Ahern Kicks Off News Of The World Column

Bertie and Maurice Ahern attempting to present Eric Cantona with a specially made Dublin GAA jersey for the second time in one year

Proving that there may yet be hope of rehabilitation for countless career criminals, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, the “Man Who Broke The Bank At Montenotte”, has embarked on a new course – as a sports columnist.

It is a testament to his ‘have-a-go-at-robbin-annywun’ mentality that he takes on his new position as celebrity football columnist with the highly disregarded New of The World newspaper in spite of his inability to remember facts, or report anything concisely or with any degree of accuracy.

Mr Ahern caused a stir recently when he attended a film premiere to hijack former Manchester United great Eric Cantona, the star of Looking For Eric, in an attempt to garner positive publicity for his older brother Maurice (the one who was raised in the attic) Ahern. On that occasion the movie’s director Ken Loach referred to Bertie as “…a rather dodgy right wing politician”

The Aherns were at it again when they tracked down Cantona yesterday in an attempt to garner positive publicity for Bertie (the one who robbed you blind) Ahern’s new NOTW column. It is not yet known whether Ken Loach will describe the former Taoiseach as a rather dodgy right wing soccer pundit.

What is certain is Eric Cantona’s view “Ooo ze fuq are zees slimy fuque-weets?” he asked his handlers after being buttonholed by the Aherns for the second time. Bertie later told reporters that it was “Eric up to his usual bit of gas” and “He’s always doing dat – pretendin not to know me, but I was in school wid him, he is a very close personal friend”

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