The Emergency has obtained possession of a torn document contained in a bloodstained envelope and passed onto our reporter by a harried man in a lumpy overcoat who would only identify himself as “Big Dan”.

The document appears to be genuine to our experts^1. and shows a detailed diagrammatic representation of the plans to shuffle the cabinet pack as the country steams towards recovery.

The Taoiseach’s office refused to comment in detail on the leaked document when contacted by The Emergency, but a spokesghoul for the Taoiseach did say that he could confirm that the position of the “Recovery” on the map in our possession did tally with the current thinking in government. “The great thing about iceber… ehrn, I mean “recoveries” is that nine tenths of them are underwater, which means things are even better than the document in your possession implies, right?”, the spokesghoul added.

Meanwhile Green Party members of the cabinet (or magic wring as it is believed to be about to be re-titled) have said they are confident of keeping the same number or larger of Green ministers (or “Ring Wraiths” as they are now to be known throughout Merrion Square (provisionally retitled “Mordor”)).

1.: Not actual experts.

Eight Days After: Disgraced MaFFia TD Wilie O’Dea daydreaming of his glory days

”Its OK Trevor, I’ll look after you” Senator Dan ‘Tweetybird’ Boyle reassures the fitfully amnesiac former minister for fruit and veg Trevor Sargent that the worst has come and gone

A ‘Government reshuffle’ is expected in the next few weeks along with major changes in the amount of larceny in key Government departments.

Speculation about an impending election has been sparked by the recent lurches from one crisis to another which have lately loomed over the alleged government of acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

Still clinging onto power like a wino to a brown paper bag of Buckfast, the acting Taoiseach yesterday refused to set a time limit for replacing Willie O’Dea as minister for defence.

“There is no requirement for me to put a time limit on the nomination,” Mr Cowen told Labour Party leader, Eamon Gilmore in the Dáil, adding that he will continue to act defensively, with a tone of arrogance, all the while looking like a besieged addled oaf for the present. Read more »

Trevor Sargent the Minister of State for Food and Horticulture who has been implicated in the latest scandal to beset ‘The Coalition’ an organised crime gang operating from a well known Dublin city premises called Leinster House, posing with the message he was sent earlier today by his colleagues in MaFFianna Fail

Mr Sargent is expected to give a statement to the press later today on his intervention with the Gardai on behalf of a constituent to quash a criminal investigation. The constituent later went on to be charged with threatening and abusive behaviour and fined €500

As a result of media interest and owing to the nature if the minister involved, there will be a huge turnip at the press conference.

Mr Sargent will be remembered as a politician of standards, who pledged to voters ahead of the 2007 general election that he would not lead the Green Party into coalition with Fianna Fail. Having secured votes on the back of this, he resigned the post of ‘leader’ allowing John Gormley to lead the Green Party into coalition with Fianna Fail. Sneaky, huh?

A Reading From The Book of Slow News Day 21

1 And when they drew nigh unto Tipperary, and were come to Borrisokane, just past the chipper, then sent Glee two disciples, 2 Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an welcoming comm-it-tee, and a delegation from the ICA: loose them, and bring them unto me.3 And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Glee hath need of them; and straightway he will send them. 4 All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying,
5 Tell ye the daughters of Tipp, Behold, thy Economist cometh unto thee, meek, and having an cup of tea and some lovely home baked Swiss Roll with the comm-it-tee wrought by the ICA, specifically Una, who doth most of the baking.

6 And the disciples went, and did as Glee commanded them, 7 And brought the comm-it-tee, and the ICA, and put on them their ‘meeting the fella from the telly’ clothes, and they set upon him thereon. 8 And a very great multitude spread their arms in the way; others cut down branches from the trees, and strawed them in the way.

9 And the multitudes that went before, and that followed, cried, saying, Hosanna to the son of Montrose: Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Glee; Hosanna in the highest.

