To celebrate the fact that with the advent of a new year we at The Emergeny now have a “last year” and therefore a deepened sense of our place in history, we have decided to share on a daily basis some historical facts about Irish people, places and events. This will give us all a better idea of who we are, where we have come from, and where we are going.

The feature begins on January 1st 2010 and runs daily.

Warning: May not be real history. May not give us all a better idea of who we are, where we have come from or where we are going. Careless talk costs lives

The names of the nine board members of NYMA (Not Your Money Anymore) have been announced by Minister for Theft Brian Lenihan.

They are Mr Albert Capone, Ms Bonnie Andclyde, The Mekon, Pestilence, Plague, War, Famine, and Professor Moriarity. Former Revenue chairman Frank Daly will be chairman, and will step down from his current position as a public interest director at Anglo Irish Bank. That last part is worth repeating one word at a time. His. Current. Position. As. A. Public. Interest. Director. At. Anglo. Irish. Bank.

Q, who is currently working do destroy The Enterprise and the galaxy, will be appointed to the board next May when he retires from the Q Continuum.

The Minister said more than 800 applications were received from people wanting to be board members, but since the majority of these were people entirely unconnected with gang raping the state, they were disregarded out of hand.

Shady gangland figure ‘The Minister’ strikes again

The Guinness Brewery – now like the economy up in smoke

A major fire at a Fianna Fail piss-up organised by Brian Cowen, Brian Lenihan, Mary Coughlan and other ‘Top Brass’ at the Guinness plant in St James’s Gate plant in Dublin city centre has been contained by fire crews.
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As a thank you and a Merry Xmas to our friends, supporters, hangers-on and especially to our enemies, without whom none of this would be possible, we’ve decided to make available free to download “A TDs’ Christmas Song”, the festive track from our current CD release “Use Democracy Sensibly”.

Please download, listen and enjoy in your bonus-free hovel while our masters whoop it up over the Holiday period.

 

 A TD's Christmas Song [3:42m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Words & Music © 2009 Carmody & Jones
Vocals: Karen Ardiff
Guitars: Morgan C Jones
Bells: Dermot Carmody
Backing track recorded by Dylan Jones
Vocals recorded @ Mutiny Studios

Get Your Use Democracy Sensibly CD Now

If you’d like to own the entire CD, you can now order Use Democracy Sensible from us here!

A small number of lucky people who won a lottery for the privilege this morning witnessed the rare sight of a small beam of sunlight entering the inner chamber of Fianna Fail Party HQ.

The chamber contains relics of Ireland’s past such as Eamon de Valera’s hat, Charlie Haughey’s twenty thousand French shirts, Bertie Ahern’s anorak, Hope, Charity, coherency and your money. It is immersed in Stygian gloom for most of the year. On the morning of the winter solstice, however, the sun rises and shines through a broken roof tile, a single beam hitting the west wall of the chamber and illuminating the spine of an unopened 1926 edition of “How To Run A Country For The Common Good”.

It is believed the chamber was designed as a room where the sharpest political think tanks in the party could meet, discuss, research and carefully plan for the future.

The room has never been used.

Celebrate the season of good cheer with this ‘exclusive’ free image of the Most Holy Nativity from The Emergency. Hand painted on finest Korean elk vellum by award winning artist Lief Randstonsenn then photgraphed with a Kodak disposable camera before being scanned by Santa’s helpers into a Dell PC, this tasteful representation of the Christmas family utilises the latest in advanced Sino-Indian Emergency bmp. jpeg mp3 ™© technology to allow you to literally ‘cut’* a piece off your computer’s televisor and ‘paste’** it into an Emergency electronic mail™© to bring joy to your loved ones – OR! use ***Emergency videotronic staples™© to enplace this lovely Christmas image as wallpaperings on your pc or mac televitron

*Emergency Electro Glue™© not included
**Fictional product MAY NOT EXIST
*** CAUTION IN USE. MAY IMPLY SATANISM

The annual appeal to promote awareness that a pet is “not just for Christmas” has been launched by the ESPCA (Emergency Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). According to ESPCA volunteers while the Christmas season may bring joy and hope to many, it also often means the conclusion of a short unpleasant life for many kittens, puppies, birds and rodents who will ultimately become sustenance for Dail pensioners.

“Many people find it hard to believe, but they’re all at it” said an ESPCA spokescrusty at this morning’s launch of the advertising campaign. “Its true though” he continued after an unusually long pull on a hand rolled cigarette; “Once they get used to living off others they can’t help themselves man – it starts small; they get a few ‘K’ in pension and start eating insects, then pretty soon work their way up to larger game. Its inevitable”.

One of the eye-catching new ESPCA posters attempting to cut off one source of nourishment for Oireachtais pension holders.

We’re in the money; we’re in the money; we got a lot of what it takes to get along

GDP grew slightly during the third quarter meaning the country is “technically out of recession” but the Central Statistics Office (CSO) has urged caution on calling an end to the economic crisis, pointing out that Ireland is “technically a functioning democracy” and that Brian Cowen is “technically in charge”

Finance Minister Brian Lenihan pictured during yesterday’s operation

Minister for Theft Brian Lenihan undrewent scheduled surgery yesterday – doctors battled for hours but could not find any trace of humanity or compassion in the senior Fianna Fail minister.

“This isn’t unusual” said the lead surgeon on the case, who asked not to be identified as he fears reprisals from people for letting the Finance Minister live through the procedure.

His Holiness the Pope photographed ‘tripping off his tits’ at Castel Gondolfo earlier this month

An elderly German bigot who would have you believe that his omnipotent imaginary friend created the world from nothingness some 6000 to 600,000 years ago, yesterday called for urgent action to protect the environment, saying that climate change and natural catastrophes threaten basic human rights such as life, food and health. Read more »