Designer Jean-Paul Gaultier makes final adjustments to his special creation for His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI “It is reminiscent of the old wimple but shows a more fun, progressive and whimsical side to the papacy” he says of the rationale behind his design.

Ubersturrmbahnpope Benedict XVI has expressed his “outrage” on discovering that the latest batch of Papal robes has been designed by controversial designer Jean-Paul Gaultier; His Holiness has however stated that he will continue wearing them under protest as the cost involved in replacing robes on a personal whim is felt by the pontiff to be too great in the current recessionary times. Read more »

People of Ireland, The Tiger is dead and smelling rotten, Nama is raiding your kids’ piggy banks: it’s time to turn those tears of anger to tears of laughter, because this is THE EMERGENCY: LIVE!

The Emergency, Ireland’s Topical Satirical Radio Sketch show comes to the Laughter Lounge to celebrate their recent success at the PPI Radio Awards and the launch of their CD “Use Democracy Sensibly”, with their first full length live show.  Read more »

The Emergency are guest performers at the Levithan NAMA Special in The Button Factory, Temple Bar on Wednesday October 28th at 6pm.

David McWillams hosts, Paddy Cullivan also performs and there’s a new film from Doris Magee.

See the Leviathan web site for more details and bookings.

Fears for safety of Green Party Leader and Minister For Trees, John Gormley proved unfounded after a four hour chase of a runaway hot air balloon ended with the discovery that it was empty and, according to some reports, futile.

The hot air balloon had been ordered as an environmentally friendly way to carry the minister from Holyhead in Wales to an important poetry reading in Hay-on-Guardian. It broke its moorings with Gormley thought to be crouched in the basket beneath it with his hands over his ears going “La la la la laaah!” loudly to himself. Read more »

Green Leader John Gormley on divisions in his party – “We’re a family, like all families we argue over different viewpoints”

Environment Minister and Green leader John Gormley has (eco-consciously) rubbished reports of growing dissent within his party over the issue of Nama ahead of their vote on continuing in coalition with MaFFiana Fail this coming weekend. Read more »

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern TD

Cagey thieving ratbag and former taoiseach Bertie Ahern today said he had sympathy for cagey thieving ratbag Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue, who he claimed, with a straight face, was always reluctant to travel during his time as tourism minister.

“He was a fine embezzler, a fine scumbag, a very hard-spending person and I know dat John O’Donoghue was one of dose people selflessly clocking up airmiles in global first class who was reluctant to travel,” he lied.

“De perception is dat he wanted to be away all de time. Dat is not de case. Its just dat he was, and youse ticks all paid for it”

Mr Ahern, who nominated Mr O’Donoghue for the post of Ceann Comhairle, said he was sorry for his party colleague – coincidentally filthy ratbag Ahern is also sorry for bankers and developers, but is completely without contrition for the massive part that he himself played in the destruction of the State.

“I tink most of the tings dat are down as expenses are tings dat he hadn’t got control over because TDs in general and MaFFiana Fail TDs in particular have a widely misunderstood form of kleptomania. Dey just can’t help demselves…eh…helping….demselves. Dats normal. De costs in question were arranged by udder departments, and udder tings he said sorry about some weeks ago, so I can’t understand why little people are so upset…its only money” he said.

Mr Ahern was speaking in Belfast, where he was crayoning Xs on the flyleaf of copies of his autobiography PS I Done You – My Life As A Parasite.

Mr O’Donoghue faces an uncertain future, and will be forced to survive on the bare minimum of €8000 a month for next couple of years. A charity drive (or general election) in his favour is expected shortly.

The Ceann Comhairle John I’Donallyou pictured hard at it

CEANN COMHAIRLE John I’Donallyou has strongly indicated that he does not intend to resign from his position by promising “detailed proposals” to allay ongoing concerns over his foreign travel expenses.

Mr O’Donoghue said in a statement last night that he will present “detailed proposals” to the Houses of the Oireachtas Commission at its meeting tomorrow. The proposals, he said, will be “proposals” . They are expected to be “detailed”.

Responding to the recent criticisms by Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny, who suggested that the lights should be turned off and the misappropriated monies “if any” be left anonymously on the table nearest the door to the Dail chamber, the Ceann Comhairle pointed out that it was not safe to leave sums of cash unguarded for any length of time around Fianna Fail members in general and former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern in particular.

