Fianna Fail hunk Cowen

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is the lead poster boy in a new initiative launched by his party to rebrand NAMA as a charity for down at heel senior bondholders, bankers and property speculators.

The groundbreaking Zero campaign will see billboards and building wraps spring up on incomplete building developments all over the state.

Managing to finish sentences without hiccuping and belching overmuch, Mr Cowen spoke in the general direction of reporters at the launch of the charity drive saying, “The optical purpose of this campaign is to spread the message that citizens need no longer worry about having no money – sure none of us do. Well youse don’t. Going forward”

The initiative is the only growing pot of money in the country and benefits from a recent filip of some €8billion of Anglo debt being selflessly bought with borrowed EU cash by government on our behalf securing it as sovereign debt.

“The aim of Zero is to ensure not one of our pals goes without a third foreign holiday or new Rolex next year” said the acting Taoiseach.

Hunk in situ

Seanad Leader Donie “The Dancing Leprechaun” Cassidy has told reporters ity is not easy to cover living costs, expenses and a bald head on a senator’s basic salary of €65k.

Senator Donie Cassidy: Hard To Run Wig On €65K

“Many Senators have a family to support, often their own,” explained the Seanad Leader, whose head is a national park containing a protected species. “We have taken a pay cut and paid our levies. We earn less than judges even though we protect the constitution by selflessly traveling hundreds of miles from our holiday homes to snooze selflessly in the Seanad. I mean, judges, what do they do really that’s so great?”

Senator Cassidy receives a basic salary of around €65,000 as well as an additional payment to cover the extra expenses involved in his role as leader of the Seanad. These expenses include global travel on St Patrick’s Day and a head-mounted leash. Senator Cassidy has denied the extra payment is exorbitant. “It’s only 9 grand more than a fellow on the dole gets. Sure what’s 9 grand in the scheme of things? And ye’re askin’ a lot of questions, me bucko. Is it me pot of gold ye do be after?”.

Senator Cassidy then ended the press conference by dancing a little evil jig and disappearing in what witnesses variously described as “the twinkling of an eye” and “A 10 reg. Mercedes Benz”.

Paul Gogarty TD launches information campaign for Dublin Mayor race

It seems that things could be about to get worse. MUCH worse. In a bizarre twist unstable Green Paul Gogarty has officially launched his bid to be his party’s candidate for elected Mayor of Dublin.

Use Democracy Sensibly, that’s all we’re saying….

Enda Kenny, maverick “leader” of “Fine Gael” (a loose affiliation of people who are not in Fianna Fail) has sought to distance himself and his party from “Labour” (a nice bunch of affable folk with red ties and blouses). Kenny has said Fine Gael will outline “eye-popping” savings to be achieved in the context of a four year plan. it is not certain whether citizens will be required to pop their own eyes or whether the work will be carried out by a crack militia armed with state-of-the-art eye popping equipment. The four year plan will form the basis of a broader plan for a 1000 year “Fine Gaelsreich”.

Enda Kenny: 'Eye-Popping'

Among the list of “100 Things To Make And Do In A Post-Apocalyptic Situation”, it is thought there will be detailed plans for job creation, macramé clothing for schoolchildren and recipes for biscuits made from scurf.

A senior Fine Gael front-bencher, who could not remember his name, told The Emergency that the calls for “consensus government” were an attempt to “flush out” the opposition. He said Fine Gael has no problem being “flushed out”. “We have assumed the position and are ready for the Speculum Of Responsibility”, he said in a voice muffled due to his being face down in a pillow, “unlike Labour who seem hell bent on frittering away the gains made by the centre right consensus over the last ten years”.

Meanwhile the leader of the Labour Party, Eamon Gilmore, has said that all the necessary cuts can be made without affecting public services simply by a combination of taxing and eating high earners and a rigourous programme of sharp efficient sound-bites over the next four years.

Its a story that will beggar the whole family! Coalition Pictures Presents Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory – the heartwarming story of two little boys (innocent Enda Buckenny and wary Eamon Gloop) who gain entry to the mysterious Department of Finance (facts go in – truth never gets out) with special golden tickets issued by Starey Brian, famous worldwide for incredible delusions, and the Greeny Weenies famous for being attached to power at all costs (to the taxpayer)!

Starey Brian and the Greeny Weenies spend all day making up the most unbelievable nonsense and covering it with sugar in an effort to make it palatable – but can their world survive visitors from “outside”?

Featuring the the hit songs The Cowenman Can’t and World Of Pure Imagination, and (I’m In The) Golden Circle your children will literally shovel every cent they will ever earn into this frankly incredible tale. Sure to be a Christmas TV hit…for anyone who hasn’t had to pawn their telly for food in november

Starey Brian and the Delusion Factory at government buildings NOW!

