Deputy Jim McDaid pictured earlier today

Deputy Jim McDaid has written to acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen to inform him that he has withdrawn his support from the ‘Government’.

This further reduces Brian Cowen’s already tiny majority and comes just before what is forecast to be the Mother of all Budgets, which is expected to take a ‘crack of doom’ approach to the nation’s finances.

McDaid has been calling for an early election and he has now written to the government chief whip to say he might be going against the government in future dail votes.

“I feel compelled to inform you that my hugely developed self preservation gene has kicked in and I have withdrawn my support from Fianna Fail. It wasn’t me. I never took part in any poor Fianna Fail decisions. Bigger boys made me do it. It was the political climate of the time” McDaid says in the letter, which The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk says it has seen.

“My views on a general election are well known,” he said. “I believe it would be in the interest of Fianna Fail and by extension in the interest of me.”

An identikit photo of the man Gardai suspect of working “night and day” to bring down former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern

Gardai have released an identikit photo of the chief suspect in the alleged conspiracy to besmirch and discredit former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern. In an interview, which is to be broadcast on TV3 this week and which was reported in yesterday’s Dalkey Times, Mr Ahern says an unnamed political colleague had worked “night and day” to bring him down.

“Dere was one person working night and day to screw me up and I tink I know why and I tink I know how. Maybe, along de way, dey got tings wrong, and maybe dey had to be punished a bit for dat, and maybe dey set about den trying to screw up…me”.

“I know who de person is. But libel laws are dangerous and if you can’t prove it, you can’t say it. But you can still know it” the former taoiseach said.

In a different interview, Bertie Ahern upgraded his aspirations for critics of Government policy from suicide to gardening, saying that those who blame the Government for the economic crisis should “…dig the garden or grow bluebells or do something useful”.

In the interview, Mr Ahern attacked “..psychics and knockers, people who always see the class as, as, as, as half empty. I can’t understand people who are always bitching, saying ‘It’s de, de, de, de Government’s fault, it’s de, de, de doctor’s fault, it’s de cat’s fault.’ It’s everybody’s fault except eh eh eh deir own.”

When asked to apologise for the prominent role he played in laying the groundwork for Ireland’s catastrophic economic collapse, Mr Ahern was quick to correct this common misapprehension; “Eh no, no, no, no yes, no, no….dat was de eh, de, de ,de ,de ehhh, de cat’s fault….he eh, he, eh, he, he, he, he should never have been left in charge of de eh world economy..dats clear enough now in de, eh, eh, eh longshot, but ehm we are where we are unfortunately” .

Interviewed in the latest edition of celebrity packed CRAP magazine, the former head of the Fianna Fail crime family is scathing of critics of the Government: “I don’t know why dey wouldn’t go out and ignore de Government or hibernate widout pay for a fortnight to alleviate de pressure on de, de, de eh, economy or do something useful! I like doers – people who paint their house, bake, work, whatever it takes to ehhhh…distract dem” he said.

He said that since he resigned as Don last year, “life is not as controlled as it was. I’m busy doing different tings, different people, some quite important, but it’s just not de same. If I want to go to a match, I go to a match; if I want to see some friends tomorrow night for a dig out, I can do that, so it’s a big chunk of change.”

Asked whether he was happier now, he said: “Yes, definitely, but dere are times I miss it. I was heartbroken dat dere was no way of letting me fly at taxpayers expense to Washington for Teddy Kennedy’s funeral but” here, Mr Ahern paused only to stick a fork in his upper thigh and draw a tear before continuing “…dese are de tragic breaks….I done nutting wrong….to nobody…ever”

Commenting on the economic difficulties facing his successor, he said: “Brian has had it rough because of de, ehhhh, de, de, de, ehm, cat. The big trick for him is how we can get out of it quickly.”

STOP PRESS….STOP PRESS…..STOP PRESS…. Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has been diagnosed with suspected Gollum Syndrome. Doctors at an exclusive Swiss clinic have confirmed that Mr Ahern will have to be kept away from……..(MORE INFORMATION)

Have-a-Go crim “Bertie”

Residents in the north Dublin suburb of Drumcondra have been warned to exercise extra vigilence of their belongings following recent sightings of cheeky local ‘have-a-go’ con man Bertie Ahern – this time in far off Dubai.

An internet video of the loveable crim has surfaced showing him using his trademark mangled english to extoll the sturdiness of Dubai’s economy – barely a week later, that economy was revealed to be in ruins – believed to have disappeared into Bertie’s magical carpetbag.

