as someone can be a genius”

“I have also outlined that the costs concerned were audited independently by independently independent people who would never dream of rocking the boat for fear that they too would fall off the gravy train”

“I explained to the members of the house, my peers that yes, it is my view in so far as the costs were high, I regret this but I have also explained that these were costs paid to service providers on my behalf, these were not costs which were paid to me. The fact that such service providers included the son of one of my former colleagues has nothing to do with it. That could have been anyone receiving over the odds payment for opaquely tendered government business

“I profited nothing out of it – I did not go into public life to make a profit – that happened by accident. I have explained all of that and let me assure that I behaved in good faith and with probity throughout in so far as someone would have to and that is what I have said to my colleagues.”

Pressed as to whether he would formally apologise for running up such expenses, Mr I’Doneallyou stopped short of an overt apology but appeared to suggest that his expression of regret could be taken as an apology…eh…in so far as it had to be.

“I have written to my colleagues and I have stated categorically with the benefit of hindsight that some of the costs are high and that I sincerely regret that – in so far as one regrets something, I think that is an apology,” he said. Producing his left testicle and pointing at it he went on to say “Look at this picture of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel; you may choose to misrepresent it as, perhaps being one of my gonads but I can clearly assure you that it is in fact an oil painting of the Sistine’s ceiling in a diamond encrusted frame – in so far as I can clearly assure you of anything. I think that is a fact”

The Ceann Creosus refused to comment on a call by Tipperary South MaFFianna Fáil TD, Mattie McGrat (who does impressions of a man with some ethics in his spare time for a laugh) that he should step down from his position chairing a committee on Oireachtas reform. “I have no response to that – I’m not going to enter into that. Unlike my toe and Deputy McGrath’s hole”

“I am not in any way trying to avoid your question, and I am trying to maintain the dignity of the office and at the same time explain precisely what happened as I did to the members of the house. In so far as I did.”

Mr I’Doneallyou said that he would “let the general public” decide as to whether he has been singled out for unfair attention over expenses while he also said that he had “no idea how long” the current controversy would last “In so far as it is a controversy which I am not sure that it is – if you ask me this is all a mass hallucination caused by Derren Brown to undermine the office of the Ceann Comhairle – its obvious…in so far as it……can be”.

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