There’s a feast of festive viewing coming your way this Xmas, and the bumper two week edition of The Emergency TV Guide is there to help you plan your yuletide telly schedule

Morecuts & Unwise Christmas Special(Christmas Day RTE1)

Biggest hitter for Xmas day viewing has got to be the Morecuts & Unwise Christmas Special – packed with more wheezes than an A&E waiting room, you’ll be rolling on the floor at their new “This Is The Only Show In Town” routine – Brian will be taunting Brian over his ‘short, fat, hairy leadership’, and of course the boys will delight audiences with their trademark running away slapping the back of their necks while singing “Bring Me Revenue” finale (Christmas Day RTE1) Read more »

A supermarket chain has withdrawn a Christmas card and apologised to traumatised people with red hair following complaints from a mother. The card (pictured below) depicts a Conor Lenihan sitting on a Santa’s knee and bears the legend “Santa Loves All Children… Even Conor”.

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A mobile phone image of the attack on Environment Minister John Gormless in the Danish capital this morning.

Green Party leader and Minister for the Environment John Gormley was attacked by a delegation of angry polar bears at the Copenhagen Climate Summit earlier today; Mr Gormley was pushed to the ground and kicked by the massive angry mammals as he tried to gain entry to the building hosting today’s scheduled meetings.
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Minister Martin Cullen pictured at a recent Fianna Fail event proudly displaying his new iPhone “I beat them down to €7000 and made them throw in the case!”

A plan to move the Abbey Theatre to the GPO would cost about half of what moving to the docklands would have done, and will have the effect of rejuvenating O’Connell Street – a sound, money saving proposition, until you realise that there is a caveat: the pronouncement comes from the Minister for Arse All and Antics Martin Cullen.

Shrewd negotiator Martin Cullen was celebrating his recent purchase of a packet of Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles for €87,000 with an espresso from Cafe Sól “I got it for €580! With a free biscotti!”. Minister Cullen said he planned to take a decision on whether to move the Abbey Theatre to O’Connell Street soon, and estimates that relocating it in time for 2016 would cost €80 to €90 million, much less than the €170 million expected cost of relocation to George’s Dock. The proposed docklands move has been frozen due to the recession which suddenly and unexpectedly fell to earth with no warning last year. Read more »

Controversial Green Party tit Paul Gogarty this afternoon caused consternation at Dáil Eireann when he launched a tirade against Labour TD Emmet Stagg in an otherwise near empty chamber.

“Fuck you Deputy Stagg, fuck you. You’re dead! Hear me? Dead! And I’m going to throw your bag into a tree and hide your gym kit” the emotional member if the ‘government’ announced during the rushed and pathetically attended debate on social welfare cuts announced by Attilla the Finance Minister yesterday.

Deputy Gogarty later went on to apologise, telling the house “No, but yeah, but, no, but , yeah, but no. it was all Mary Hanafin’s fault, everyone knows that she’s a slag and I have pictures of her on my phone giving Jesus a blowjob”

Paul Gogarty TD

The Lenihan Who Stole Christmas
by Dr. Useless
“Every victim
Down in Dumps-ville
Liked Christmas a lot…
But the Lenihan,
Who was Minister for Finance,
Did NOT!
The Lenihan hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his beliefs were shite
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he ate, slept and drank Fianna Fail…. “

Now for the first time in print, a classic from Dr Useless. Your children will cower in fear at the story of the heartless elitist right wing Lenihan who uses his disgusting sums to steal Xmas from the children and townsfolk of Dumps-ville, only to regift it to his evil chums.

Not suitable for children. Or adults. Or humans. Price €4billion