And it came to pass that the Nama did open the first of the bills, and I heard a voice in the midst of the front bench saying “Come and pay” – and I saw, and behold! A pale horse, and his name that sat upon him was ‘Bertie’ and Haughey followed with him
PEOPLE of IRELAND!
First we saw the reintroduction of Guinness Light. Then came the CERN Large Hadron Collider. Then NAMA. Now one of the biggest players in the State, Quinn Insurance Group, has been placed under administration by the High Court.
…seriously people…we have very little time left to riot here
On general release today! The multi multi billion euro bankbuster Nama McPhucked and The BIG BILL! A scam so epic, you, your children and your grandchildren will pay for it again and again and again!
Minister For Transport Eamon Ryan experiences a momentary pang of guilt after setting John Gormley up to attend a ‘normal everyday no risk meeting’ with members of MaFFianna Fail at their social club
Green Party leader and Minister for Smug Pronouncements on the Environment John Gormley is to attend a ‘sit down’ with soldiers from MaFFianna Fáil later on today to clear up what his spokesman called “possible deliberate mis-honesty” concerning new Green legislation.
The meeting with members of the environmental and ‘numbers’ policy group of the MaFFianna Fáil organised crime family is to take place in Leinster House at 3.30pm and any TD who has “made his bones” with “the mob” or who “is a made guy” is eligible to attend.
The leader of the MaFFianna Fáil group is Limerick West member Johnny ‘Gumballs’ Cregan. The member representing Cork South Central Mikey ‘Sing Song’ McGrath, said current Bills on dog breeding and local government planning would be on the agenda at the sit down.
He said there were “significant beefs” with the Dog Breeding Establishments Bill 2009 as its remit extended beyond so-called “puppy farms” to “poysons involved in breedin dawgs and so foyth fer huntin”
Mr ‘Sing Song’ added that there “..ain’t no single boining issue” with the Planning and Development (Amendment) Bill 2009 but MaFFianna goon for Carlow-Kilkenny Bobby “The Cheesecake” Aylward said at the weekend that the Bill implied “all of us involved in local government is gangsters or sumtin”. Mr Aylward said yesterday if he were asked to vote for the dog breeding legislation in its current form the Greens could “Fuggettaboudit”.
A spokesman for Mr Gormley said the Minister and his officials would point out that the two Bills were “very limited” in their application and that any attempt to intimidate him “..by stealing his lunch money or throwing his satchel in a tree or something would be reported”
Mikey ‘Sing Song’ said Green proposals to ban “the thing” would not be discussed at “the other thing” because “the other other thing” was not yet published. However, wiseguys Jackie ‘A Million Caps’ Healy-Rae and Michael ‘Ice House’ Lowry, both of whom support the mob, have indicated concerns.
Mr Healy-Rae said “arragh blongwin semple shtadium corra wonna blan donnn throller arrr”. He said he had “grallin arragh haroooah threnny shwellthraa” the inclusion of the stag hunting ban in the renewed programme for government until contacted by The Emergency yesterday.
Asked if he would vote against the measure, Mr ‘A Million Caps’ declined to answer but said he would discuss the matter “arrrabooovah heen Thubhlin” this afternoon at a meeting with the acting Don’s consigliere Gerry ‘Consigliere’ Steadman and Chief Whip Johnny ‘No Stripes’ Curran.
A spokesman for Mr Lowry said he was unhappy that greyhounds were included in the terms of the Dog Breeding Establishments Bill before coughing theatrically twice and indicating pictures of expensive items in the Argos catalogue that he had circled while winking with his hand out.
A leading FFlesh eating backbencher has this morning called on the acting zombie Taoiseach to resign.
Speaking on local radio station KCLR TD Johhhhhn McGuiiiinessssss said that it was time for “Briiiiaaannn Cowwwennnn to resiiiiign….time for chaaaange” Mr McGuiiiiinessss then demanded “Braaiiiinnnnns” that he might feast on.
Fianna Fail TD John McGuinness
Speculation is rife that Mr McGuiiinnesss may be in the vanguard of a backbench revolt against Cowwennn. It is suspected that the TD may be still upset after being dropped last year by the acting Taoiseach from an elite rampaging mob of insatiable brain eaters. If this is the case his being overlooked again earlier this week in the reshuffle of rampaging brain eaters will have only sharpened his resolve and his jagged teeth.
Many rank and file zombies in Fianna Fail are concerned that the acting Taoiseach’s policies and recent reshuffle may not be displaying the eating of innocent people’s brains in the most positive of lights.
Mr Cowen’s new look vibrant cabinet
Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen, the man with the shaky pair of hands, has failed to revitalise his cabinet preferring to ludicrously swap the deck around; bringing in only two new face cards, a new whip and a small number of juniors mainly as a sop to the whining failed hippies in the Green Party.
