Ahern Upgrades Advice To Critics From Suicide To Gardening

An identikit photo of the man Gardai suspect of working “night and day” to bring down former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern

Gardai have released an identikit photo of the chief suspect in the alleged conspiracy to besmirch and discredit former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern. In an interview, which is to be broadcast on TV3 this week and which was reported in yesterday’s Dalkey Times, Mr Ahern says an unnamed political colleague had worked “night and day” to bring him down.

“Dere was one person working night and day to screw me up and I tink I know why and I tink I know how. Maybe, along de way, dey got tings wrong, and maybe dey had to be punished a bit for dat, and maybe dey set about den trying to screw up…me”.

“I know who de person is. But libel laws are dangerous and if you can’t prove it, you can’t say it. But you can still know it” the former taoiseach said.

In a different interview, Bertie Ahern upgraded his aspirations for critics of Government policy from suicide to gardening, saying that those who blame the Government for the economic crisis should “…dig the garden or grow bluebells or do something useful”.

In the interview, Mr Ahern attacked “..psychics and knockers, people who always see the class as, as, as, as half empty. I can’t understand people who are always bitching, saying ‘It’s de, de, de, de Government’s fault, it’s de, de, de doctor’s fault, it’s de cat’s fault.’ It’s everybody’s fault except eh eh eh deir own.”

When asked to apologise for the prominent role he played in laying the groundwork for Ireland’s catastrophic economic collapse, Mr Ahern was quick to correct this common misapprehension; “Eh no, no, no, no yes, no, no….dat was de eh, de, de ,de ,de ehhh, de cat’s fault….he eh, he, eh, he, he, he, he should never have been left in charge of de eh world economy..dats clear enough now in de, eh, eh, eh longshot, but ehm we are where we are unfortunately” .

Interviewed in the latest edition of celebrity packed CRAP magazine, the former head of the Fianna Fail crime family is scathing of critics of the Government: “I don’t know why dey wouldn’t go out and ignore de Government or hibernate widout pay for a fortnight to alleviate de pressure on de, de, de eh, economy or do something useful! I like doers – people who paint their house, bake, work, whatever it takes to ehhhh…distract dem” he said.

He said that since he resigned as Don last year, “life is not as controlled as it was. I’m busy doing different tings, different people, some quite important, but it’s just not de same. If I want to go to a match, I go to a match; if I want to see some friends tomorrow night for a dig out, I can do that, so it’s a big chunk of change.”

Asked whether he was happier now, he said: “Yes, definitely, but dere are times I miss it. I was heartbroken dat dere was no way of letting me fly at taxpayers expense to Washington for Teddy Kennedy’s funeral but” here, Mr Ahern paused only to stick a fork in his upper thigh and draw a tear before continuing “…dese are de tragic breaks….I done nutting wrong….to nobody…ever”

Commenting on the economic difficulties facing his successor, he said: “Brian has had it rough because of de, ehhhh, de, de, de, ehm, cat. The big trick for him is how we can get out of it quickly.”

STOP PRESS….STOP PRESS…..STOP PRESS…. Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has been diagnosed with suspected Gollum Syndrome. Doctors at an exclusive Swiss clinic have confirmed that Mr Ahern will have to be kept away from……..(MORE INFORMATION)

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