AIB Executive Chairman Claims €40,000,000 Bonuses Are From “The Past”
AIB’s Executive Chairman David Hassomeneck, has explained that the payment of bonuses to a number of employees is not actually happening now but is a reflection of the past.
“There is a time-space anomaly, which has occurred in a fridge in the kitchen at AIB Head Office,” he explained earlier today, “and inevitably large and un-returnable sums of money occasionally fall through it from the past and into the present pockets of bankers. It’s a quantumy, string-theory kinda thing”.
Leading cosmologists have rushed to back the AIB Exec. Chairman. Professor Hans Industrygoonstein, an economist and cosmologist at AIB, has confirmed that there is absolutely nothing that can be done under these circumstances. He admitted that in theory “if you apply a massive amount of anti-force to a theoretical point which is simultaneously everywhere and nothing, you could possibly reverse this”. However he claimed that “the energies unleashed would utterly destroy not just Ireland but the entire known universe”. Professor Industrygoonstein confirmed that this is partly to do with quarks, but mostly because the space-time-bonus anomaly is id “Systemic Importance” to the Irish economy.
Already many have suggested that since the laws of physics will not allow these bonuses to be prevented, it might be nice if the recipients gave some or all of the money to charity. However a spokesbanker explained the obstacles to this happening in a statement received by The Emergency just minutes ago which read: