Friends in high places?Our picture shows one way to reach ‘Planet Bertie’

‘Planet Bertie’ long believed to be a tale told by the wee fairy folk like the mythical land of Tir Na Nóg has been located by Jamaican scientists. The bonged out boffins report that it is the only place in our galaxy where property prices have started to recover, where peace and prosperity reign, and where Nama is a brilliant and honest idea.

Ja’ Man “Screwy” Bongo, the lead astrophysicist on the research programme told The Emergency that “…she a pretty pretty spot full of sharp suits and brown bags full of currency only one afternoon’s Camberwell Carrot ride away from this sorry place….try it. It’ll help a whole heap man”

Meanwhile formal complaints have been made to the Gardai about rowdy and noisy behaviour by arty types and writers.

It has emerged that the authors of some works of modern classic Irish literature may have engaged in reckless behaviour such as lying through their hoop to advance a dangerously unequal society and forcing tears to influence the electorate prior to elections and referenda. Lousy beatniks…..

Minister for Arse-All and Antics, Martin Cullen, just awake after his little sleepy bye bye

The Minister for Arse-All and Antics, Martin Cullen, has moved to clarify his widely reported statement that he chose his words carefully to describe his treatment at the hands of the media as akin to “waking up every morning and being raped”.

Today, Mr Cullen said that he had “…misspoke” and that he had meant to say that “My treatment by the media at that time was like waking up every morning and being governed by Fianna Fail.”

“Obviously I regret nothing and will continue looking indignantly into the middle distance as if I’m doing something far more important than trying to remember all of the words to the Safe Cross Code song” he concluded, before slipping off into a little nap.

This is the day on which a shortage of brown shoes reaches crisis proportions in many parts of Ireland. In Limerick schoolchildren are forced to go to school wearing badgers. Elsewhere individual County Councils cope as best they can.

Some order the painting of schoolchildren’s feet with brown kreosote while one County Council brings in emergency bye-laws requiring inhabitants of Louth to run everywhere in order to make the absence of brown shoes a bit more difficult to notice.

It will be several days before relief arrives in the form of an emergency shipment of uncomfortable slip-ons from Poland.

The great Irish Shakespearean actor Diarmuid Ó’Tooby dies on stage during a production of Hamlet in a tent in Killarney. Ó’Tooby had been the first Irishman to play Othello in a controversial production of Twelfth Night. Colleagues and family remark that the manner of his end is “Exactly how he would have wanted it except for the bit where he was stabbed to death in front of an audience of twelve people and a weasel”.

Thaddeus Ó’Siúcra invents the worlds first computing device. It fills a barn and is constructed almost entirely from abacuses and marla (malleable modelling clay used by small children). Data is input by moving the beads and counting as you go and results are read by remembering what you input. On this day in 1933 Ó’Siúcra correctly calculates the potential market for his machine to be 1 using the machine itself. (The result has an accuracy of +/-1).

EXCLUSIVE by our Crime Correspondent Paul Mediawhore

It was a crime that ROCKED leafy south county Dublin to ITS KNEES – now, EXCLUSIVELY in this week’s SUNDAY GHOUL we can reveal the identity of the file thief – dubbed ‘THE DEFILER’ by some SENIOR GARDAI

Our picture shows the FACE of the THIEVING SCUMBAG who TOOK FILES BELONGING to his FORMER EMPLOYER on OR AROUND Christmas 2009 shortly before leaving to take up a position with A RIVAL ‘NEWSPAPER’ where it is believed he will be MAKING UP NAMES more suited to a Marvel comic villain for Dublin GANGLAND FIGURES and then ATTRIBUTING THEM to the Gardai.

Where will it end? Who knows? Is that 400 words yet? I’m off to the pub

The ‘Defiler’

Minister for Arse-All and Antics, Martin Cullen, exhausted from all the media attention, pictured demanding a privacy law this morning

The Minister for Arse-All and Antics, Martin Cullen, has said he chose his words carefully when he spoke yesterday on his treatment by the media comparing it to “waking up every morning and being raped”.

Minister Cullen used a speaking engagement at a seminar on defamation to misappropriate and undermine the suffering of actual victims of rape.

Today, Mr Cullen said that he had spoken in the proper forum yesterday to “convey what he had to say to a very legalistic audience”, and everything he said “should be seen in that broad context”.

Speaking to reporters outside his Wexford home, Mr Cullen voiced his long held belief that there should be a privacy law. This should be balanced against a more widely long held belief that a law should be introduced/upheld to properly investigate and punish self serving political scumbuzzards not unlike members of Mr Cullen’s own party and their lobbyists and supporters. Perhaps we should promise him his if we get ours?

Figures released today in a new Emergency/MADEUP poll on the ethical make up of the Irish reveal that 22% of the population are complete self serving bastards – an increase of 2% on the the last Emergency/MADEUP poll taken last September. 32% of the Irish are “Still a bit bastardy”, an increase of 1%, although the majority of these 32% responded to our question about Enda Kenny by asking “Who now?”. 24% of the population are “Middle Class” and most of these live “Near Dalkey”.

There are slightly fewer “clinically spineless bastards” (down 1%), and now only 8% “utterly deluded” (down 1%). The remaining 11% of the population are divided between “Extremely Self Serving Bastards” and “Sectionally Nice”.

(SOURCE Emergency/MADEUP poll 22.01.2010)

With the potato crop ruined and the population of Ireland suffering terribly for its reluctance to cook and eat pasta, there is a growing black market in potatoes. John Fitzgerald of Youghal becomes the notorious Potato Baron when on this day he successfully imports and sells three thousand individual potatoes to the same number of families. Only when they arrive to meet the potato boat from France do they realise that he has sold them all the same potato. The incident is a black day in Irish history but nonetheless forms the basis for Irish government policy on social welfare in the 1970s and 80s.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen pictured yesterday reassuring the Dáil that he bore no responsibility for the death of the Irish economy

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen told the Minister for Theft that “the economy banged it’s head against a rock during a row they had over his not putting out the rubbish”. The claim was made during the debate about the Opaque Inquiry into the banking crisis.

Brian Lenihan (50) was speaking on the 2nd day of the government’s alleged full debate on the proposed investigation into the death of the Irish economy on September 8th, 2008.

Mr Cowen, an amateur politician and part time lounge singer, has pleaded not guilty to contributing to poisoning the country’s finances while the electorate were at work. Read more »