Help is being sought from members of the general public in the search for Edna Kenny (Mrs) a 59 year old woman thought to be leader of Fine Gael, a loose association of people not in Fianna Fail.

Mrs Kenny has been very hard to find in her usual haunts since the arrival, gorging and subsequent departure of the IMF/ECB delegations. There were fears that she had become lodged under the shoe or in the throat of a Mr Ajai Chopra’s lackeys, thought this now seems less likely.

Anyone finding Mrs Kenny are asked to telephone Fine Gael HQ and report their whereabouts. Fine Gael, perceiving themselves to be a better electoral bet in Mrs Kenny’s absence, will undertake to despatch a ‘clean up squad’ to eradicate the offending politician.

Anglo Irish Bank is to be renamed to make things nicer. The new entity will focus solely on recovering loans and will not have a funding arm. “That was always a load of bollox”, confirmed Anglo Chairman, Alan “Smokey” Dukes earlier today.

Mr. Dukes said that the name for the new bank was not yet confirmed but that “Fluffy” and “Pixie Gold Palace” were among the front-runners. Dukes himself will remain in charge but will no longer be known as chairman. Instead the former Fine Gael leader will most likely be known as “Fluffykins” or “Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk”.

Alan Dukes, aka Fluffykins, aka Lord Twinkletoes Of The Pixie Folk

The Emergency has learned that this is just the first in a number of rebranding exercises connnected with the the IMIF/EU bailout. In secret meetings, out of which Joe Higgins was invited to walk but refused, EU Commisioner Olli Rehn is said to have insisted that Ireland’s budget deficit be renamed “The Jennifer”. It is not expected that this will reduce the deficit significantly, but is seen in the context of an EU-wide policy of making stuff sound prettier.

Dáil Éireann will also be rebranded and it is thought that initially it will switch its focus to opening supermarkets, then later focus on appearances at children’s parties before slowly being wound down altogether. It will be replaced by a live feed from Germany and an amusing bawdy bartender.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has denied that any of this is true which has led to widespread confidence that it is all completely true.

AJ Chopra, high-ranking executive of the multi-trillion dollar philanthropical cabal the IMF, has said that the deal sealed over the weekend between the IMF, the EU, the ECB and a polular Kildare Street Social And Drinking Club, will lock down Irish Victimhood well into the next decade.

The plan, which light-hearted commentators have dubbed a “Rescue Plan”, includes innovative measures such as giving away all Ireland’s savings, burning a sizeable portion of the Pension Reserves and wearing a funny leprechaun costume in public.

Chopra: 'Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha'

But this welcome relief comes at a price, as the IMF will be able to monitor the behaviour of all Irish citizens on a daily basis. A small implant, the innovative IMF “ArseWidget” will be inserted into all Irish citizens. The ArseWidget will feed back vital data such as the location, earnings, potato consumption and weight of each individual. If sufficient citizens are deemed to be “not trying hard enough”, the IMF may withold one or many trenches of the promised indebtedness. The data will be analysed by evil officials in white jumpsuits in the IMF HQ hidden within an enormous fake mountain in the South Pacific.

Acting Taoiseach and Chug-master of the Kildare Street Social & Drinking Club, Brian Cowen, has assured Irish citizens that this deal will now give final closure on the crisis and that Ireland will be able to move slowly back to growth. The Victim Consolidation Plan, he claimed, contains a number of measures to stimulate growth, including praying, waiting, hoping and hiding. The Acting Taoiseach pointed out that the IMF ArseWidget was developed in Ireland and will be manufactured in Shannon by a high tech smart economy boffin.

“Being Irish is about driving a german car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on your way home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign. Oh and only in Ireland can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. Only in Ireland do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter. Also Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of shop. We might be bollixed but by fuck we’re funny”

November 28th 2010, the Taylorbunker. Dublin

'Reports that any march against the budget is taking place are ludicrous' Acting Taoiseach

The Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan the Minister for Hissing Incorrect Sums of Money Into Microphones have today denied that any public demonstrations against the ‘government’ are taking place.

The two safest pairs of hands in the known world angrily dismissed dissent against the forthcoming budget and four year plan as ludicrous.

Mr Cowen also denied sub zero temperatures were sweeping the Republic; “I’m in my pants here. it’s roastin’” he said, though a spokesmansergh later admitted that the heating was on high enough to make the governor of Bermuda uncomfortable. “We can do nothing about it. it’s linked to top grade civil service grades” the spokesmansergh keened.