Organisers of the event to promote Dubai on the world stage, local residents Sheikh Nik El Eeson and Leh Man al Bruthers broke down when they told The Emergency’s Breaking News Desk of their losses. “We all expected a few items to go missing from his hotel suite” Sheikh El Eeson said; “Soaps, showercaps, television sets, bedspreads – all of these we are used to, but this…this…what is the Irish word for him? Yes by the Profit! He is a shitehawk – this shitehawk has buggered us all with his financial jinx. He is an evil dji’in”

Leh Man al Bruthers was inconsolable; “Who will pay for the 1000s of cubic tonnes of snow that the Profit expects to adorn the rockery in my wadi? Who will drive me to public beheadings and loppings? Not ‘Lucky One-Stumped’ Abdul my chauffeur. Poor Lucky had only just escaped another lopping for a minor traffic offence and now I must lay him off to starve, leaving me with no option but to scowl impotently at my hangar full of Bentleys and Daimlers. The Profit has deserted us…in our….desert”.

A video demand recieved by THE EMERGENCY’s Breaking News desk – WARNING. CONTAINS FIANNA FAIL. View with EXTREME caution -
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South and West of country braces itself for onslaught of utterly useless gombeens

Adding insult to injury, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has threatened to visit some areas of the south and west most severely affected by flooding today.

Bottles and kegs in the Dáil Bar were sealed and engagements for Mr Cowen were cancelled yesterday as plans were being made last night for him to travel to Galway, Clare, Tipperary and Cork where his brand of charm, grace under fire and leadership skills, which have proven so worthwhile during the economic crisis, are thought to be just the ticket for the thousands of people who have lost their homes and livelihoods over the past few days.

Large parts of the south and west are on alert, with further heavy visits from dangerously inept politicians expected this week.

In a statement, emergency workers expressed fears that it was only a matter of time before opposition politicians add to the unpleasant deluge of incompetent freeloaders rushing into affected areas to feign concern and solidarity with those worst affected.

Of more pressing concern, the acting Taoiseach is to depart Government Buildings today after a Cabinet meeting, mostly on budget issues, but during which Ministers will also be briefed by a predelegation from the ‘First Response’ taskforce on response to emergency planning which is expected to commence tackling the crisis as soon as things dry out a little.

Met Éireann noted many places in the State have already had one-and-a-half to two times the normal amount of visits by useless inbred wankers seeking reelection for the entire month.

Herman Van Rompuy being congratulated last night after being crowned ‘Miss President of Europe’

EU Leaders named Belgian Prime Minister Herman Van Rompuy as the Union’s first president last night and appointed British Trade Commissioner Catherine Ashton as its foreign affairs chief.

Consensus was reached at a glittering gala summit in Brussels after Britain dropped its insistence that former British prime minister, war criminal and Middle East Hypocrite Envoy Tony Bliar should become president, ending weeks of deadlock and opening the way to agreement on the deliciously grey and anonymous Mr Van Rompuy.

The appointments are intended to bolster the EU’s standing and help it match the rise of emerging powers such as China following the global economic crisis. Apart from the appointment of Ms Ashton, and in an additional concession to the British, EU Leaders chose Mr Van Rompuy deliberately so that Fleet Street tabloid headline writers would have an opportunity to create zingers like “Rompuy Pumpy!!! EU’s Belgian Boss Bonks in Brussells Lovenest!!!” and “No Way Rompay! Battle of the Belge Hots Up!!! (Cor! pictures pages 3, centre spread!!!)”

The French Ambassador (foreground) pictured in the country’s capital following the floods caused by the French, expressing his Government’s response to demands for a rematch (may they all rot in an American fast food outlet).

As the nation united in frustration and disbelief at the historic injustice dealt them quite literally at the hand of Thierry Henry, Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen led a phalanx of senior Fianna Fail figures in demanding a rematch; among them Justice Minister Dermot Ahern who told anyone who would listen as long as they had a TV camera that: “The Irish people are demanding that matters are dealt with in an honest and above board manner. This government was elected to see that happen and so help me it will happen”

“It is now clear that Thierry Henry was singlehandedly responsible for the cataclysm that overwhelmed the Irish banking sector suddenly and unexpectedly last year” the acting Taoiseach said, before reminding voters how historically untrustworthy the French are “They ruined our construction sector with their reckless policy of promoting a property bubble. It is for that reason that this coalition has decided to declare immediate all out war against the French”. The war is to be debated by a special Dail sub-committee which will be selected next month and is expected to commence swiftly and decisively sometime in 2011.