10 And when he was come into Borrisokane, Read more »

Members of The Emergency team, Dermot Carmody & Morgan C Jones are among those appearing at a Haiti Fund-raiser, “Pour l’amour d’Haiti “organised by Ranelagh Arts Festival in McSorely’s, Ranelagh on Monday Feb 22nd. Read more »

Mr O’Dea’s letter

Office of de Minister for Sending Lads to Chad
Oifig an Aire do sheoladh lads go Sead
Department fo Defence
An Roinn Cosanta

18th February 2010

Acting Taoiseach
Mr Brian Cowen T.D.
Department of the Taoiseach
Government Buildings
Upr Merrion Street
Dublin 2

A Thaoisigh ag gníomhú dóibh,

Well, dis is it Brian, we put up a good run of it, but it looks like de bastards have me, and so in accordance wid de Article 28.9.2, of de Constitutin like, I wish to formally tender my resignation as de Minister for Sendin Lads to Chad wid effect from today.

I done my best Brian, jaysis you know dat – dere isn’t another member of de party anywhere in de country dat has done as much as me to maintain my own as well as de party line. All dis I did in de belief dat I was acting honourably (just thought I’d give you a little laugh dere by throwing dat in like). I don’t have to tell you dat I will go to my grave stonewalling on dat interview and feckin affidavit dat caused de bother; I’ve learned my lesson and no mistake. In de future I plan to shoot any journalist dat approaches me. Anyway, I’ll step aside – but as long as de pension and salary is alright, we’s alright, do ye know what I’m saying like? Grand so lads.

I’m probably going too far in saying dis, but ye might want to warn dat streak of piss Gormley and his fat fucking pal de Bowsie Boyle to check their bicycles carefully before dey tink of pedalling off to de recycling centre – I still have contacts in Moyross. Dats all I’m saying is all

Yours widout any sense of shame whatever,

WILLIE O’DEA T.D.
Minister for Sending Lads to Chad
pee ess: tell Eamon his bike is safe, sure isn’t he like one of our own!

pee pee ess: see you in de bar

Social networking phenomenon Twitter said last night it has ‘no confidence’ in Green Party chairman Dan Boyle, despite the motion of confidence in the Minister for Defense passed by the Dail yesterday evening with the support of Green Party TDs.

The social networking site used itself to convey the view and said the Cork Senator’s position “is compromised”.

Twitter said:

“As regards to Senator Boyle I don’t have confidence in him. His situation is compromised. Probably be a few chapters in this story yet LOL ROFLMAO FTW?!!.”

Twitter said it was unhappy at what transpired yesterday in the Dáil. “Not happy with what happened today. Believe Greens (sic) are arseholes. Pls RT.”

The decision to hold the motion in the Dáil yesterday afternoon came after the Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny screamed out his intention earlier this week to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister, to be taken in Opposition time next week.

Willie O’Dea explaining his honest mistake to the Dail yesterday

Opening the motion yesterday afternoon, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen defended Mr O’Dea, saying that he “had made a genuine mistake”. The Taoiseach was critical of the Opposition’s intention to table a motion of no confidence in the Minister for Defence, who Mr Cowen descrtibed as the “…best Minister for Defence in recent times. Describing him as “the best Minister for Defence in recent times” suggests that there is no criteria other than whether or not a defense minister can be judged solely on the basis of having actively prevented any invasions lately. It also makes one wonder who was the worst Minister for Defence given our uninvaded status since 1922.

“I’ve heard people on the Opposition benches trying to propagate the myth that the Minister is in breach of the Cabinet code of conduct,” Mr Cowen blustered petulantly, “ but this is once again a case of political discourse from the Opposition benches generating more heat than light. In any case, we have no code, no honour, nada, zip, fuck all”

The Government won the motion of confidence in Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea yesterday evening by 80 votes in favour and 69 against. That’s 80 people. Surely there must be at least 800 people out there willing to attempt a citizen’s arrest on the charge of aiding and abetting a criminal after the fact?

A concerned citizen…

Minister for the Indefensible Willie O’Dea photographed with an unidentified female visitor to Ireland “I asked her, even though I knew I shouldn’t, if she was still working in de brottell like lads ye know?”