Beelzebub caught out by sudden freezing conditions

The Prince of Darkness was caught unawares in an unprecedented cold snap which caused the proverbial freezing over of Hell this morning – the anomalous climactic conditions have been blamed on final tiny and grudging admissions of some degree of culpability in events leading to the downturn by disgraced former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern who has joined acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen in accepting some responsibility for the current economic crisis.

“I am distraught that the Father of Lies has wrought such damage on my lovely Netherworld” Lucifer told reporters this morning. “there I was, minding my own business, tormenting some of the Popes and suddenly BAM!, Hell freezes over just like that” he said, chokng back tears and a bit of nun leg..

The difficulties for Satan followed Mr Ahern agreeing with everything in the speech which acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen delivered at Dublin City University on Thursday night. A spokesman for the Met Office, Dr Gerry Manwhowinks has said that the freeze could have been worse: “Imagine if they’d accepted responsibility in any meaningful way? Brrrr!” he said, shivering for effect while winking spasmodically.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen used a speech he gave last night at DCU to defend his management of the economy in the years leading up to the property crash but conceded the economic and banking crisis was made worse by internal factors, including mistakes by shady Hungarian mobster Keyser Söze.

During the speech at Dublin City University last night Mr Cowen stared fixedly at a white board covered in posters and photographs, seeming to draw inspiration from it’s content.

The Acting Taoiseach admitted that mistakes were made but continued to blame Lehmann Brothers and Keyser Söze for the global economic crash. Then, he limped around the corner to a waiting car driven by the shadowy Mr Nama….and just like that….he was gone.

Our pictures are worth thousands of words. A devastated Peter Robinson lost his key seat in East Belfast and now faces the prospect of losing his rank as First Minister and Sourest Looking Man In The Village to boot.

BEFORE

A happy go lucky Peter Robinson is snapped in a relaxed moment after visiting the gents at the count centre

AFTER

Stripped of his earthly glory…. Veteran Unionist watcher Kemp McCardle describes the key shift in the former First Minister’s expression: “Aye, he still looks sour right enough…but ye can tell that he’s just not enjoying it”

DATELINE – Lurgan, Northern Ireland: An experienced Unionist watcher, who has spent the last eighteen years living among the loyalist community in Northern Ireland, this morning told reporters that “Yon DUP lad there is upset” – that’s according to his expert reading of the scant facial expressions made by DUP leader Peter Robinson.

Kemp McCardle claims he has lived with Unionists for so long by staying in a specially constructed hide disguised as a bowler hat. McCardle’s wife Maureen disputes this claim and asserts that her husband is a workshy layabout.

In other news, Britain has a….new…..ehhhh….

Our man in a bowler hat Kemp McCardle displaying his ‘hide’

The ruined Greek Central Bank in Dæmė Street in Athens yesterday

The anti-government anti-bank “anti-being fucked up the whizzwang by the elite” riots which crippled Athens yesterday leading to the firebombing of a bank and three deaths have been attributed to the marked absence on Greek radio of a nasal honking daytime father confessor along the lines of Joe Duffy.

Greek radio boss Directorio Generaladoppolous this morning lamented the fact that Greek listeners don’t have a placating voice on weekday schedules allowing punters to vent their spleen histrionically in a manner which defuses public dissent. “Wė wœuld lovė tœ hævė a talk to Jœ Dūffudœppollis but xadly wė dœn’t” he said in bizzarely accented pidgin Greeklish.

Mr Generaladoppolous’ thesis is believed by many to be flawed however. Critics of his argument point to a decided lack of unregulated headshops in Greece. “Surely the country should be overrun with them if he is correct about the ‘no Joe’ thing” said Professor Ryan Bigot of UGC’s Crippled Economics Department, adding “Filthy feckers anyhow. All of them”.

Opposition parties have strongly rejected claims by the Donegal North-East pensioner of principle, Dr James McDaid, after he yesterday told a radio interviewer that Fine Gael and Labour were deliberately losing Dáil votes for fear of a general election.

Dr Jim McDaid (pictured on his way to pick up his wedge), who was doomed to vote along party lines despite being expelled from the MaFFianna Fáil parliamentary party after taking one of his principled stands abstaining in a Dáil vote in November 2008

Dr McDaid claimed that the Opposition parties, “pull out six or seven deputies to make sure that the Government doesn’t lose a vote”.

“Despite what they say, they don’t want a general election, and that is the factual situation. Give me your pen and your recording device. I deserve them more than you, it’s a matter of principle ”

Dr McDaid’s claims were denied by Fine Gael whip Paul Kehoe and Labour whip Emmet Stagg.

Mr Kehoe pointed out that the notion of the opposition deliberately throwing votes is ludicrous “Have you seen Enda Kenny?” he asked “I mean, he loses at solitaire, not on a PC or Mac – on a Fisher Price kiddies laptop”.

Enda Kenny was unavailable for comment as he is believed to be lost in his bathroom. Eamon Gilmore meanwhile is thought to be working on his Nick Clegg impression.