The leader of Fianna Fáil has reacted positively to reports that his party is “in disarray” following the announcement that Brian Crowley will not seek a Presidential nomination.

Crowley, who is Emperor Of Munster, vowed yesterday to pull out of the race for the Áras. He is the ninetieth candidate not in the race to pull out this week. Mr. Crowley was clearly upset that leader Micheál Martin had gone on a ‘solo run’ in asking popular broadcaster, biker and safety supremo Gay Byrne to run instead of someone from Fianna Fáil.

However Mr. Martin fought back today, claiming that for Fianna Fáil to be in disarray was a major achievement. “At this stage in the rebuilding of the party, many thought we would be in “turmoil”, ‘meltdown’ or ‘prison’”, enthused Corkonian Martin at a fundraising pickpocket campaign in the English Market this morning. “By merely being in disarray my leadership and the party are confounding the detractors. By November, I confidently predict that we will be ‘at sixes and sevens’, and if things go well we should be ‘all over the shop’ by June”.

Meanwhile Eamon “MiniDev” Ó Cuiv has refused to rule out seeking a Fianna Fáil nomination for the Presidency. Supporters say he is interested in running and has kept his granddaddy’s presidential pants in running order “just in case”.

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has landed in Madrid to a storm of protest against his visit – alas tempers were not helped by a diplomatic gaffe caused by Vatican dressers not reading the memo sent from Spain’s Queen Sofia detailing her outfit so as to avoid any clash with the frock worn by the Vicar of Christ.

Pope Benedict has blamed a lack of morals, the breakdown of the traditional family and homosexuality for the error.

LITTLE KNOWN ‘POPE FACT’ – Pope Benedict XVI got his name because he was the sixteenth pontiff to be chosen at conclave by seating him on a muffin topped with a slice of bacon and covering him in Hollandaise sauce!SOURCE: Catholic News Agency

It has been confirmed in the last hour that Gay Byrne will not be contesting the presidential election later this year.

He has decided to spend more time with his programmes. Family.

Prehistoric human remains, believed to be those of a woman, have been found in Co Laois.

The significant find has been described as “significant” by Dr Rex Bonehandler, Curator of the Understatement division at the National Museum of Ireland.

The 2,000 yr old “bog body” was immediately approached by several anti Gay Mitchell Fine Gael activists to stand in the presidential election later this year.

Speaking at the site, Teddy FitzHerbert (67), current chair of Young Fine Gael, said “At present we can see a pair of legs, which are quite well preserved, probably the best preserved part of the body,” he said. “On preliminary examination we can be reasonably certain that it is a female candidate.”

He said at this stage he did not know the precise age or gender of the individual, and the body appears to be missing the torso and head, “But sure that never stopped Michael Noonan from winning an election”.

“We’re delighted to have a woman, or incredibly feminine man, of such experience, charm, calibre and dare I say it, acquiescence on the Fine Gael ticket for the Aras” he concluded

Gay Byrne’s possible bid to become President of Ireland is in turmoil as his RTE colleague Pat Kenny accused him of “dragging Ireland into the 20th century”. It is believed that Kenny was hinting at a plot involving Byrne and others to drag Ireland back to the 20th Century and keep it there. Some analysts believe that this may only be a staging post for an ultimate effort to place Ireland once again in the 19th Century.

I’LL WRING POLL DARLING GAYBO: KENNY

A recent newspaper poll showed that 97% of people asked said they would prefer Gay Byrne to be President rather than prolonging an unwanted phone-call from a pollster asking random questions about stuff. But Mr. Kenny also vowed to mangle Mr. Byrne on his popular children’s entertainment programme “The Frontline” should his old buddy be in the race for the Áras. Speaking to The Irish Independent, Kenny said he would show no mercy to the septugenarian broadacster and did not explicitly rule out water-boarding or the kidnapping of influential personalities. “He’ll be good at avoiding questions, but I’ve been waiting for this for a long, long, long, long time”, Kenny quipped.

I’LL KEEP BANGING ON: BYRNE

Meanwhile, Mr. Byrne, who invented sex in Ireland in the 1960s but has recently curtailed it by persistently interviewing Daniel O’Donnell, is said to be consulting close friends. He will then make a decision on whether or not to run. However, Byrne has stressed that he will not be leaving any of his broadcasting jobs as long as he still drew breath. “I think my record in that regard speaks for itself”, he understated.

CLAMOUR

Mr. Byrne has already said he would run for the Áras if there were a public clamour for him to do so. The Emergency believes a number of private clamours are holding talks on whether or not to go public. Meanwhile Gardaí were last night called to a suspected clamour last night in Howth, near Mr. Byrne’s North Dublin residence. However a spokesgarda, Sgt. Labhras O’Toole, has now confirmed that the possible clamour was “at most a ruckus and most likely a cat”.