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Dark Horse Emerges As Favourite To Succeed Kenny

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

Housing Minister Paudie Coffey has insisted that a Dark Horse is likely to emerge to challenge for the leadership of Fine Gael when Enda Kenny, current leader and Acting Taoiseach, moves on.

“Of course it will be five to 75 years before Mr. Kenny resigns”, admitted Mr. Coffey, “but when he did I can see a Dark Horse or similar animal being in the running, if you’ll excuse the guff”.

Mr. Coffey played down suggestions that he himself was touting for Mr. Kenny’s position, although he did say he would reconsider his position if circumstances arose in which he thought for a second he had half a chance of getting away with.

Mr. Horse

Mr. Horse (7)

Dark Horse was not available for comment, but his agent said he is monitoring the situation in a number of key leadership jobs including the managership at Manchester Utd., the next short run evil character in Fair City and night manager at the Spar.

Pep Guardiola and Bressie remain joint 4/5 favourites for the 2.15 at Kempton.

RTE Apologises For Offending Itself: Pays Itself Compensation: Schedules Debate About Itself On Dodgy Chat Show

Friday, January 31st, 2014

RTE has confirmed that it has received lawyers’ letters from itself, warning itself about comments made on dodgy Saturday night flagship show “The Saturday Night Langer” which potentially defamed itself by saying things.

“We have no idea how anyone was allowed to say things on ‘The Saturday Night Langer'” said an RTE lawyer in words barely discernible from within a pile of used fivers in his outbox. “Saying things is outside the remit of that show and of this broadcaster and we have mortally offended ourselves by this oversight”.

The presenter of The Saturday Night Langer with balanced panel members pictured outside RTE's state of the art bothy before recording of a debate about RTE on RTE.

The presenter of The Saturday Night Langer with balanced panel members pictured outside RTE’s state of the art bothy before recording of a debate about RTE on RTE.

RTE has refused to confirm or deny reports that compensation was paid to itself, but in response to criticism of the removal of one episode of “The Saturday Night Langer”, it has scheduled a special episode of the much loved comafacient in which RTE will be discussed by an invited panel of people from RTE and, to balance that, people to whom RTE has paid compensation.

There has been huge public outcry at the removal of a small section from “The Saturday Night Langer” from the RTE Player, with many pointing out that there are multiple episodes on the player which still need to be removed.

Fine Gael Welcomes Back Councillor After “Misunderstanding”

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

Kildare County Councillor Darren Scully has been admitted back into Fine Gael 20 months after his expulsion for refusing to represent the interests of African members of his community.

Councillor Scully

Councillor Scully

“It was all a big misunderstanding”, explained Scully at a Masai Crafts Fair in Kildare this morning. “I have had a long conversation with Enda Kenny and we are both satisfied that we do not represent the interests of most people in the community, so there’s no need to be getting all het up about it”.

MORE CAREFUL ABOUT SHITE NOW

During the period of his exclusion from Fine Gael, Cllr. Scully is said to have met with several representatives of the African community and, having studied their cultural perspective and his own career prospects in tandem, now concedes that he cannot “get away” with his original “shite”.

“Make no mistake”, he vowed, “I will be sanitising my shite henceforth”.

Kenny: Patients Must Learn To Be Sick Within Budget

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

Acting Taoiseach and de facto leader of Fine Gael and “Ireland”, Enda Kenny, has strongly defended health cuts in the recent budget.

SICK SHOULDERS

“Now is a time for all of us, sick and well, to put our shoulders to the wheel, unless affected by a shoulder-related ailment, in which case an elbow or arse would be acceptable. I can never remember which of those is which,” the Acting Taoiseach admitted at a press breakfast of larks’ tongues and Reddy Brek earlier today.

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

Enda Kenny Backing James Reilly

LOVEABLE

Fine Gael and its loveable coalition fall-guy, Labour, are soon to unveil a Universal Health Insurance scheme which would see up to 100% of
their friends and family securely located between “grand” and “mighty” on the new HSE “How’re Ye Doin’?” scale of wellfullness.

The Fianna Fail leader, Micheal Martin, who is uniquely qualified to heckle as he is himself a former Health Supremo, had accused the government of failing to place patients at the centre of its health policies. But Mr. Kenny strongly rebutted this claim in an impassioned speech read adroitley from notes on the inside of his underpants.

TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR ILLNESS

“This is the most patient-centred health policy ever,” he explained to bemused onlookers. “In fact all power, by which I mean responsibility , will henceforth rest with the patient, who will simply have to tailor their affliction to the needs of my government. For too long we have spoon-fed the ill with medication and care, when all they really need is to take ownership of their illness and, following consultation with the relevant stakeholders, get well, or get lost”.

DIE

The Taoiseach explained that the government has no intention of cutting services, merely of cutting the cost of those services by not having them. In that case the onus would again fall onto the patient to spread out their illness over a 25 year period, or, where appropriate, die.

Hospital chiefs have universally declared it will be impossible to run their hospitals with the cuts being made. However, Mr. Kenny explained that this problem could be circumvented simply by hospital chiefs saying something different.

KEANE

Roy Keane is on standby.

Ireland’s King Kenny The Turd Found Buried Under Frankfurt Carpark

Monday, February 4th, 2013
King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

King Kenny The Turd Of Hibernia

Tests on the mangled remains of what was once a man have proven “beyond reasonable doubt” that they are those of the much-maligned Irish king. The remains were unearthed during the excavation of a new bottomless pit to house the taxes of Irish citizens behind the bins in the car park of the European Central Bank.

FORELOCK

The body is in exactly the place where King Kenny’s heart was last reported as beating. There is a wound to the skull consistent with what might be expected from frequent accidental contact with German tarmac due to excessively enthusiastic bowing and scraping. A forelock believed to belong to the remains was found some distance off, having been tugged clean off in what would appear to be a type of ancient Germano-Celtic “negotiation process”.

SPINE BOFFINS

There is some controversy over the discovery that the skeleton in question has an unusually curved spine. Scientists claim this adds to the evidence that it is indeed King Kenny of Ireland, as eyewitness reports from the time suggest him to have been capable of inhuman contortion in an attempt to bridge the gap between his stated intent and his demonstrable subservience. However, other boffins insist that there is little or no evidence to suggest that King Kenny had any backbone whatsoever.

Scandal As Socialist DNA Uncovered In Labour TDs

Sunday, February 3rd, 2013
Austerity hot Tub

Burton (Left) Pictured With Underclass Maintenance Advisers During Press Conference In Government Austerity Hot Tub

Minister For Maintaining The Levels of Damage To The Underclass Joan Burton has angrily denied reports that minute traces of Socialist DNA were identified in routine testing of swabs taken from the seats of Labour front bench TDs.

SPARKLING

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Labour TDs were contaminated by Socialist DNA mixed up in a consignment of sparkling wine to Labour Head Office from Poland.

SMOKED

“Obviously it is a serious matter if TDs labelled “Labour” are found to include Socialist ideals,” Ms. Burton conceded at a hastily arranged conference in a government Austerity Hot-Tub this morning. “The people of Ireland have a right to expect the politics they consume to be as devoid of principle and ideals as possible. The reputation of the Irish Politics Processing industry for producing reliably homogenous and malleable TDs is at stake. Pass the smoked salmon, Alex”, she insisted furiously.

ATE

In a separate development over at Labour’s coalition partners’ HQ, Health Minister James Reilly has denied co-ownership of a company which has been accused of attempting to set up a care facility for the elderly in a hollowed-out horse in Swords. Further results from tests being carried out by a horse co-owned by Dr. James Reilly are expected soon after the minister accidentally ate the initial test results at a breakfast meeting.

The Austeribility Treaty: A Euroserf’s Guide

Wednesday, May 30th, 2012

Pointless Infographic By An Independent Dog

Tomorrow you will be asked to vote on the Fiscal Stability Treaty Referendum. This contains many important changes to Irish law. This contains no changes to what we’ve already agreed to.

Under the new Treatment governments will have to keep their deficit within 0.5% of PANP (Pixie-Adjusted National Product). This is a new measure which takes its starting point as GDP (German Demands for Pawns) but allows for adjustment by a team of specialist pixies in Brussels.The Pixies will take into account such factors as: Whatever.

In the event of Ireland requiring a further bailout from a special fund which doesn’t exist but which is expected to be enough to bail out Spain and a small town in Italy, God willing, we will only have access to such funs if we ratify this treaty. As the funds aren’t enough it doesn’t really matter but we must send out a strong message to pixies everywhere that we dig their crazy dust. It is only by constant influx of Pixie Dust that the Irish economy can achieve the growth necessary to create a job.

If Ireland does not ratify the treaty it will be put into effect anyway, so you can see how important it is for us to do so.

