James Joyce’s wartime family passport, recording the writer’s movements across Europe as he wrote his famous ‘durty buke’ Ulysses , has sold for €69,747 at auction in London today.

Disgraced former Taoiseach the late unlamented master embezzler Charles J. Haughey pictured outside "Charlie's Discount Passports & Citizenship Emporium", his once thriving business in Kinsealy north county Dublin

The auction result is something of a record, but still comes nowhere near the astronomical sums reached by Charles J.Haughey when as Taoiseach in the 1980′s he successfully peddled several Irish passports to a number of shady yet wealthy individuals from the middle east – including one to Sheikh Khalid bin Mahfouz…a brother in law of Osama Bin Laden.

A staff reporter from The Emergency attempted to contact Mr Haughey in Hell for a comment on the Joyce sale but was told that the former Fianna Fail leader was “too busy ‘fixing’ things down here” to speak.

So slithery, Micheal Martin is jealous.

The Emergency On Sunday is to close. This Sunday’s edition of the paper, which has been on newsstands for a thousand and three years, will be the last one. There will be no advertising in the final edition. The extra space will be occupied by extra breasts and a list of Premiership footballers who have not used prostitutes. Mostly extra breasts.

Owner of Emergency International, Dev O’Murdoch, is currently attempting to buy the rights to human vision worldwide. It’s thought that recent allegations that Emergency On Sunday hacks “earwigged” on conversations in the jacks in Toner’s pun and had become involved in “copying their homework” posed a threat to O’Murdoch’s proposed takeover of all known eyes. The crisis escalated recenty when it emerged that on at least a million occasions editorially sanctioned making-shit-up had occurred.

Former Emergency On Sunday editor Rebeckah Ní Brooks had tears in her eyes as she broke the news of the paper’s demise to staff. An earpiece through which the conversations of four hundred celebrities were being relayed to her was later removed and thereafter she was reportedly “grand” and “wealthy”.

A new publication “The Emergency On The Day After Saturday” will launch next week, price 2/6.

Senior judges have warned the Government that cutting their pay would damage the reputation of the judiciary in Ireland worldwide and also make it harder to be rich.

Justice William “Wonga” O’Toole criticised the refusal of Minister For Justice, Alan “Shakespeare” Shatter to allow an independent review of judicial salaries. “To cut our pay as if we were public servants sends out the wrong signals to society, to the world and to my golf club,” he foamed gently to The Emergency earlier today. “Article 35.5 of the constitution prohibits a reduction in our pay for a good reason. That reason is that lowering our pay will seriously damage the amount of money we get. This would make us a laughing stock among the criminal classes, who are not subject themselves to any such downward review by Mr. Shatter and his cadré of uncouth corner boys at the Department of Justice”.

In a memorandum tattooed in gold on the skin of a unicorn and sent to the Government, the judges point out that, while they understand the grave situation the economy of the country is in, the Government must think again if it thinks it can stick it to the judges. “Let’s just say a minor parking offence in Merrion Square can be ramped up into a drug trafficking and fraud charge in the right pair of skilled, irritated judicial hands”, it says and goes on to conclude: “We know where you live and where your shit is at, you dig?”

The memorandum makes no direct reference to cutting the pay of kitchen porters at the weekend, but Justice O’Toole has confirmed they couldn’t give a flying feck about it as the plight of low paid workers is not a constitutional issue and hardly ever comes up at Masonic port, brie and tickling events.

The Minister for Transport, Leo Varadkar has hinted that rather than the Luas DXD Link or Metro North projects, a third transport initiative “Leorail” may get the nod in Spetember.

The proposed Leorail line would run from everywhere to the newly designated Varadkarville Development Region in Dublin South. It would be the first ever supersonic monorail outside Dinsneyland and the first in the world to harness the power of the Fine Gael minister’s ego.

All Aboard The LeoRail To Varadkerville: Choo!! Choo!!

Scientists working in the Varadkar Institute Of Stuff recently identified highly charged particles of pure ego, which are released when Leo Varadkar and an opportunity to say something collide at speeds close to that of light. Experiments took place in an underground Varadkon Collider, deep beneath the surface of Tallaght (soon to be re-named Varadkarville West).

The monorail will cost more than Metro North and Luas DXD combined, but Mr. Varadkar has hinted that it could potentially generate up to 4 billion cubic kilometres of precious gaseous hubris for the region. The trains will be unmanned and driven purely by untrammelled ambition or an iPhone app, depending on the results of tests currently being carried out by boffins on specially adapted Hornby set. Journey time to Varadkarville from anywhere in the country will be an average of instantaneous.