That nasty moment when Harold remembers….

Yanks send your bombers; Brits send your hens. Big corporation? Cruising for a bit of “double Irish”? European? Into treaty-play? We mean no until you make us mean yes. Bankers? Bailouts? We’re in! Fancy a troika? We’ll do everything except Greek…

Transcript of of full statement by An Taoiseach Enda Kenny denying charges of plagiarism following yesterday’s address marking the visit of US President Barack Obama at College Green:

“Vice President Johnson, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, President Eisenhower, Vice President Nixon, President Truman, reverend clergy, fellow citizens, we observe today not a victory of party, but a celebration of freedom – symbolizing an end, as well as a beginning – signifying renewal, as well as change. For I have sworn before you and Almighty God the same solemn oath our forebears prescribed nearly a century and three quarters ago.

The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty and all forms of human life. And yet the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe – the belief that the rights of man come not from the generosity of the state, but from the hand of God.

We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans – born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage – and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world.

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.

This much we pledge – and more.

To those old allies whose cultural and spiritual origins we share, we pledge the loyalty of faithful friends. United, there is little we cannot do in a host of cooperative ventures. Divided, there is little we can do – for we dare not meet a powerful challenge at odds and split asunder.

To those new States whom we welcome to the ranks of the free, we pledge our word that one form of colonial control shall not have passed away merely to be replaced by a far more iron tyranny. We shall not always expect to find them supporting our view. But we shall always hope to find them strongly supporting their own freedom – and to remember that, in the past, those who foolishly sought power by riding the back of the tiger ended up inside.

To those peoples in the huts and villages across the globe struggling to break the bonds of mass misery, we pledge our best efforts to help them help themselves, for whatever period is required – not because the Communists may be doing it, not because we seek their votes, but because it is right. If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.

To our sister republics south of our border, we offer a special pledge – to convert our good words into good deeds – in a new alliance for progress – to assist free men and free governments in casting off the chains of poverty. But this peaceful revolution of hope cannot become the prey of hostile powers. Let all our neighbours know that we shall join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas. And let every other power know that this Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house.

To that world assembly of sovereign states, the United Nations, our last best hope in an age where the instruments of war have far outpaced the instruments of peace, we renew our pledge of support – to prevent it from becoming merely a forum for invective – to strengthen its shield of the new and the weak – and to enlarge the area in which its writ may run.

Finally, to those nations who would make themselves our adversary, we offer not a pledge but a request: that both sides begin anew the quest for peace, before the dark powers of destruction unleashed by science engulf all humanity in planned or accidental self-destruction.

We dare not tempt them with weakness. For only when our arms are sufficient beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be employed.

But neither can two great and powerful groups of nations take comfort from our present course – both sides overburdened by the cost of modern weapons, both rightly alarmed by the steady spread of the deadly atom, yet both racing to alter that uncertain balance of terror that stays the hand of mankind’s final war.

So let us begin anew – remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.

Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belabouring those problems which divide us.

Let both sides, for the first time, formulate serious and precise proposals for the inspection and control of arms – and bring the absolute power to destroy other nations under the absolute control of all nations.

Let both sides seek to invoke the wonders of science instead of its terrors. Together let us explore the stars, conquer the deserts, eradicate disease, tap the ocean depths, and encourage the arts and commerce.

Let both sides unite to heed in all corners of the earth the command of Isaiah – to “undo the heavy burdens -. and to let the oppressed go free.”

And if a beachhead of cooperation may push back the jungle of suspicion, let both sides join in creating a new endeavour, not a new balance of power, but a new world of law, where the strong are just and the weak secure and the peace preserved.

All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin.

In your hands, my fellow citizens, more than in mine, will rest the final success or failure of our course. Since this country was founded, each generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service surround the globe.

Now the trumpet summons us again – not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are – but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, “rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation” – a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself.

Can we forge against these enemies a grand and global alliance, North and South, East and West, that can assure a more fruitful life for all mankind? Will you join in that historic effort?

In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shank from this responsibility – I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavour will light our country and all who serve it — and the glow from that fire can truly light the world.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.

Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God’s work must truly be our own.”

Icelandic Ashcloud Grimsvotn II

The coming state visit of the Icelandic Ashcloud Grimsvotn II from in or around Wednesday of this week will include a whistlestop tour of all of the country’s airports, a wreath laying ceremony at the John Player factory on the South Circular Road, and a daily concert featuring the many talent of Westlife, Mary Byrne, Jedward, and Westlife – Master of Ceremonies for the entire visit will be RTE’s Ryan Tubridy.

Asked to define the duration of the visit, Tainaiste and Minister for Frankfurt’s Way Eamon Gilmore indicated an advance party will arrive tomorrow, with Grimsvotn II remaining here till “fecking indefinitely“.

Taoiseach Edna Kenny shouted a statement at a group of reporters that he mistook for his audience earlier this evening, yelling: “This will be marvelous for tourism….ehhhh…Is féidir linn! Hang the expense! A state visit by a world famous volcanic superstar will do wonders for Ireland’s image abroad. Yes sirree is féidir linn alright! Up Mayo! Ireland is open for business!”

Mr Kenny then adopted a poor American accent for a moment to lay out official plans for disrupting the travel plans of the greatest amount of Dublin commuters possible, “…in order to show the Ashcloud Grimsvotn II that the past is behind us, just like our economy and sovereignty. Can we stop people who live in the capital of the country from crossing the river or going about their business? Is féidir linn! Up Mayo!! Can we treat citizens like a cross between a cash source and an inconvenience? Is féidir linn!!!”

