LATEST PICTURE : The truck blocking the Kildare St gate of Leinster House this morning

City centre traffic is disrupted this morning following an incident on Kildare St involving a delivery for the acting Taoiseach and the gates of the Dáil.

The truck is in the process of being moved. The incident is not expected to delay the coalition’s plan to continue shoveling our grandchildren’s future into ‘the markets’.

(is this the pic where he’s pissed? its the one they ran on Leno isn’t it? I can’t tell the difference – ah sure run it anyway)

Acting Taoisozzled Brian Cowen has told Fianna Fail’s press service RTE that he is embarking on a brave plan to create 300,000 empty glasses over the next five years – he will do this round the clock every day excluding the Friday before Easter which is traditionally a ‘dry day’ known in the catholic calendar as ‘Croke Park’.

Opposition spokesmen took time off squabbling with eachother to point out that the Acting Taoiseach’s plans are flawed. They say that even if he does manage to down 164 pints a day he hasn’t allowed for recovery time and scheduled media appearances – factoring this in it will take him at least six and a half years to reach his proposed goal.

End of cosy arrangement on pairing in sight

Tánaiste and Minister for Edukayshun and Sckills Mary Coughlan is reported to be “only fucken spittin so she is” after having to cancel a trip to the USA scheduled for this week following the removal of vote pairing by Fine Gael ahead of the resumption of Dáil business – deputies return to Leinster House this Wednesday as the summer recess ends. At the end of September. Summer. Recess.

Fine Gael has moved to remove pairing arrangements after looking up the Internet and discovering that they are an opposition party.

Ms Coughlan’s ire centres on her having to miss “one of the last of them free Yankee Fás hair dos oul Harney used to get”.

In other news, hope is fading for the Green party which hasn’t been seen for days.

Minister for Staring Through Rose Tinted Glasses Brian Lenihan

Minister for Staring Through Rose Tinted Glasses Brian Lenihan has attempted to calm fears about the recent surge in the cost of Irish borrowing, underlining “…[the] remarkable turnaround in the Irish economy over the past year and isn’t the weather only massive?”

He told a conference on treating citizens like infants held in Dublin that while the economy had lost a leg, the limp wouldn’t be so pronounced when the other gangrenous limb was torn off; and it was important that the full picture and the underlying trends were reported.

“Exports are growing. Katy Taylor beat Mike Tyson and Prince Naseem. New order books are expanding and business confidence has improved markedly since last year. The Beatles have got back together and will play daily free concerts at the Papal Cross in Phoenix Park. Tax revenues are stabilising, the average Irish family now owns not one but three state of the art helicopters. Public expenditure is under control and our budget deficit will shrink next year; People from Cork have spontaneously developed gold producing glands under their left arms” he said.

He warned, however, that neither the international markets nor our European Union partners would tolerate a slippage from the stated budget targets. “Tough decisions” he stated, staring emphatically like a man trying to hypnotise chickens.

Mr Lenihan said he recognised and understood the anger felt by the public about what had happened over the last three years. Pausing to rearrange his features from ‘stare’ to ‘feigned empathy’ the Minister said: “That anger has been well articulated by commentators who genuinely and rightly believe they have a role in giving voice to the frustrations of the citizens. But those of us in positions of leadership have a duty to give people hope, before ramming a bargepole up them” he added.

The Minister said the recent surge in borrowing costs for some countries suggested there was a concerted attack on euro zone nations “We suspect it may be those pesky Lehmans again. Grrrrrrr! Curse you pesky Lehmans!” he said shaking his fist at nothing in particular.

He said the Irish Government “will do everything that is essential to protect our gig and our friends”.

In other news, standing on a 20 foot pile of some of his money, former EU commissioner and attorney general Peter Sutherland, now a non-executive chairman of Goldman Sachs International, said the Government may need to cut more than €3 billion in next year’s budget.

(Irish borrowing costs hit a new high of 6.546 per cent yesterday and have been rising for the last month. The extra yield investors demand to hold Irish bonds over German bonds has surged to record highs due to investor concern about the State’s ability to manage its budget deficit and the bank bailout. [source:Irish Times])

Not waving, drowning

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen today dismissed the results of a new poll for TV3 which show that his credibility has been severely diminished by his disasterous post piss up Morning Ireland interview.

Speaking to reporters from the depths of a double dip recession Mr Cowen insisted that his leadership was secure, that the markets admire his government’s tough decisions, and that the recession is over.

Questioned about exchequer figures indicating a double dip recession Mr Cowen said that the figures had to be looked at in terms of the totality of the year. With killer material like that it’s no wonder that he has them rolling in the aisles during his nightclub act.

