Ineffectual Green Leader John Gormley who is led and said by others

Green Leader and Minister for Fucking Off Meath People John Gormley has described the Labour Party as being “The Fr Ted of Irish politics” accusing them of saying “…down with this sort of thing while not saying what they are in favour of”

While Mr Gormless made his statement Fianna Fail sat in the corner drooling drunkenly occasionally yelling “Nama! Arse!! Lehman’s!!!” until Fine Gael came in with a tray full of ruddy Mayo men asking “Will you have a cup of weak Enda? You will, you will, you will, you will”.

Any resemblance of the Dáil to Fr Ted is coincidental: one is a long running popular farce depicting authority figures as buffoons, and the other was a popular Channel 4 sitcom written by Graeme Linehan and Arthur Matthews”

Bruton – actually 63

New evidence has emerged thus morning that failed Fine Gael leadership contender Richard Bruton has an unhappy track record in assuming natural authority.

According to papers discovered by The Emergency Richard Bruton was first usurped by his younger brother John shortly after his birth in 1953 – an early heave which saw Richard assume his younger brother’s pram, tiny clothing and destiny in the family while John, now the successful ‘older’ brother was elevated to the coveted position of ‘the biggest boy on Meath’ – a job he would hold for several years.

Richard Bruton meanwhile has returned to his suburban Dublin home to consider his position. He is currently locked in a bitter battle with a ladybird for control of his back garden.

Halifax customers who have not switched or closed their current or credit card accounts will have their cards and accounts deactivated from 5 pm today in a move which sees the foreign bank retrenching and leaving these shores; and leaving their former customers to forage as best they can in the slime of the Irish banking sector

21 Halifax shops are to close today, with the remaining 23 closing next Wednesday. On Thursday a Vogon Destructor fleet will move in and demolish Ireland to make way for a ghost estate, even though it seems that Bernard McNamara, Liam Carroll and the rest of the MaFFia annointed wreckers have already been there, done that, and the taxpayers.

In February, Halifax, which is owned by Bank of Scotland (Ireland) announced its plans to close its 44 retail branches.

Richard Bruton the plucky blueshirt also ran has been knocked out of the World Cup by plucky blueshirt underdog Edna Kenny

Mr Bruton was last seen limping from the Dáil with what looked suspiciously like a vuvuzela rammed up him.

Fine Gael will be remembered as a political party which flourished briefly in the 1940s before staging a rennaisance of sorts in the 1970s and 80s.

Photo: acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen hears the news

Declan Ganley this morning during visiting time

It has been reported that former leader of former political party Libertas, Declan Ganley, has declared himself outright winner of today’s Fine Gael leadership contest – despite not being a member of the party

Mr Gannetty described mounds of votes with his name on them and told reporters where they could be found.

A doctor at the clinic said this kind of behaviour was normal in cases of thwarted megalomania, and changed all the meds again.

How CRUTCH reported the impending leadership contest

The end is in sight for at least one of the contestants in today’s Fine Gael Leadership contest – in spite of a ruling by the commercial court yesterday finding the term “Fine Gael Leadership” to be a breach of Trade Descriptions Legislation.

Special teams have been working around the clock getting vital supplies of crutches and ammunition to Fine Gael HQ

The Emergency has come into possession of a recent copy of Crutch the official Fine Gael party newsletter which shows that the party is fully prepared for the coming days and weeks. Phil Hogan the party’s Environment, Heritage & Local Government spokesman is interviewed in the publication and assures Fine Gael members that all possible precautions have been taken to prevent a bloodbath.

The interview, headlined “Happiness is a Warm Heave” outlines distribution centres for party members looking to collect their official FG crutch (guaranteed to last for at least one leader). There are tips on aiming and reloading for those who fire wide first, and a draw for a coveted visit to the Fine Gael inner sanctum the Crutch Room – a shrine to leading members at Fine Gael HQ in Mount St.

A rare glimpse inside the hallowed Fine Gael ‘Crutch Room’ at Mount Street

The true story of a party of gobshites on film for the first time….

Statement from Fine Gael leader Edna Kenny on the sacking of finance spokesman Richard Bruton

“Over the weekend, I had a meeting, several texts, a couple of emails, nine tweets, a note wrapped round some class of a brick thrown through my bedroom window, and other conversations with Deputy Richard Bruton during which he informed me that he is no longer prepared to support my leadership. I felt he was being unclear and evasive, so I asked him to clatify, rethink and reconsider his position and to work with me to ensure that Fine Gael wins the next general election.

“As the Dail will debate a motion of no confidence in the Taoiseach and Fine Gael’s motion on the banking inquiry this week, Richard’s decision leaves me with no option but to get my cheeks to their ruddiest and scowl at him very very sternly indeed; oh..ehh..and relieve him of his responsibilities as Deputy Leader and Finance Spokesperson with immediate effect of course.
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Fine Gael’s eyecatching new image in a campaign which is designed to present the party as a viable alternative to the other civil war party

So you’re in your late teens or early twenties and thinking of getting involved in politics. Ever thought of joining Young Fine Gael?

Here’s what you get!

A pair of Fine Gael Converse Trainers with targets on each toecap!
A low velocity pistol!!
A tiny number of friends!!!
A fierce ruddy complexion!!!!!
Virtually gauranteed lifelong virginity!!!!
A very real chance of being appointed front bench Finance spokesman to replace Richard Bruton (grrrr)

Party Leader Edna Kenny and his deputy Richard Bruton keen to play down reports of unrest in Fine Gael ranks

FG Leader Edna Kenny (Mrs) presented a united front with stalking horse Richard Bruton this morning in an attempt to downplay speculation over the weekend that Mr Kenny (Mrs)may soon have more time on his hands than he knowns what to do with.

All emergency treatment wards in the country have been placed on high alert and have been told to expect a dramatic rise in the incidence of self inflicted gunshot wounds to the feet. Patients will present with a flushed complexion, blue shirt, and a muddled conservitive view of Irish society. Doctors are advised to let them bleed out “for the good of the nation”