INSIDE!….In Our 12 Page Ashcloud Visit Special Pull Out And Keep Supplement Will the Ashcloud sample the Guinness? (pages 18 – 20), We visit the peat bog in Tullamore with a line of sediment from Grimsvotn’s birth in 720A.D. (pictures pages 20, interview pages 23 – 25), Kevin Arse, John Arse and Fiona Arse on the symbolic historic significant importance of the Grimsvotn visit (pages 26 -30), “My times with Grimsvotn” ~ Bono (page 27), List of street closures (pages 3 – 107)

Advance CIA security forces have moved to seal John and Edward Grimes following threats made by the twins that they intend to “perform” for President Obama when he visits Ireland early next week.

The move follows official embarrassment at having let Mary Byrne scream some Shirley Bassey numbers at Her Majesty the Queen of England last thursday, ahead of forcing the unfortunate monarch to witness Westlife pouting and shuffling along to a backing track.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II pictured with Mary Byrne shortly after being accidentally seated directly in front of the Xfactor finalist as she shouted along vaguely in tune beside an orchestra

There were several red faces, and one very important stretched one, at the National Convention Centre last night when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was accidentally seated directly in front of Xfactor finalist Mary Byrne when she performed.

Byrne, who’s act largely consists of standing near an orchestra and shouting along vaguely in tune, apologized to the Monarch after the show.

“She’s a great lady” Byrne later told reporters covering the symbolic historicalness of the event. “I said ‘sorry your Royal Highness for stretching your head like that but yis should have been warned like’, and she thanked me for rendering her incapable of hearing Westlife perform”.

Taoiseach Edna Kenny rushed to play down the incident saying “Not one event on this week’s symbolically historic and significantly significant state visit by Her Majesty can detract in any way from the significantly significant symbolic historicality of the visit” adding “Anyway, we’re all friends now. Don’t mention the war. I may have mentioned it once or twice but I think I got away with it”.

The Duke of Edinburgh Philip Bigotopolus also played down the event, telling reporters “It’s happened before, though not this bad. Stood too close to a Harrier Jump Jet we’d offloaded on the wallahs in Papua New Guinea a few years back. The old gel will be tickety-boo after the footman irons her”.

Frumpy Ardoyne housewife Mary McAleese has been “hoovering all week”; Edna Kenny, Ireland’s first female Taoiseach has been “practicing pulling my foirelock until my scalp bleeds” and Ireland as a whole has been put on a shutdown unseen in the history of the State.

Observing the level of disruption heaped upon the cowed populace of our ersatz republic, one British security operative has offered the opinion that the 1916 Rising could have been put down by the announcement of a pending visit by an octogenarian Londoner and her dodgy Greek beau.

Meanwhile the country braces itself for further enforced optimism at the hands of the Continuity Coalition as they gear up to sell as “a tourist bonanza” another week of road closures for Obama’s whistlestop “elect me please I’m Irish” visit to impress the folks back home.

In other Royal jaunt news, former Taoiseach John Bruton – who famously described the State visit of Prince Charles in 1995 as “the happiest day of my life” – has been admitted to hospital. Doctors say that despite battling for hours, they are unable to stifle his priapic erection.

Iconic Irish bakery Pat The Baker which notched up a milestone this week with the launch of their commemorative Barack Obama Brack is truly “on a roll” with the introduction of their new limited edition range of Osama’s Hot Cross Bun Ladens.

The tasty halal treats can be found hiding at the back of very tall shelves in exclusive upmarket shops, not in the bargain bin where you would expect them to be.

Daily information and traffic updates will be provided from Monday, 25 July 2011. The following general information is available ahead of the visit.

General advice:

 All business and commercial activity will continue as normal in Dublin city as long as those businesses have already been forced to close due to recession. Those businesses expecting to be able to continue as normal should view the disruption and absence of punters as a grim warning of what may yet come.

 There will be diversions and rolling road closures which will notionally be flagged in advance but are far more likely to become apparent due to the sudden appearance of traffic cones and obese desk sergeants with their faces and necks covered in factor 40 to protect them against the effect of their sudden and unexpected exposure to the world beyond their stations.

 Gardaí will maintain a high visible presence both outside the city environs and in the city centre to facilitate their drawing a paycheck/pension.

 There will be parking restrictions in the city centre from 06:00 a.m. on Saturday 14 May 2011 (so be sure to leave your vehicles late on the 13th maximising clamping and tow away fees).

 People should use public transport where possible. There may be brief disruptions to public transport as bus drivers struggle to accomodate their nemesis “the commuter”.

 Existing Park and Ride facilities continue to be available for harried commuters to drive fruitlessly around for an hour before deciding to abandon their vehicle on an adjacent residential street.

 People are advised to plan their journeys in advance including routes and parking options at their final destination. They should also confirm appointments prior to travelling and ask themselves the question “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the IRA?”.

 The public is advised to leave extra time for their journeys and to expect some congestion and delays as Gardai may take some time walking from their squad cars parked at the side of the road to the check point set up in the middle of the road.

 For security reasons, there will be periodic searches of pedestrians and vehicles by members of An Garda Síochána at key locations – any sandwiches, confectionery or sweets may be deemed “subversive” and are liable to be eaten by a crack team of Garda desk sergeants.

 Gardaí are liaising with business and local residents in the key locations and will continue to communicate directly with them in a domineering and mildy suspicious manner. The following roads are among the routes that will be subject to temporary
closures at various times between 17 May and 20 May 2011 (full details to
be notified to the public when finalised and closer to the time):

 Bleedin, everywhere

 Most other places

 Even “the bog”.