Resident “tenors” Dermot Carmody & Morgan C Jones warble to a traditional tune about the traditionally tiny gene pool of our elected representatives. Truly a sound strack for the New Year, as we face into General Election 2011…
The Class Of Inbred Gobshites Always Running For The Dáil [ 2:49 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | DownloadThe Acting Minister For Finance, Brian Lenihan, has successfully applied for a court hearing concerning “a financial institutuion” to be held in camera, as it dealt with matters of “extreme commercial sensitivity” under new powers contained in the controversial Credit Institutions (Secretiveness) Act 2010. The Act was recently signed after the President had a “good hard look” at it.
Acting Finance Minster Brian Lenhian With New Special Eyes Granted To Him Under The Recent Credit Institutions Act 2010
Mr. Lenihan, who has been fitted with special eyes under the act to help him see things in a special, secret way, said that this should now silence all the act’s detractors who claimed it gave too much power to the Minister For Finance. New powers given to the minister include:
However Mr. Lenihan insisted fears were groundless now. “There is no need for concern about the act or the powers it gives me,” he explained, “because as you can now see I intend to hide everything in a locked room. At this time of difficulty for us all I have no intention of bothering people with anything I can hide, ignore or present incorrectly as the opposite of what it is in the National Interest. Move along now nothing to see here”.
Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has announced a 20-year plan to increase the number of Irish speakers from around 85,000 to 250,000.
Taoiseach Brian Cowen demonstrates the new ministerial novelty fada
“My Government has led by example in this area”, claimed the well known Offaly landmark at Government Buildings yesterday, gamely shouting above festive cries of “Speak English, you rebel bastard!” and “Allez les autres!” from passers-by.
“Although we have not actually increased the amount of Irish spoken”, the Taoiseach-like entity claimed, “we have dramatically decreased the amount of functional or interpetrable English been spoken, thereby creating a linguistic vacuum for the Irish language in the future”
Among measures to increase the number of people speaking Irish, it is being proposed that members of cabinet will wear novelty fadas on their heads when on official business. Additionally all state documents will be made available in ogham, providing a much-needed boost to the ailing rock-notching industry.
Fianna Fail has announced that it is not going to contest the next general election to be held in (a) February (b) March/April (c) Dusseldorf.
The long running affiliation of ward heelers and crooks made the announcement saying it was a tough decision but it (a) Had decided to spend more time with it’s family (b) Suffered continued bouts of ill health (c) Done the maths.
Fianna Fail speaking to reporters earlier today
A tearful party spokespolyp gravely told reporters “The party will be well cared for in retirement by a grateful nation gladly paying a well earned pension to it’s most consistent servant” he said, concluding ” My god. This skunk is powerful”
Emperor of Meddling Global Citizenry Julian Assange poses outside court today with a random leak. “Its like he has transparency fever crossed with tourettes mate” said Bruce ‘Cobber’ Stereotype an old classmate of Assange’s.
Asked to explain further, Mr Stereotype declined but did tell our reporter that his surname was an old Dutch spelling of ‘Smith’ before turning up at our office with a back pack the size of Athenry telling us that someone called Mary who he met on a kibbutz last year told him it would be cool if he crashed with us for a while so he could look around for a bit of bar work.
14 perCent – how low can rap go?
Lovable knockabout ‘comedy taoiseach’ Brian Cowen has announced a change of direction – despite being known for bouts of razor sharp wit, stirring rhetoric and the few bars of an oul’ song behind closed doors away out of the gaze of anyone but poll corrs and FFionan Sheahan, plucky Brian is relaunching as edgy urban rapper.
Styling himself 14 perCent the former clowen hopes to break the bank with his new song I Got 99 Problems But A Functioning Economy Isn’t One Of Them
We wish him well and hope that he emulates Biggy, Tupac, and whoever else in Detroit who has recently mixed rap with lead, fool.
It has emerged that Patch Healy Rae, a 2-yr-old Jack Russell dog belonging to Jackie Healy-Rae, was appointed to the State Injuries Board just days before Kerry TD Jackie Healy-Rae announced his support for the recent budget.