Taken from the forthcoming EP ‘The Morale Will Continue Until The Beatings Improve’ by Carmody & Jones of The Emergency’s Musical Corps. Featuring ‘My Granny Goes On Facebook’ a song about the perils of elder internet abuse; ‘Never Go Home Woth A Man Of God’ a timely multi-faith warning to those considering a biblical relationship with a spiritual leader; ‘Not Doing Any Time’ an ode to the authors of our fiscal downfall, and ‘The Battle Hymn of The Tea Party’ which does exactly what it says on the tin (watch the video) EP available to download soon from iTunes, Amazon, Napster and other leading online music stores. ‘The Morale Will Continue Until The Beatings Improve’ by Carmody & Jones

Tánaiste and celebrity underachiever Mary Coughlan

The future is uncertain for the 310 pupils of Cistercian College, Roscrea – the exclusive private boarding school has been inadvertently pledged by the Tánaiste as the unspecified plaything of an employment development think tank comprising the IDA, HEA, FÁS, Tourism Ireland and The Message Board In The Spar.

According to the Irish Daily Mail, when speaking at the window dressing event held yesterday the Tánaiste slipped up in saying that the Taoiseach was giving the initiative “his alma mater” rather than his “imprimatur”.

The Department of Education and Skills has moved however to confirm the gifting of the school to the talk shop under a mechanism similar to decentralisation. This is hoped to have the effect of saving the Tánaiste’s face.

Speaking at the event the Acting Taoiseach assured citizens that they “..do have a future”, but insisted that there will be “No silver bullet” to fix unemployment. Analysts fear that the future alluded to by Mr Cowen is death in penury. It does however appear that the Taoiseach is at least trying to save money on silver bullets, implying that he has plans to fix unemployment with regular lead bullets.

Additional reporting by Conor Lambert of our Leitrim Desk

Claims that the well-known blimp and Acting Taoiseach, Brian Cowen is now in a stable and unassailable position at the head of government look in doubt again as the puffed-up Offaly man slipped his moorings at The National Ploughing Championships (which are not just about ploughing) in Athy.

Mr Cowen was showing leadership by deliberately allowing his body to become full of gas to the point where he started to float, and allowing businesses to advertise on his bloated airborne body. All went well at first as a record crowd watched the much-loved carouser float high above the sodden fields of Athy.

But delight turned to terror when the upward momentum of the soaring Acting Taoiseach ripped the hairy twine from the child holding him on the ground, and the blimp-politician was blown away in the wind.

“We’re very upset at loosing the Taoiseach just when we had so much confidence in him,” confessed a starey Minister For Finance Brian Lenihan to reporters. “However there is an automatic gas-release mechanism built into the Taoiseach and we anticipate he will come to ground later today”.

There are some concerns that the blimp-Taoiseach will cause problems for air traffic, but these were allayed by further reassurances from Mr. Lenihan: “There is a doomsday failsafe in case the primary gas release mechanism fails,” he explained. “If he hasn’t come to earth in the normal course of events we will schedule an emergency interview on the radio first thing tomorrow morning which will enable any remaining gas to escape from a number of the Taoiseach’s, erm, valves”.

The mishap has not affected the National Ploughing Championships (which are not just about ploughing) where there have been record attendances. Speaking there yesterday, President McAleese, herself a keen harrower, attributed the turnout to a combination of the Irish People’s Great Spirit and massively high levels of unemployment.

A nation of fit birds dancing on the high street – is this the shape of things to come?”

The UK and Ireland are the worst places in Europe for quality of life, while France is the best – the findings of a new study which has led to a left of field proposal by senior officials in Whitehall that Her Majesty’s government should consider purchasing the Republic of Ireland and rebranding it as a “Bad England”.

While the plan to split the UK into a “Good England” and “Bad England” isn’t new it has been hampered by Britain lacking the necessary real estate. In fact the arrangement had previously been in place for some 800 years up to the early 20th century – it has yet to be formally floated between the two governments.

However, sources at the Department of Finance report uncontrollable relieved giggling from behind Brian Lenihan’s office door.

Any such proposal, if it comes to fruition, is to be named the Good Croke Friday Park Agreement so as not to overtax the acting Taoiseach first thing in the mornings at 9am

Here is the news. Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s position is described today as “unassailable”. Mr Cowen himself has been lauded internationally as a “paragon of sobriety, wit and sagacity”.

Ireland is “fundamentally the most stable economy in the solar system” according to the international financial markets. Europe thinks we are “only massive so we are”.

A high ranking spokesman for the EU told RTFF news today that negative opinions, expressed by the tiny minority of whingers and begrudgers opposed to sensible government policies, are “unhelpful and uncalled for”. The official urged an end to this wholly unnecessary practice.

Science minister Fredo Lenihan has announced the creation of a million jobs in a proposed factory producing church approved teaching aids. That’ll be great.

That’s all for now, RTFF news will be back at noon, and remember we’re broadcasting all this year from the ploughing championships.