There is huge anger reported among The Plain People Of Ireland who feel “deserted”, “let down” and “confused” as broadcaster, wit & raconteur Joe Duffy absents himself from the Liveline hotseat for his summer holliers.

Numerous incidents of people having no one to moan to in a crisis were reported throughout the country today and yesterday as Duffy (97) scarpered leaving popular Irish royal, Philip Boucher-Hayes dazed with a microphone and a rotary dial telephone deep in the bowels of the RTE Radio Centre.

Joe Duffy (L) relaxes with Bono & Ali Hewson On Launch Traveling To Roman Abramovich’s Yacht In Tramore Yesterday

Aggie O’Toole (107) from Castlepollard, Co. Westmeath was among the first to suffer as she attempted to ring Joe Duffy to clear up a problem with her guttering. “Me guttering is banjaxed, it’s a disgrace. What do i tell my children and my children’s children who will have to pay for this mess?” she whinged when it became apparent that a beardless presenter was dealing with her call.

Meanwhile avid collector of Eamon Coughlan’s laces, Gerard McDermott of Greater Galway, was fuming when he realised he was left with no avenue, recourse or clue in Mr. Duffy’s absence. McDermott had recently bought what purported to be genuine Coughlan Indoor Laces from the 1983 season. The Chairman Of The Boards broke the world indoor mile record for the third time that season and the laces, which he didn’t use but which it was alleged he might have, fetched a five figure sum in frenzied eBay bidding. However when the laces arrived by post it was immediately apparent from the fluting on the ends that these were a later pair probably not even seen by noted Olympian Coughlan (114).

“With the Dáil not in session and the recent short-sighted banning of paramilitary organisations, my only hope was banging on about this to Joe Duffy,” lamented Mister McDermott. “It’s a poor lookout when I have have to write to Ian O’Doherty in the Irish Independent and hope for the worst. We might as well hand the keys of the country to the feckin’ Queen of England whenever she arrives”.

A spokesbeard for Mr. Duffy sympathised with the Plain People but insisted that constitutionally his client was just some bloke and not actually a human right.

“I hear the people and I feel their pain,” he dissembled smarmily whilst driving his taxi on the Inchicore road, “But Joe is taking a much needed break. He will be back in a matter of weeks and will be prepared to listen to any amount of crapulent victimhood as per usual”.

The Taoiseach Mr. Cowen has confirmed that Joe Duffy is of Systemic Importance to the Irish economy and that if necessary the government will step in to pay his wages.

The former head of systemically important cesspit, Anglo Irish Bank, Mr. Sean FitzPension has been declared bankrupt after it became clear that the current heads of Anglo would not accept an alternative deal put to creditors by Mr FitzPensions Hired Goons.

Under the proposed deal, Mr FitzPension offered half his pension, the deeds to Crumlin & Kimmage and use of both the top hat and little dog pieces to creditors as part payment. However although some creditors were keen on this arrangement, Anglo said it did not believe it would get back any more of the €110 million owed to it under the proposed deal and insisted that anyway it had seen Mr FitzPension palming an extra 200 last time he passed go. A last ditch offer from FitzPensions Goons under which he would agree to hand back the tenner he won in a rigged beauty contest failed to move the new Anglo shitepilots and the Goons gave up and upended the board on the way out to the kitchen to make tea and sulk.

At no stage did Mr. FitzPension put his Get Out Of Jail Free Card on the table.

The sacred eyeballs of Blessed Abernathy of Crete now touring Ireland

By Ludicrous Pile-O’Bollox our Religious Affairs Editor DATELINE DUBLIN 10/07/2010 – The miraculously preserved eyeballs of Saint Abernathy of Crete have arrived in the republic and are about to go on a whirlwind tour of parishes the length and breadth of the country.

The relics are believed to be the most holy part of the 13th century monk who allegedly died over an eighteen month period while attempting to eat an oak tree from the roots up as a mark of his devotion to god. Shortly after his death locals reported themselves to be entirely cured of having to associate with a tiresome tree eating zealot. Three years later he was declared a saint by Pope Zebedee the Egregious.

There are 18 closed orders of Abernathians in Ireland, six of them safe for minors to be near. A garda spokesbeing told The Emergency that the eyeballs will be escorted under armed guard at taxpayers’ expense “…in case satan or some muslims or jews try to rob them or something”.

The relics have been tested by Professor Fr Luciano Gullibili of the Osseratore di Scientifica de Vaticana in Rome who pronounced them to be genuine spiritually charged remains from St Abernathy. They have also tested positive as being two pebbles with eyes chalked onto them in ‘real world’ conditions.