The Chairman of Anglo, Alan “The Ash Zombie” Dukes has beeen explaining to admirers the €8.2 billion loss by Anglo Irish Bank in the first 6 months of this year. The losses are the best ever by any Irish company, which Mr. Dukes points to as proof of Anglo’s contribution to Irish cultural life.

Dukes: Worse-than-expected Haircut

The losses include “write-downs”, “haircuts”, “whoopsies” and “shit that just slipped down the back of the couch when the kids were messing about with it”.

Mr. Dukes insists that Anglo Irish Bank’s plan to create a small good bank will work, despite the fact that the ECB, many leading economists and the majority of dogs have pointed out the plan’s over-reliance on the existence of goblins, faeries and “a bottomless pit of gold”.

Anglo bosses will not say whether the €25 billion already given to the bank by the government will turn out to be sufficient but have issued a statement reading simply “Fingers crossed, lads  ”.

The Emergency is pleased to announce that we’ll be the guests of The Leitrim Laughs Comedy Club for a full-length “The Emergency Live!” show in The Dock Arts Centre in Carrick on Shannon on Thursday October 14th.

To book call their box office on 071 965 0828 or call to the box office in person. The Box office is located in The Leitrim Design House shop on the ground floor of The Dock. You can download the current programme for The Dock from their web site (PDF document).

Green Party Chairman Dan Boyle, who owns the Twitter, today intimated that the Greens are “Leaning Towards” the policy of a quicker wind down of Anglo Irish “Bank”. Up to now the Greens have pursued a strict policy of “Teetering Towards” the government policy of keeping Anglo going at any cost whatsoever. However over the summer it is known that senior Green Party members openly discussed adopting a policy of either “Wavering” or “Wobbling”.

There are unconfirmed reports that an associate of Mr. Boyle’s was heard at a meeting of wind enthusiasts claiming that in the last analysis the party might even adopt a policy of “Jumping Up And Down Three Times, Yipping Like A Poodle With A Chili Up Its Ass And Falling Accidentally Over The Edge Into The Abyss” unless government policy is amended at the upcoming meeting of the GreeFF cabinet.

In a statement Mr. Boyle said:

“It has always been the policy of the Green Party, and we have a proud and demonstrable record of this in not just one but many areas at …”

At which point the Green Chairman ran out of characters, shrugged, held up a placard reading “#biteme” and wandered off.

We Are Where We Were takes the form of a radio show performed live on stage by The Emergency and will consist of The Emergency’s trademark melange of sketches and songs satirising the current miasma that is Ireland. The Emergency thrives on the now and almost instantaneous satire, assuring the audience of lines wet upon the page lampooning the political idiocy of the moment as well as some gems from The Emergency’s output to date in 2010.

Date/Time: Sun 3 Oct 6pm
Venue: Ranelagh Multi-Denominational School
Adm €10 – Booking essential

Download Ranelagh Arts Festival Programme here: www.ranelagharts.org
Festival Box Office: 26 Ranelagh, Dublin 6
Open: Mon – Fri: 12 noon – 7pm
Sat – Sun: 11pm – 6pm
Online ticket sales: www.ranelagharts.org
T: 085 743 7212
E: info@ranelagharts.org
Twitter: @RanelaghArts

In a sponsorship deal believed to worth 500% of Ireland’s GDP, The International Monetary Fund is to contribute massively towards the redevelopment of Ireland.

Plans for the new Ireland will be available for the public to view shortly in a cupboard at the IMF headquarters in Washington DC. The plan is expected to involve the demolition of the existing Ireland, providing jobs for Four million Irish people each of whom will be employed to destroy himself or herself to make way for one of the new slimline “population units” to be introduced by 2015.

The first phase of the plan will involved the redevelopment of Leinster House in to a giant open-air puppet theatre. The new Leinster House will be named “The IMF Stadium” and will provide seating for up to 166 marionettes as well as 60 new sock puppets (formerly known as “senators”).

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan welcomed the development in a statement: “The fact that the IMF is willing to accept the blood of three generations of Irish citizens as loan collateral is proof yet again of Positive International Opinion in favour of the Tough Decisions made by this ‘Government’. We have turned a corner and are feverishly applying opposite lock – a manoeuvre which should reduce the loss of life to Irish citizens to less than 60%”.

The new oireachtas, The IMF Stadium will be aggressively marketed in a unique voting package offer which will see lucky punters able to vote in a Fianna Fail government for the next four general elections by purchasing a special 4-for-1 Golden Ballot. The package is competitively priced at €22 billion a shot.

The Emergency has obtained exclusive details of the making of the recent George Hook hostage videos, in which the former hero of Truth and Justice was forced at chequepoint to abandon decades of speaking his mind and instead read a carefully-scripted message from his shadowy captors about how their entire purpose in life was to improve the “television” “experience” of the “people” they “care” about.

Despite the excruciating and graphic nature of Hook’s humiliating appearance in the hostage videos, they have been aired dozens of times a day recently on Irish TV. A spokesweasel for Sky-pee explains this as further proof of the corporation’s “caring” about “your television experience”. The hostage videos clearly demonstrate the dangers of watching too much TV and of having your brandy laced with Rohypnol before the cameras started rolling.

Former caterer, rugby pundit and radio opinionifyer Mr. Hook (94) has refused to make a coherent comment on the videos. Sources close to the broadcaster have said he is “traumatised” and “solvent” following the episode.

The European Commission has “temporarily approved” further cash injections in struggling gentleman’s club Anglo Irish.

NEW LOOK AT ARNOTT’S: Anglo Irish Gentleman’s Club Grand Whackmaster Ronán O’Slippery – Bogpig arrives to man the tills at Arnott’s early this morning.

The Commission has said the further capital injection is necessary to ensure global confidence among world gentleman in the continued gentlemanly corpulence in the Anglo Irish club. However the Commission has wanred that this a temporary decision pending its full assessment of a restructuring plan for Anglo Irish Gentleman’s club.

The plan is believed to include a drastic cutback in access to the humidor, a ban on members playing “thrash the prole” in the Big Elk Room and a 50% reduction in golf accessories and Bollinger allowances. The latter will see members scraping by on a magnum a day during the week.

Along with Ulsterbank, Anglo has also assumed control of Dublin Department Store Arnott’s. Anglo Grand Whackmasters have poo-poohed criticism of their lack of experience in the retail sector, pointing out that for some time recently Anglo was capable of selling the idea that it was an actual bank with real money and everything and so can probably sell knockdown twinsets on the high street without too much bother.

Ivor Callely’s accountant pictured earlier today

Beleaguered FF senator Ivor Callely has issued a statement this evening refuting all allegations that he submitted bogus expense claims totalling some€3000 for mobile phones using receipts from a company which had ceased trading a decade prior to the “invoices” being raised.

He says he has done nothing wrong and has no idea how the invoices came to be submitted. In spite of his innocence, he will repay the moneys wrongly claimed.

But…but…but…if he did nothing wrong, why pay the money back? A MaFFiana Fail spokesmobster has made a statement to the effect that if we stop struggling it will be more painless and over quicker.

Senator Mary O’Rourke pictured this morning just before Dr Phil came on

SENATOR IVOR Callely has brought “shame and dithgrathe” on Fianna Fáil and should be expelled from the party, according to long-serving TD and former minister Mary O’Rourke who went on to denounce scorpions for being “poithonouth” and Dublin’s beloved Spire for being “pointy”.

Mr Callely claimed almost €3,000 from the Oireachtas for the purchase of mobile phones and related services from Alexander Graham Bell a person whom the Companies Registration Office records show had ceased existing.
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