The end of America’s love affair with France during the Second Gulf War is remembered as the time when patriotic producers of ‘French Fries’ altered their name to ‘Freedom Fries’ in an effort to distance themselves from “…cheese eating surrender monkeys”. Ireland is proving herself no different. The association representing chippers the length and breadth of the country has issued a statement that “Henceforth, as a mark of our disgust at the French in general, ‘chips’ will now be known as ‘chips’. In addition, Thierry Henry is barred for life”.

The last laugh may rest with the dreaded French however as Tainiste Swearymary Coughlan has revealed that scientists made up by the Department of Trade and Enterprise have been able to trace the severe flooding which has affected the country since wednesday back to the French. “Ach sure its well known they’re all a crowd of rain dancing hand ball touching fuckers so they are” the Tainiste offered in the Dail yesterday

Thierry Henry’s double handball in last night’s match which saw the Republic of Ireland’s hopes cruelly dashed by an unjust and unpunished act, has landed the French player a place in one of the most exclusive clubs in the world, and its based right here in Ireland – The League of Complete and Utter, and I Truly Mean Utter Bastards.

Welcoming it’s newest member last night, the Club Assistant Vice-President, Taoiseach (acting) Brian Cowen issued a statement through a spokesmonkey, who told reporters that Mr Cowen said: “… Mr Henry’s membership proved that there was no room for elitism among Ireland’s elite, as long as they remained elite” the spokesmonkey said. He then went on to clarify: “..at least that what it sounded like. To be honest he gets a bit mumbly and drony after a certain hour.”

Thierry Henry is a surprise addition to the club’s roll of honour, rubbing shoulders as he does with almighty turds from the fields of Irish politics, finance and construction among others. Founder members of the club Bertie Ahern and ‘Seanie’ Fitzpitrick were detained briefly by undercover detectives guarding Mr Henry when they tackled him to the ground and went through his pockets, apparently for his wallet. Explaining the misunderstanding later on the former Taoiseach and professional gambler said “Dere was nothing untoward…Seanie and me…I mean I….yes…I and me were only trying to give the fella eh eh eh eh eh de eh de de de de de bumps to welcome him to de club is all. Sure Tierry Henry and me know each udder well in fact its was me em em ehhhh dat noviciated him for the club in de eh in de eh first place”.

The League of Complete and Utter, and I Truly Mean Utter Bastards meets wherever and whenever it damned well pleases and has but one aim, which is reflected in the club motto: Urinate totus super Hibernia , Hibernianus , aufero suum argentum, quod attero lemma (Piss all over Ireland, the Irish, remove their dosh, and destroy them)

Sinn Féin unveiled its pre-budget submission earlier today. The document contains proposals the party claims would raise and save €7.623 billion.

The party says the budget should introduce a “wealth tax” to raise €1.6 billion, increase betting duty to 10 per cent, and introduce a €3700 levy on all flying pigs.

In its pre-budget submission, entitled The Road to Recovery , the party said the €7.623 billion would be achieved mainly through tax increases “for those who can afford to pay, and through charging airborne pork massively for violating Irish airspace”.

Sinn Féin finance spokesman Arthur Morgan said the €3700 “aeropork tax” should be levied on all pigs spending more than 18 consecutive seconds suspended more than 2 metres above ground level, excluding particularly ‘springy’ farmland, regardless of residency.

Pigs May Yet Fly

No Silly! Not that kind – the other kind

Minister for Placatingly Cooing At Teachers Batt O’Keefe braved the toxic company of his party leader earlier today as they announced the roll out of a new scheme which promises a ‘teaching’ laptop in every Irish classroom within three years.

Manfully ignoring the incredulous sniggering of gathered journalists, minister O’Keefe assured his audience that this scheme would effectively replace the ongoing Dept. Of Education policy of pretending that class sizes would some day be reduced.

“Thats the old way of doing things” the minister said. “The future is about electricky things and techno-nology or some such. It’s high time that this department started dissembling in ways more suited to the information age. It’s what the Chinese will be expecting after the take over….over…..oh look over there…it’s a…..nun…?” he said.

A spokesman at the department with special responsibility for communicating Education policy to teachers told The Emergency this afternoon that the key phrase is ‘teaching’ laptop. “If we buy the top end Dells they’ll teach the children without us needing any human staff. Then the communist bastards can freeze on the pickets. Where’s your book learning now? Hah? Hah? Is it keeping ye warm four eyes? Is it? Hah? Hah?”

The honours Irish teacher of tomorrow?