You will be asked to vote “Yes” or “No” to the following:

The State may ratify the Treaty on Austeribility, Co-ordination and Governance in the Economic and Monetary Union done at Brussels on the 2nd day of March 2012. No provision of this Constitution invalidates stuff necessitated by the obligations of the State under that Treaty or prevents stuff done by bodies competent under that Treaty from having the force of law in the State. That’d be mad.

Good luck with that now.

Shatter Blames “Protest Tourism” For Shell Policing Costs, Economic Downturn & Acne

Thursday, February 9th, 2012

Minister For Justice and leading Victorian gent, Alan Shatter has revealed the high cost of providing Garda protection of the Shell’s Philanthropic Corrib Installation.The minister blamed “Protest Tourism” for the extra €14,500,000 spent on security there in the last six years.

Alan Shatter

Minister For Justice And Leading Victorian Gent, Alan Shatter

“These beatnik rascals are bringing down the country”, said Mr. Shatter (148) of the “Protest Tourists” whom he claimed had cost thecountry dear in terms of inward investment. “How can we expect the international business community to set up shop here in Ireland when this reefer madness is de rigeur”, he asked, “and when occurences of flu and acne are all greater in the Corrib region because of the nomadic machinations of this disaffected bunch of long-haired brigands in their ‘jeans’ and ‘trilby hats’?”.

LEO

Reefer Madness: Minister Varadkar In Favour Of Policing Services For Beatnik Protestors

However a rift in the coalition cabinet appeared to be developing when the Minister For Trains, Trolleys & Tourism, Leo Varadkar, came out in favour of Protest Tourism. “I think Alan was being hasty”, Mr. Varadkar confided to passers-by on the M50 this morning. “The more tourists we have the better. Protest Tourists, Pink Tourists, Bald Tourists… whatevs, dude?”.

Burton Denies Shambles Is A Shambles

Thursday, February 9th, 2012

The Minister For Total Deflection, Joan Burton, has hit out at opposition claims that the forthcoming simultaneous retirement of a trillion public servants represents a “shambles”. Answering questions from radical reforming rump agglomeration, Fianna Fáil, Ms. Burton said the coalition government had been discussing the forthcoming retirements on a daily basis and following it on Twitter and everything, and was well prepared for the impact on frontline services.

Ms. Burton outlined a number of precautions and arrangements which were, she said, being undertaken to minimise disruption to services in key areas. These include:

  • Drafting in four thousand unpaid interns in the even of “a really big fire”
  • Moving non-retiring Gardaí to crime-facing positions who are currently in less vital arse-scratching positions
  • Stepping up government plans to replace reliance on psychiatric nursing with reliance on “the kindness of strangers”
  • Going on holiday
  • Hiding
Bedlam

Artist's Impression Of New-Look "Kindness Of Strangers" Psychiatric Service

The Fianna Fáil leader, Micheál Martin criticised the coalition for ruining the good work of the previous government, which he said had left them a legacy of illusion that the coalition was now shattering without any regard to “the children, the poor wee children”.

Martin Upbeat On Fianna Fáil ‘Disarray’

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

The leader of Fianna Fáil has reacted positively to reports that his party is “in disarray” following the announcement that Brian Crowley will not seek a Presidential nomination.

Crowley, who is Emperor Of Munster, vowed yesterday to pull out of the race for the Áras. He is the ninetieth candidate not in the race to pull out this week. Mr. Crowley was clearly upset that leader Micheál Martin had gone on a ‘solo run’ in asking popular broadcaster, biker and safety supremo Gay Byrne to run instead of someone from Fianna Fáil.

However Mr. Martin fought back today, claiming that for Fianna Fáil to be in disarray was a major achievement. “At this stage in the rebuilding of the party, many thought we would be in “turmoil”, ‘meltdown’ or ‘prison'”, enthused Corkonian Martin at a fundraising pickpocket campaign in the English Market this morning. “By merely being in disarray my leadership and the party are confounding the detractors. By November, I confidently predict that we will be ‘at sixes and sevens’, and if things go well we should be ‘all over the shop’ by June”.

Image of Eamon O Cuiv generated by self-imaging computer programme

Image of Eamon O Cuiv generated by self-imaging computer programme

Meanwhile Eamon “MiniDev” Ó Cuiv has refused to rule out seeking a Fianna Fáil nomination for the Presidency. Supporters say he is interested in running and has kept his granddaddy’s presidential pants in running order “just in case”.