Minister For Arse All And Antics Mary Hanafin pictured at the reopening of the Dead Zoo – the photographer just couldn’t resist snapping this lucky shot

‘Rogue MaFFianna Fail TD Dr Jim McDaid defending his stance to reporters earlier today

Ever sensitive Dr Jim McDaid today continues to display his deft fingering of the public pulse by insisting that he will not give up his ministerial pension.

McDaid said he felt the tone of the current debate on pensions could result in a dilution of democracy as it was being driven by the media. Dilution of democracy should be a matter for the government alone apparently.

He said he accepted that the Taoiseach and ministers received a good salary but that TDs remuneration did not reflect the legislative power they had. He fears the country could be heading in a direction where only wealthy people could afford to get into politics as opposed to being a means whereby venal people may become wealthy in their own right by leeching off of the State for as much as they can get before climbing into their state subsidised car over the legal limit and veering off down the dual carriageway in the wrong direction at seventy mph swerving while trying to send a text message on a phone paid for by the taxpayer with a mouthful of pilfered canapés.

Speaking on RTÉs News at One , Dr McDaid said that TDs pensions accounted for only a miniscule amount of spending in the grand scheme of things. Or 22 or 23 grand scheme of things.

“My pension amounts to a mere €425 a fortnight” he said displaying his mindset that (a)€425 is a pittance in his world and (b) if you break numbers down correctly you can prove your point no matter how flawed your logic is.

For the record, €28 euro a day is not to be sniffed at, in the real world.

Bertie drops his pension back…until he actually retires that is

Disgraced former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has today magnanimously gifted his pension of some €83,426 per year to the State in a show of solidarity with the masses of people who are now living with the consequences of his actions.

Ahern, who famously led the MaFFianna Fail crime family to the purchase of three historic election victories, is the highest profile sitting TD who is also recipient of a pension while not yet actively retired to relinquish his lordly stipend for the good of the people.

Members from all sides of the political spectrum, apart from SInn Fein (who have never actually qualified for a pension), have been moving to distance themselves from the practice of leeching a number of salaries from the cash strapped exchequer. Several of the begrudgingly generous TDs have pointed out that the pensions that they have temporarily stopped drawing down were in practice so tiny as to make little or no difference to economy.

Strange it took them so long to give up such a pittance really…

“Are ye the lads ordered the pizzas lads?”

Rank and file gardaí want the Mullah for Justice Dermot Ahern to relax rules that ban them from taking part time paid work outside their duties.

Members of the Garda Representative Association (GRA), representing almost 12,000 gardaí in the 14,500 strong force, are also seeking the abolition of a rule that states gardaí can lose their jobs if they are unable to pay their civil debts, such as mortgages.

Ayatollah Ahern has hinted a broad “No” to the proposals, followed by a louder “No”, two “Meh”s and a “Mmmmhhhh”. He told reporters pressing him on the matter : “That would be a matter for the minister…oh wait..no…thats me…..Errr…that would be a matter for the acting Taoiseach”

The proposal to allow gardaí work part time jobs has been proposed by the association’s national executive. The move would mean gardaí would be free to supplement their Garda income with private security work, bar work or other paid activities.

“We must caution you to purchase a copy of this charitable publication”

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has defended the rights of Irish pensioners to choose whether they retain their pensions in the face of an all out attack on some of the weakest and most indefensible in our society by hard-hearted cabinet members Dermot Ahern & Mary Hanafin.

Ahern & Hanafin have both suggested that white-haired old lady Máire Geoghegan-Quinn should consider handing back her 5-figure ministerial pension which supplements her meagre stipend (also only 5 figures) from the EU Commission.

Máire Geoghegan-Quinn With Some Expensive Cats
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The Acting Minister for Ennui, Torpor & Unemployment, Batt “Bat” O’Keeffe has strongly denied allegations that the grounding of planes across Europe, including all Irish airports will halt government initiatives to ship out excess people from the economy.

“Emigration is still on target and we expect to have the veins of the economy reopened with the lifeblood flowing out of them by next weekend,” the minister enthused whilst holidaying in a lay-by this weekend.

Jimmy “The Bird” O’Toole Attempts To Emigrate Earlier Today
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A picture of the volcano known to English speaking news presenters as ‘Unpronouncablesdottir’

Mighty Jabba the Health has warned groups who advocated raising taxes to fund a system of Pan Galacticl health insurance cover that the move could stymie job creation and lead to proponents being frozen forever in carbonite.

Her comments came at a conference on financing universal healthcare in Dublin where Fine Gael, Labour and Sinn Féin advocated putting in place universal healthcare for all when they need it.

Calling for an honest debate on the issue, Mighty Jabba said “Ennolli kwann thango oh ho ho ho ho social health insurance panntraggnor eneely kwarra thakk compulsory private health insurance orrringo enna thallry”

Mighty Jabba’a protocol droid HS-E-PO further clarified the Hutt’s comments explaining “No insurance company can stay solvent if it has to meet unlimited claims with a fixed premium income from its customers. No state insurance fund will stay solvent either – I’m afraid that Captain Solo is doomed”.

The Adelaide Hospital Society, which organised the conference, had said on Tuesday that social health insurance cover for all which would include free GP care, medicines and acute hospital care and treatment, could be introduced in Ireland for the same amount of money that is currently pumped into our health system.

Mighty Jabba has decreed that the members of the Adelaide Hospital Society will be fed to the ravenous Nama as punishment for their insolence.

Rebranded Fianna Fail party members in action

Speaking at the launch of a new fund dedicated solely to women’s causes, President of Oestrogen Mrs Mary McAleese said the current economic situation was “pretty much testosterone driven”.

“We are still living with the downstream consequences of what happens when you are given a bird with two wings and you insist on flying with one,” she told guests at the symposium, completely ignoring the fact that Ireland’s economic problems have little or nothing to do with bird-flight or testosterone but a great deal to do with the party which nominated her for the presidency.

The president’s comments have sparked speculation that Fianna Fail may be about to rebrand itself as The Testosterone Party in an attempt to confuse angry voters at the next election.

Minister For Grand Theft Brian Lenihan drawing down another few hundred million from down the back of a voter

Theft Minister Brian Lenihan yesterday pledged €450 million to troubled EU member Greece yesterday, asserting that the move would make money for the Irish taxpayer – despite a careful perusal of the racing form revealing that there is no such horse as “Greece” running any single entrant flat races anywhere in the world.

Mr Lenihan dismissed angry calls to Liveline which said that a country as bankrupt as Ireland is in no position to lend anyone anything. “That is a mistruth” he said, continuing “Why only yesterday I was rummaging down the back of the taxpayers looking for the television remote control and I managed to find several billion euro that I had meant to give to Anglo to invest in our diseased good friends in the robust Quinn Group….and I found a Turkish Delight too. My brother Conor had bitten all of the milk chocolate off and put the jelly bit back in the wrapper, but that’s not important; we are where we are. We’re all in it together. If it’s a bank. Or a developer. If it’s just you and your house, you’re on your own. Lehmann Brothers did it”.

He then hissed on reassuringly for a few minutes before becoming impatient and saying “Look” a lot before insisting that the Irish taxpayer is getting a good deal from NAMA.