From our reporter on the ground Ever E. Fuggenbody

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore, a staunch opponent of That Sort Of Thing, has commended the Labour candidate in the Donegal South West for “a fantastic performance which is much better than coming fifth”.

Tallies suggest that Sinn Féin Senator Pearse Doherty will win comfortably, with Fine Gael in second place and Fianna Fail in third. Labour’s Frank McBrearty narrowly defeated two independent candidates. “Only one of those independents withdrew from the competition so I think Frank has done a brilliant job”, Mr. Gilmore enthused, “and we are confident that he is well-placed to build on this performance in the forthcoming general election. In fact we expect him to be more places from the bottom of the list of candidates, particularly if more candidates run and none of them drops out in the general election”.

Labour Contenders: (L to R) A Rock, A Promising Dead Badger, Frank McBrearty

However it is emerging that McBrearty may not even be the Labour candidate in the general election in Donegal South West. A number of other contenders have expressed an interest in running for Labour including a rock and a promising dead badger.

Mr. Gilmore insisted this was a good sign of things to come for Labour:

“This is indicative of the strength in depth of Labour and is the type of thing that will sweep us to power in the forthcoming general election, when we will campaign on the basis of our policies which are certainly not those bad policies we hear so much about”.

Mr. McBrearty is said to be “gutted”, but the Labour Party refused to confirm that any specific physical remedy had been administered and would only say McBrearty had “gone to his room and was listening to Joy Division”

Morgan Jones has uploaded this video for the Carmody And Jones single “Not Doing Any Time”, available free here from this web site.

Too little, too late - a picture of one of the offending optics leading to the cancellation of the ceremonial 'gorging of the lizard people' which was supposed to be held at the Burlington Hotel this Saturday

Fianna Fáil’s annual Cáirde Fáil dinner scheduled for this Saturday night, traditionally one of the highlights of the social calendar for the lizard people has been cancelled.

Tickets for the fundraising gathering, known for nearly two years now as “the Acting Taoiseach’s dinner”, cost €95, and the event was due to take place in the Burlington Hotel in Dublin.

One Fianna Fáil deputy, who did not want to be named, said the party had “pulled the plug” on the dinner. “The optics of it wouldn’t have been right – they were standard Solo 35mls and himself prefers the custom large measure 105ml lads because there’s less waitin’ about fer the treble to pour like” the TD said.

Another TD, who also wished to remain anonymous, said: “I presume it was decreed it mightn’t have been a good week to go ahead with it. It would have sent out the wrong signal: MaFFianna Fáil sitting down to dinner at €95 a plate. The optics are all the wrong size in the Burlo in anyways I’m told.”

However, a spokesbanshee for Fianna Fáil insisted the event had not been cancelled but had merely been deferred until a date, yet to be selected by the junior coalition partners, in 2011.

“It’s not cancelled – it’s just postponed. They’ll make a decision early in the new year when to have it at your expense,” the spokesbanshee keened, combing out her tresses with a comb made from the teeth of recently face kicked pensioners and children.

The current chairwoman of the Cáirde Fáil Margaret Conlon TD, appealed to TDs and Senators to buy tickets at the first parliamentary party meeting of this month but many are reported to have answered her claiming to be Independents or pretended to be eastern European television crews. Ms Conlon could not be contacted yesterday but a voicemail at her office claimed that we had called a Chinese laundry.

In a shock announcement the leader of the Green Party has backed Eamon Ryan’s assertion that the Green Party can never be destroyed because it is not in fact a party, but rather “an idea”.

The rogue idea has helped clarify the situation in the country in the last day by announcing there will be an election as soon as there is a four year plan for recovery in place, a budget has been passed unopposed and “shit like that”. The Green Idea leader said the election would be in January and further clarified this later by saying that he never said it would be in January, just “sometime soon”.

The Green Idea will be immune to electoral concerns as it is just notional and it expects to play a leading imaginary role in the future hypothetical development of a psychological mind-map of a metaphor for Ireland.

Green Idea Minister Eamon Ryan Shows Off The Small Glowing Bikes On Which The Greens Will Ride To Otherness Following the General Election

Gormley, Ryan and other prominent Greens will stand for re-election but are expected to transubstantiate on magic bicycles (a vehicle with even lower emissions than a standard push-bike due to minute adjustments to the ephemera and saddle nut) immediately following the results of that election.

Paul Gogarty TD will remain behind on earth holding the baby.