Senator Shane Ross: Would Lobe To Rule

In a surprise move Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin, who was powerless to stop the disasterous management of the country’s affairs while in cabinet due to “jackeen interference”, has vowed that his party would support a minority Shane Ross government under certain circumstances.

Head

“If Senator Ross is the largest head in the Dáil, but still does not have enough of a seat to form a majority, Fianna Fáil would be prepared to support him as a government provided he sticks to the Four Year Plan,” explained Martin suavely.

Lobes

Senator Ross has however rejected these overtures. “My head is easily big enough to rule this barony with the merest throb of my exposed frontal lobes,” he quipped while handing out promotional snipes and canapes to bemused commuters on the Luas in Dublin South.

Micheál Martin, the last person ever to lead Fianna Fail, has this morning named his new front bench.

He is Willie O’Dea a TD of no fixed story representing Limerick.

The Hanafin Mark 2 Ministerfab being transported to a press conference

There are unconfirmed reports today that Dominican College Sion Hill in Blackrock County Dublin is at serious risk of having to take back their Hanafin Mark 2 Ministerfab if she fails to gain reelection to her Dail seat.

Sources at the school fear that the Ministerfab will be returned to them by the voters of Dun Laoighaire/Rathdown in the forthcoming general election.

A distraught pupil

Some of these Ministerfabs have been in use for over a decade costing the State, and in particular the educational system millions of euros in wasted resources.

The Hanafin Mark 2 Ministerfab for instance earns a ministerial salary of €191,417 and benefits from a pension fund estimated to be worth €415,800 in today’s private market, based on calculations provided by an independent actuary and a fella called Dave in a Hi-Vis jacket and hard hat.

Hopes dashed for Fianna Fail’s young turks

It has emerged that Fianna Fail are not making an entry into this year’s Texaco Children’s Art Competition – the first time in 43 years that the party has failed to field contestants.

The closing date for entries to the 57th Texaco Children’s Art Competition is Friday, 25th February 2011. Fianna Fail deputies and hopefuls checking the rules (a novel experience for any member of the party) are greeted by the stark warning that “This date is final. If your entry is received after this date it will not be submitted to the judges.

Heartbroken Mary Coughlan and Conor Lenihan were too distraught to comment. Dara Calleary wept openly. Martin Manservant questioned the wisdom of not just letting Fianna Fail win out of a sense of gratitude and “for stability’s sake”.

Outgoing pig dealer and debonair ‘Man About Mitchelstown’ Ned O’Keefe demanded to know why the judges were: “… given final arbitration over such an important matter if they are going to be no use to the system which appointed them ….I’m not trying to change anything by way of which the law of this country is enacted but all I’ll say is this – they forget their frinds very quick now”. He eventually went away when it was explained to him that the judges in question weren’t Fianna Fail appointees.

Ahern Regrets Vision For Ireland Never Quite Fulfilled

Popular Horse-Backer and retiring bloodsucker Bertie Ahern has told reporters his biggest regret is not building a huge costly stadium on the ruins of the country.

“Peace in the North seems hollow and the collapse of the Irish economy a side-issue when you consider that we still have no stadium capable of staging an American football match between two teams of sperm whales,” he explained to the press outside the gates of Leinster House as he made his getaway yesterday.

Mister Ahern was harangued by passers who have felt the pinch of wage cuts. The former Taoiseach chortled merrily, made a note in a small black book labelled “peoples dat I must get” and departed with a large amount of roof lead in a bag marked “swag”.

Fine Gael Leader Edna Kenny (Mrs) emerges from his ‘spider hole’

Fine Gael Leader Enda Kenny was finally cornered after a tip-off led news media to a small, underground hole concealed next to farm buildings near the former leader’s hometown of Castlebar.

Journalists were seconds away from knocking off and going to the pub, when Enda emerged and surrendered

Earlier the news crews searching the farm discovered a so-called “spider hole”, camouflaged with bricks and dirt and covered with polystyrene and a carpet.

Some of the intrepid broadcasters looked into the hole and saw a figure inside it.

“Two hands appeared. The individual clearly wanted to surrender,” one said.

Enda Kenny was pulled out “disoriented” and “bewildered”, according to a producer from RTE’s Prime Time programme trying to track Kenny down to agree to a 3 way debate.

He put up no resistance although armed with an empty starting pistol.

“My name is Enda Kenny. I am the leader of Fine Gael and I want to negotiate,” he told the journalists in English, quickly contradicting himself by saying “Actually I want a five way debate….no…an eight way”.

Accused of changing his position and behaving erratically, Kenny responded “I know you are, but what am I?” several times before breaking down and asking to be left in anonymity.

Iar Taoiseach Bertie Ahern gamboling and frolicking in the specially constructed pension(s) vault under his , Beresford, Drumcondra home

Former taoiseach Bertie Ahern left them rolling with laughter in the dole queues saying today that he wished “somebody somewhere” had warned him about the looming economic catastrophe while he was in power.

On his last ever full day in the Dáil, Mr Ahern also listed his failed attempt to build a national sports stadium – nicknamed the Bertie Bowl – among his biggest regrets because nothing distracts idiots like a match somewhere.

The former MaFFianna Fáil don is among a string of high-profile figures in the party who are standing down from the Cosa Nostra at the General Election next month.

Speaking about his failure to develop a sports stadium despite spending multiples of tax payers’ money on it, the loveable Drumcondra crim said “Unfortunately, when I see little countries like Qatar and Kuwait and everyone in the World Cup talking about their tent stadiums, and we never succeeded in getting one national stadium,” he told RTÉ radio. “That’s an achievement I tried hard to do but I did have a tent”

“You wouldn’t see the leaders of those places puttin up wid all these whingers and moaners trying to get on the telly and radio complaining about the government neither” said the man who once described himself as “The last limb severing Saudi prince in the

Hot off the presses! The first of Fine Gael’s Enda For Taoiseach posters

Fine Gael have this morning revealed the first of their campaign posters for the general election in the face of mounting criticism of their party leader’s apparent absence from the limelight.

Party hard man Phil Hogan brushed off such criticism today saying “Edna is dynamic – he’s here, he’s there, he’s everywhere”.

Asked why Mr Kenny wasn’t launching the poster campaign himself, Hogan explained “Well, sure you can’t be everywhere at once”.

Micheál Martin TD winner (?) of the Fianna Fail “Leadership” contest

Micheál Martin TD has won the Fianna Fail leadership contest, one of the most extensively covered oxymorons in the history of the State.

Now perhaps they will all just go away…

Baron of the Manor of Northstead Sir Gerry of Adams

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! By proclaimation of Her Most Brittanic Majesty Elizabeth II Regina and by declaration of her most honourable Prime Minister David Chinless, our most loyal disloyal subject Sir Gerard D’Adams has been appointed to the post of “Baron of the Manor of Northstead” – the better that he may piss orf.

He is your problem now paddy.

Love (and thanks for all the land)
Liz x