State Board Appointee Patch Healy-Rae
The government has defended the appointment in a statement which says:
“Master Healy-Rae is a qualified dog with 14 doggy-years experience in the area of injuries. Only last week he injured a postman, a local Sinn Fein member and Mr. Healy-Rae himself, whom he mistook for an unusually large squeaky toy. Appointing minority groups, such as dogs, to State Boards is part of an ongoing policy of social inclusion at all levels of government and administration in the state”.
Sources have denied that a fish belonging to Michael Lowry is hotly tipped to be appointed to the board of Bord na gCon. A senior civil servant paused briefly from loading his massive bonus into the boot of his Mercedes to point out that appointing a fish to a dog-related board was stupid. He hinted that a cute rabbit belonging to Jackie Healy-Rae’s niece Jacqui Healy-Rae might be in the running.
Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has defended the awarding of up to €200,000 in individual bonus payments to state officials. The bonuses came to light in a reply to questions from Fine Gael Spokesman on Smarts and Clevers, Fergus O’Dowd.
However the Taoiseach has shoutily assured the Dáil that these are not in fact bonus payments but are instead part of “the overall aggregate payments made to officials under agreements made formerly and in a context where they were the only right arrangement to make at the time and are a clear case where you have to make the distinction between things that are distinct. I’m in fighting form, you know”.
Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen impresses onlookers in the Dáil Impressed Gallery by thinking about what he will shout next in a fighty way, thus demonstrating his utter mastery of matters of state.
The Taoiseach has explained that the payments are made under agreements from the past and cannot be changed. This now seems to be government policy as it is in line with Acting Finance Minister Brian Lenihan’s insistence that the bonuses in AIB are a result of agreements from the past and absolutely must not be paid.
Media observers, particularly those in the impartial state broadcaster RTFF, have praised the Taoiseach’s recent shouty fightiness, which analysts have pointed is both louder and more fighty than previously, clearly indicating a divine right to rule.
Irish politics is in shock and disarray today following the release of a US diplomatic cable quoting then-Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and giving the opinion that the words uttered by the much-loved trickster were “substantively incapable of being proved to be one hundred percent false”.
The unnamed member of the US diplomatic corps sent a report on a high level meeting with the anoraked cash enthusiast in Fagan’s of Drumcondra. In the course of the conversation Ahern is said to have alleged that Sinn Fein leaders Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness were “aware” of the IRA. This only one of the more shocking of several things Ahern is alleged to had said. Other assertions made by the North Dublin Envelopolgist included:
Bertie Ahern Presents George W Bush With An Irish Money Bush
The cable gives the opinion that Mr. Ahern poses no potential threat to US interests in the region but that he represents a clear and present danger to Ireland’s interests. It also recommends that the US security authorities give clearance to Mr. Ahern to present then US President George W Bush with and example of one of the small “money bushes” where Mr. Ahern believed at the time Ireland’s “wealth” was coming from.
AIB’s Executive Chairman David Hassomeneck, has explained that the payment of bonuses to a number of employees is not actually happening now but is a reflection of the past.
“There is a time-space anomaly, which has occurred in a fridge in the kitchen at AIB Head Office,” he explained earlier today, “and inevitably large and un-returnable sums of money occasionally fall through it from the past and into the present pockets of bankers. It’s a quantumy, string-theory kinda thing”.
A Fridge At AIB HQ In Which A Time-Space Anomaly Has Occurred Which Forces Un-returnable Cash Bonuses Into The Pockets Of Bankers From The Past
Leading cosmologists have rushed to back the AIB Exec. Chairman. Professor Hans Industrygoonstein, an economist and cosmologist at AIB, has confirmed that there is absolutely nothing that can be done under these circumstances. He admitted that in theory “if you apply a massive amount of anti-force to a theoretical point which is simultaneously everywhere and nothing, you could possibly reverse this”. However he claimed that “the energies unleashed would utterly destroy not just Ireland but the entire known universe”. Professor Industrygoonstein confirmed that this is partly to do with quarks, but mostly because the space-time-bonus anomaly is id “Systemic Importance” to the Irish economy.
Already many have suggested that since the laws of physics will not allow these bonuses to be prevented, it might be nice if the recipients gave some or all of the money to charity. However a spokesbanker explained the obstacles to this happening in a statement received by The Emergency just minutes ago which read:
“Ha hah!”