One of the highly sought Golden Tickets allowing the bearer gain access to Starey Brian’s magical Delusion Factory

“The fools! The fools! The fools! The fools! They have left us with the bill – and while Ireland holds these debts she will never be free”. The acting Taoiseach respecting the memory of Wolfe Tone

DATELINE; BODENSTOWN, KILDARE; 17/10/10 – Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen called for a “unity of purpose” among all political parties to address the budget deficit and restore international confidence in Ireland – the unpopular small town solicitor was speaking at the annual MaFFianna Fáil Wolfe Tone commemoration at Bodenstown in Co Kildare. Mr Cowen said he welcomed the long awaited surrender of civil war opponents Fine Gael and the capitulation of Labour that reducing Ireland’s deficit to 3 per cent of GDP by 2014 is necessary.

Taking time out from reading John Gormley’s plea for concensus the acting Taoiseach returned to his usual stance of hiding behind actual patriots who had a vision for Ireland but who are now, conveniently, dead. Mr Cowen and his fellow reptiles made sure to look as stoic and patriotic as possible as they remebered Wolfe Tone. Wolfe Tone is of course famous for founding the United Irishmen and saying: “Our independence must be had at all hazards….If the men of property will not support us they must fall – we can support ourselves by the aid of that numerous and respectable class of the community, the men of no property”

Hammering home his party’s version of honouring and emulating conveniently extinct nationalists and Fenians Mr Cowen took the opportunity to shill his version of the United Irishmen unashamedly over Tone’s grave. “What did Tone mean by that, eh? That men of no property will support us thing? NAMA! Thats what he meant. He could see how important it was 500 years ago when he defeated the Vikings at the Hill of Tara so I can’t see why people are arguing the toss now”

“It would substantially help Ireland’s position if we were to show the international community that there is a unity of purpose to go from words to actions” he said. By which he means “Leave your money, your children’s money and your grandchildren’s money in an orderly pile for the markets and stop yer whingin’ now, going forward”.

As part of their acceptance of the coalition’s deficit management plan meanwhile, Fine Gael are to launch a new document with “100 New Ideas” to save the country. Unfortunately being a functioning opposition party isn’t one of them

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen listens to the next generation while taking a free ride on the new luas extension

The Central Bank has issued a commemorative coin in the denomination €15 billion on the anniversary of the first coins issued by the Irish Free State in 1928. The coin features two horses in recognition of the work of racing enthusiast Charlie McCreevy in propelling the country towards the day when each man woman and child in ireland will require a purse full of such coins to purchase a pint of milk.

15 Billion Euro Coin

The first coins issued by the Free State were made of turf and blood and were from seventeen feet to thirty-four feet in diameter. Some months later the first bank notes were issued. these were composed of counties the first one in circulation being the ten bob Louth.

The Emergency Breaking News has seen the email proposing a three stage approach to reaching concensus on the details of the evisceration of the nation as requested by the EU. The email was sent from the Ministers Gmail account at around 7pm yesterday and reads as follows:

From: waycooljohnnyg999@gmail.com
To: Undisclosed Party Leader Dudes
Subject: National Governmentz FTW!!!!!!!

‘Sup?

Soz 4 de delayz gettin dis shit together!! My Internetz woz b0rked and I did not haz emailz!!!!!?! St00pid Ryaner LOLZ!!!

Anyhoo, jus wanna run dis concensus shit past yiz..

Da story:

1) We all know we can’t haz cheezburger & we all know we can’t haz den for 4 yeerz!!! WTF?!?!???? LMFAO!!!!!!!!! We need 2 cut da deficitz by 3 or some number shit by 2014 or some year. Allamsayin.

2) Dudes @ Finance gonn get fiscally revelatory in yo ass ASAP. Not sayin it’s bad but bring yo *BIG* shovel homeboyz [and grrllz, JB LOLZ \0/ xxx]

3) Total. All. Party. Flashmob. OMFG there’s no preconditions!!!!! Chillax and smell the frickin #tweetup!!!!???!?!? ROTFLMFAO

Badda and Bing. Dats it. Sign where it sez ‘U can’t haz cheezbrgrz cos of me too and it’s not #justthefuckinggreensfault

‘Sall

Laterz,
waycooljohnnyg999
XoX

Eamon Ryan, Grown-Up

Green Minister for Talking Out Loud In A Muppetty Way Eamon Ryan last night used an appearance on RTE’s The Week In Politics to outline his many beliefs and placatory hand gestures which he and his party hope will put an end to the country’s financial hardships.

Audible at times only to dogs and Martin Mansergh, Mr Ryan repeatedly told viewers how the only way out is donning the GreeFF jersey and believing every shifting statement made by our increasingly bug eyed trainee finance minister.

“It’s really not that bad” Mr Whine ryaned – “They make a little incision and remove your appendix, ethics and principles”. He hopes to see talks about the establishment of a framework for talks without prejudice set up in a timeframe allowing him and his party colleagues begin to cash in on the Dáil Eireann pensions gravy train.

Gardai meanwhile are still searching for the whereabouts of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen who hasn’t made a definitive public statement since he was caught drinking at work one morning a couple of weeks ago.