His determination to maintain the status quo is best underlined by his promotion of Clare maFFioso Tony Kileen to Defence. This is a move which keeps the portfolio in the hands of a Shannon region TD, and one which interestingly enough maintains an unofficial Miinister for Meddling With The Law.
This last ‘portfolio’ was held by former Minister for Fruit and Vegetables Trevor ‘Pureheart’ Sargent. Kileen can ably step up to this additional plate as he has form in writing letters pleading retrospective leniency for constituents who have been banged up. In Trev’s case it was a bruised nimby – Killeen, proving that Fianna Fail does everything bigger and better, has pleaded in the past for two murderers and a child rapist.
By their works shall ye know them
“Shame? We don’ need no shame. Stinkin’ shame!”
It has emerged that 70 key members of staff at Anglo Irish Heist, the nationalised bank now chaired by professional cadaver Alan Dukes, have received pay rises ahead of the injection of further billions of exchequer funds next week.
Predictably the Minister for Theft Brian Lenihan who heads the department with responsibility for the banking sector (particularly Anglo) has said that staff remuneration at the state owned bank is not a matter for his intervention. Anglo is set to publish record losses next week.
The Anglo staff in receipt of pay rises had to be paid more in case they left the zombie institution to work for other financial institutions who let’s face it must be clamouring to employ such fiscal wizards that they too may enjoy the benefits that arise from the fruit of their endeavours.
The acting Taoiseach’s old cabinet
The acting Taoiseach’s revitalized new look cabinet
Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has announced his new look cabinet. Highlights include the movement of comedy ignoramous Tainiste Swearymary Coughlan to Education and Mary Hanafin from Social Welfare to the Department of Culture and Bachbench Heave Orchestration. Despite much speculation to the contrary Eamon O’Cuiv , the ‘Teflon Gombeen’ retains a portfolio. Full analysis tomorrow
An oilskin wrapped packet containing coded notes hand written 500 years ago by the prophet Nostradamus which were discovered by a penniless Galwegian scholar last week contain quatrains predicting key aspects of Ireland’s present economic woes including Anglo Irish Bank’s role, former Taoisigh and other warnings of an impending apocalypse – the claim follows detailed analysis of the documents by the man “who watches Time Team a lot”
“The signs are all there that the end of days is upon us” says unemployed Nostradamus interpreter Professor Ryan Bigot formerly Dean of Advanced Whinging at UCG. Professor Bigot insists that an asteroid or “Feckin’ huge lump of a rock” is heading for north eastern Europe. “The subsequent impact will destroy everything in Ireland causing massive insurance claims that’ll ruin the sums over NAMA and leave the three surviving Irish people on the planet crippled with repayments” he explains. Professor Bigot also hints that the asteroid will threaten much of the European continent and Frank Fahey’s property portfolio.
“The feckin Brits will survive though” says Professor Bigot foaming lightly at the mouth “..by detonating their radiation shield in Sellafield at the precise moment of impact causing the thing to explode over Waterford and make Ireland take all of the brunt meant for England as well the bastards”.
Artist’s impression of Ireland’s next problem
KEY
1 NAMA properties
2 owned by Frank Fahey TD
3 Soveriegn territory who’s emissaries are exempt from prosecution under Irish law
4 Feckin’ huge lump of a rock
Asked by reporters yesterday what the signs were, Professor Bigot pointed at the reappearance of Guinness Light and massive queues outside the passport office on Molesworth Street. He also published a Nostradamus quatrain which he says predicted the role of key players in the crash including former Taoiseach and loveable spiv Bertie Ahern:
“And there will be in the north of the Norseman’s settlement…
A man who is a bollox. Mangler of speech
A taker of dig-outs…
I’d watch him, if I were you
Aye, and his mate McCreevy”
Another predicts Anglo:
“A son of the land of Patric [sic]
His name shall be similar
Curly grey hair and the morals of a rat
A moneylender with deep pockets
Nothing in them but his hands
But sure, they’re all at it”
A third predicts the end of days
Black piss will be on sale again…
The foul mouthed idiot assistant to the acting chief
Will be put in charge of the teachers…
Fuck me, Coughlan in education?
I ask you…?
The documents are available to view in Neary’s of Suffok Street by arrangement with Professor Bigot for a fee of three pints.
Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick preparing to jump to hyperspace
Former Anglo Irish Bank chairman Seán FitzPatrick, who was released from Garda custody yesterday after almost twenty four whole hours of questioning, is taking measures to protect himself from his personal creditors, The Emergency has learned.
The most significant mechanism available to Mr FitzPatrick to shield himself from creditors is his use of some of the millions of euros of misappropriated money he loaned himself while CEO of Anglo to purchase a Tardis or other such time machine which will allow him to travel back in time to lend significant amounts of money to politicians and other bankers thus ensuring his immunity in our time as he will then know where all the bodies are buried – a rarely used protective measure under bankruptcy law.
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