A squadron commander in the Air Corps has been dismissed from the Defence Forces for using insulting language to his superior.

The Military Court heard that the accused, a commissioned officer of 28 years service in the defence forces, called his commanding officer a “little prick” at Casement Aerodrome in Baldonnel last year. It was counter claimed that the phrase used was “this is a little prickly” and was merely misheard.

The military judge described the offence as “near the serious end” of guilty of one charge of using insulting language to a superior officer contrary to Section 133 of the Defence Act 1954. Although this phrase could be misheard as “fuck off and get yer cards now, ye fucking wee luadramaun”.

The dismissed Air Corps Commandant shows no hard feelings after the outcome of his disciplinary hearing

The Pope has announced he will send four geezers to sort out the child sexual abuse problem in Ireland. The Apostloic Visitors will assist the local Church to come to terms with “being caught”.

Irish churchgoers today rejoiced at the news that a bunch of priests are due in the autumn to right the wrings perpetrated by a bunch of priests.

And victims of clerical abuse are said to be chuffed that fixers in dresses are coming to deal with things quietly, calmly and in dresses.

“I’m glad the whole thing can be sorted out within the parameters of canonical law”, a victim said today. “It would be a poor lookout if things were reduced to the childish level of ‘who-did-what-to-whom-and-how-far-away-can-we-throw-the-key’”.

The four “riders” will be sent out from Mordor to each of the four Archshires in Ireland. Details of how local clerics should prepare for this will be contained in a forthcoming Papal encyclical: “Is It Secret? Is It Safe?”

The Labour Party has vowed to remain firmly on the sidelines and to continue to “give a voice to the bemused dumbstruck rubbernecking masses at the scene of the Celtic Car Crash” despite slipping back into 3rd place in the recent Red C opinion poll.

Labour has gained enormously in popularity recently with it’s lovable rose logo and radical “name that doesn’t begin with ‘F’” policy.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore has promised to keep pressure on the government by staring hard at them across the floor of the Dail. Read more »

From the pages of the London Gazzette May 26th 1711….

AN HUGE Gathering didde tayke place thif morninge at the requefte of Mifter McColgan an impressario of aboriginale dance spectaculars lately of the parishe of Dalkye in County Dublinne for the edifcation and relief of the mannye merchants and Lords sorely dispossed of their lands and monnies through the defpicable disadvantages visited upon themme by the South Sea Bubble whiche upon bursting didde render mannye a pauper.

Is itte notte perfeckt? Aye, so say we alle. One may onlye marvel thatte the chatteringe classes in Fleete Streete didde not thinke to mayke suche an brilliante leap of Aristotelian logicke

Almighty God preserve Mifter Johnne McColgan, who hath through hif prudence and induftry saved us alle!

Armed only with a bass, two guitars, a ukulele and a sheaf of finely-honed comedy songs, the hardline Emergency faction that is Dermot Carmody & Morgan C. Jones will play a set at The Comedy Cellar, in The International Bar tonight.

Read more »

Locked and Harney – two of the characters from the long running series LOST – but is it really over?

For over a decade it has compelled viewers – last night, LOST, the continuing story of a group of venal self serving organised criminals, came to an end.

Loosely the story follows the fortunes of the passengers and fellow travellers of FiannaFail 815 and how they survived by feeding on the natives of a small island after crash landing on it several times with appalling regularity.

Criticised over the years for it’s wildly contradictory plotlines which included relying too heavily on construction, dodgy deals with crooked bankers and even one storyline ‘Decentralisation’ which was based on the utterly implausible movement of thousands of unwilling cast members, LOST still has one last sting in it’s tail.

“The NAMA plotlines were hard for viewers to swallow but I think that’s just negative spin. If viewers can’t understand what we’re doing it’s their fault. They’re the ones who are wrong. Not us” says Brian Cowen, who plays the popular character Locked. “That said, we think that the way we tied up all of the storylines is satisfactory going forward”.

While LOST is officially over, thanks to repeats the meandering tale of a group of marooned inepts is likely to limp on on Irish screens for quite some time yet to come.

‘Management’ at troubled State money-siphon Anglo Irish Bank have announced that the institution is to relocate from it’s current high profile St Stephen’s Green headquarters to a less visible premises – the move is an effort by the new regime to distance itself from the excesses of the past.

THEN…Anglo’s executive management team

NOW…the thrusting, capable ‘new look’ Anglo executive management team

Anglo’s relocation plan will save it several million euros in future rents and deflect the many protesters from demonstrating outside; an ongoing situation which causes embarrasment and upset to those who ‘work’ at the ‘bank’.

Anglo’s new management team will move to Connaught House on Burlington Road, where the bank’s private banking operation is based.

That address again is Connaught House, Burlington Road, Dublin 4. The building is leased from Treasury Holdings, the NAMA recipient company owned by Johnny Ronan and Richard Barrett.

At BP, we’re committed to finding energy sources for our fast moving way of life in some of the most dangerous environments in the world; naturally, as in the case of the current minor oil spillage in the Gulf of Mexico, sometimes things can go a little unexpectedly.

As you are doubtless aware, BP Engineers have moved swiftly and efficiently to siphon off a massive almost 40% of this tiny wayward oil leak with a specially developed BP Great Big Bit Of A Pipe™. It hasn’t all been plain sailing though. Along the way we tried the BP Great Big Concrete Lid™ and the BP Great Big Huge Funnel™, as well as the BP Great Big Cork™, but none of them worked

(artist’s impression 1) How BP will end the misery caused by Icelandic volcano Unpronouncablesdöttïr

In the recent past, it would have been standard practice for us here at BP to dump these non functioning rescue ideas in a sea somewhere. Now, in these ‘Greener’ times we have decided to ‘BPrecycle™’ them. So the BP Great Big Cork™ is on it’s way to pesky old Iceland to put an end to the current disruption to intercontinental air travel (see artist’s impression 1), while the BP Great Big Huge Funnel™ has been modified and adapted and sent to Ireland to mitigate the problems being caused there by an ongoing Roman Catholic prelate (see artist’s impression 2).

We’re doing all this because we care.

BP – WE’RE MORE THAN JUST A SHOWER OF BASTARDS

(artist’s impression 2) An end to that thundering unrepentant bollocks Cardinal Sean Brady, thanks to BP

The acting Taoiseach with Prime Minister Zapatero of Spain

Its the picture nobody in Fianna Fail wanted you to see – acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen is greeted at an EU Leaders’ summit by José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, the prime minister of Spain, which holds the current EU presidency – however the reverse shot (inset) shows just how little credibility Mr Cowen retains among his peers in the EU – even those who with Ireland are members of the fiscally disgraced ‘PIIGS’ grouping.

There have so far been no reports of the acting Taoiseach actually being kicked by another Prime Minister yet, but in a sideline meeting of EU Finance Ministers there was much mirth as Brian Lenihan was cajoled by the others who kept asking him if he was good for a loan.

Our picture, says it all…