Anglo Irish Bank Record €8,200,000,000 Loss Explained

The Chairman of Anglo, Alan “The Ash Zombie” Dukes has beeen explaining to admirers the €8.2 billion loss by Anglo Irish Bank in the first 6 months of this year. The losses are the best ever by any Irish company, which Mr. Dukes points to as proof of Anglo’s contribution to Irish cultural life.

Alan Dukes - Anglo Haircut Worse Than Expected

Dukes: Worse-than-expected Haircut

The losses include “write-downs”, “haircuts”, “whoopsies” and “shit that just slipped down the back of the couch when the kids were messing about with it”.

Mr. Dukes insists that Anglo Irish Bank’s plan to create a small good bank will work, despite the fact that the ECB, many leading economists and the majority of dogs have pointed out the plan’s over-reliance on the existence of goblins, faeries and “a bottomless pit of gold”.

Anglo bosses will not say whether the €25 billion already given to the bank by the government will turn out to be sufficient but have issued a statement reading simply “Fingers crossed, lads  :-)”.

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