Michael O’Leary, the world’s least likeable man and Tainiste Mary Coughlan, possessor of the world’s smallest ‘functioning’ brain are coming together today in a Guinness World Record attempt to gather the most world record holders in one place for the shortest recorded time. The pair are also hoping to take the blue ribbon for Loudest Argument; Most Profane Language; and Least Appealling Male/Female Combination.

The multiple attempt follows hot on the heels of two other recent high profile records going to Dublin city with last week’s successful bid to have the World’s Largest Bong on Capel St; and the lowering of speed limits which facilitated turning the quays into the World’s Longest Ever Continuous Funeral Cortège.

More records are in the pipeline for Ireland with happy citizens in the running for Worst Served By Government, Greatest Number Of Perjurers In Government, Most Inebriated Leaders and Least Functioning Democracy and Most Pathetic Opposition.

A still from a security camera recorded late last week which is believed to be the last sighting of Former TD for Dublin South George Lee

Gardai have this afternoon called off a widespread search for former Fine Gael TD George Lee who disappeared up his own arse last week.

“We can only reassure the public that he won’t be on every single radio and tv current affairs show today” said Garda Pressoffice the Garda spokesman.

Jackie Healy Rae and cap in happier times

The trademark cap worn by Kerry independent TD Jackie Healy Rae has dramatically thrown itself out of the ring this evening.

Its the news many in Leinster House were expecting – following hot on the heels of the resignations of high profile politicians George Lee from Fine Gael and Deirdre de Burca from the Green Party, the coalition has been rocked by a last minute letter from Jackie Healy Rae’s cap stating its immediate resignation from the colourful Kerry TD’s head.

In its resignation statement, the distinctive plaid cap cites “long running lack of confidence in hairstyle” and “an unwillingness to continue masking a ridiculous comb-over” as reasons behind its decision. The cap, which has campaigned with Healy Rae from his earliest days on the hustings as a run of the mill Fianna Fail goon, will be sadly missed by many TDs on all sides of the Dail who find the full sight of Mr Healy Rae repugnant.

The Kerry TD, who like many others in Leinster House has spent the week trying to work out how best to continue screwing taxpayers through the newly announced expenses regime, issued a statement to reporters on the plinth just after 5pm this evening. “Arragh pannaarraoooaa gerly nattin upattalll derra wanna boot” he said with obvious emotion in what scientists have loosely described as his ‘voice’.

Speaking through a combination of signs and an interpreter, Mr Healy Rae was quick to reassure his constituents that he would continue in his low level corruption, gombeenism and support for acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s ‘government’ without any noticable drop in output. This he hoped to achieve with the aid of his new best friend, Squiggles, a gogo hamster which is now covering his trademark brylcreemed ‘hair’.

Mr Healy Rae and ‘Squiggles’ speaking to reporters earlier this evening

You fucking slag.

signed,
John
Eamon
Sleepy
Sneezy
Bashful
Happy
Niall
Doc

February 2010 Too Little Too Late

Dear Johb,

I am writhing to inform you of my intented to resign from the Green Panty Parliamentary Pony and from Bus Eireann with immediate effect.

It is with great sadness that I tendle my resignation, having swerved as an erected member of the Groan Party for eighty years on Wickly Countil Cashcow and for a further two and a half years as a member of Senile Eireann. During that time I have wonked faithfully on behalf of the pony to try to advance its political ajenda in order to put this cunty on a more sustainable pass.

I regret to say that I can no longer supply the Green Porny in government, as I believe that we have gradually abandaid our political value and our inferior and in many respects have become no more than an extension of the Fianna Fool panty. I have had a number of conversations with you as Pony Larder over many moths now about my growing discomfort fabric conditioner with the decisions that the Grebe Paltry has been supporting in governance. You have been very aware of my frustration with the fart that despise the Green Party whoring the balance of powell in this government for some tile now, our willingness to try to exorcise that influence appears to grow lez with every passing weak.

As a panty, we seem to have been paralysed by the electorate’s rejection of many of our handidates (including Iself) in the local and Eurosaver erections last Jude. Any suggestion that we challenge Fintan Fail, or face it down over important shoes, seems to bring up a great feat in us that we will have to leave government. In fact preying in government appears to have become an end in itself cow for the Greif Partay. While I was always awhale that our political inexperience as a poontang would leave us vulnerable to being manipulated by Fine Fail in government, what I hadn’t predicted was the strong attachment to orifice that appeals to have developed since we became part of governor.

It is with regress also that I must also inform you that I have lost confidence trick in you as Pantry Ladle. The Parliamentary Party has had almost daily meetings now since well before Chrisdeburgh at which we have discussed the very role problems we are experiencing in getting Fianna Fail to co-op with us in implementing policy inferiors that were agreed as part of the original, and the reviled 30 degree Programme for Government.

I don’t take this decider to tender my resignation sprightly. I am very dear however that I do not want to be part of what the Greed Party is continuing to support in Government. Anyway, it’s tile for me to take the monet and rub.

Deirdre De Berka (ms)

There’s a new joke running around Athens:
“Whats the difference between Ireland and Greece?
- δέλτα and six months…”

Enter The Government’s fabulous GREEK EU BAILOUT COMPETITION!Spot The Difference/Similarities And Win Your Mortgage Quadrupled For The Rest Of Your (foreshortened) Natural Life!

The Central Bank Dublin

The Central Bank Athens

Fine Gael ‘Leader’ Enda Kenny pictured outside Leinster House today…..

It is looking increasingly likely that Enda Kenny’s only chance of taking the title Taoiseach is if he guest stars in a sketch with The Emergency.

With this in mind The Emergency wishes to offer Mr Kenny a ‘front bench’ position – we need someone to drive the van after gigs

Former TD for Dublin South George Lee with reporters outside the Dáil following his surprise resignation earlier today

It has emerged that Fine Gael ‘Leader’ Enda Theline noticed celebrity TD George Lee’s imminent departure from the party too late to draw him back into the Blueshirt fold.

“He promised me half of his pocket money and said he would make my bed for six months if I stayed” Mr Lee told reporters, before losing his rag with them for not taking his input on how the news report they were making on him could be improved.

Mr Lee, who joined politics to “make a difference”, did – normally Irish politicians are too cagey to make a big cry baby arse of themselves and resign so publicly. Lets all hope it is a trend that catches on in Leinster House.

RTÉ News has confirmed that its Fine Gael Correspondent, George Lee, is set to leave his position and return to Ireland, possibly to sniff around a newly vacated posting in the United States.

Lee took up the position just over nine months ago when the previous holder of the post, Fianna Fail’s Dundrum correspondent Seamus Brennan, finished his lifetime stint in the role.

Lee has featured on television screens little for the past nine months despite his involvement in the reality show Jesus! Enda? No Way!, which follows the madcap adventures of a popular clown.