Master of understatement and Labour leader Eamon Gilmore described the continued discovery of Mr I’Donallyou’s expenses regarding foreign travel spending, and of the increased staffing in his office as a “pattern of extravagance”.

Green Party leader John Gormley interupted his enjoyment of a lentil to add his voice to those calling for a detailed response from the Ceann Comhairle. He likened the ongoing controversy to a “running sore” and said it was “a heavy scene guys”.

Mr O’Donoghue travelled from his home in Cahirciveen, Co Kerry, by normal old fashioned ‘land car’ yesterday to Dublin as a penance. In the capital he meets advisers, flunkeys, his pissboy and his visier to formulate a response.

Leaks on this response are indicating what it may be: 20% favour Feck off!; 67% polled believed the answer will be Mine! Keepsies!!; while 13% can’t do maths

Fianna Fail meanwhile has closed ranks to defend their honourable colleague from an opposition who they know will bare their teeth only so far for fear of upsetting the gravy train for everyone.

The leader of the Green Party John Gormley has said that the matter of Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue’s expenses must be dealt with urgently.

“At a time when attention might otherwise be on the Green Party propping up the most unpopular leadership of Ireland since Oliver Cromwell, it is essential that you all look over there at the Bad Man,” Mr. Gormley yelled hysterically whilst dancing a little jig and frenetically pointing towards the chair in the Dáil.

MISTER GORMLEY, PICTURED ABOVE LEADING THE COUNTRY EARLIER

Pressure is mounting on the Ceann Comhairle to resign after it emerged that he spent up two € 7.2 squillion on gold inlay this month alone.

“This is outrageous at a time when many ordinary people are struggling to afford even the cheaper veneers,” Mr. Gormley asserted speaking from his toxic waste incinerator early this morning. “The Ceann Comhairle should be ashamed of himself and so should I… no wait… that didn’t come out right”.

Meanwhile opposition leaders Eamon Gilmore of the Labour Party and Enda Kenny of Fine Gael have called for an urgent meeting to address this issue.

“There must be a meeting of the leaders of all the parties to decide what to do about this scandal,” said Gilmore, speaking from a mid-priced restaurant. Mr. Kenny immediately popped up from the shadows and made a strong statement:

“Me too. As the leader of the Opposition I am right behind Eamon Gilmore.”

There is a rumour that John O’Donoghue is to resign and that he may be replaced by the Green Party’s Trevor Sargent. It is thought that a deal securing the unopposed election of a Green Party TD would cause national rejoicing and dancing in the streets. With torches and possibly pitchforks.

EU Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso congratulating Irish voters for believing that jobs and recovery can come from the Lisbon Treaty

EU Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso has issued a statment thanking the Irish electorate for their Yes turnout in favour of the Lisbon Treaty last friday – he has also thanked Coir and Jim Corr for the part that they played in undermining the No vote by muddying the legitimate argument against the future unaccountability and militarisation of the EU with spaced out conspiracy theories and adherence to medieval fairy tales.

Richard Greene of Coir – the organisation that puts the mental into religious fundamentalist has claimed that his organisation’s posters (which were packed with more provable untruths than the bible) were the outright winners in the campaign, but there again he sincerely believes that a ficticious teenage virgin chattel in Judea gave birth to a superbeing 2000 years ago capable of guiding his destiny today. In the 21st century.

Simple millionaire Jim Corr meanwhile is thought to be preparing himself for the rapture by stockpiling aluminium foil and is preparing a plan to kidnap renowned hat maker Philip Treacy. Famous for being the not very accomplished guitarist in a not very hip band with his not very well fed sisters, Corr is also considering a career as stumbling block for hire, or as copilot on David Icke’s flying saucer to Tralfamadore.

Meanwhile acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen interupted his stay in a bottle briefly with warm words for the Irish people who he said had spoken decisively, unlike last year, when they….. spoke decisively. The rest of his speech was drowned out by the thousands and thousands of protected jobs with the finest of conditions and highest standards which began to pour into the Irish economy on saturday morning and which will continue for ever and ever and ever heralding an end to the downturn and the dawn of recovery promised by Pat Cox, Eamon Ryan, the Liberal SOCODU poster babes et al ad nauseaum.

We’ll see. Or “baaa“, as the threatened predominantly middle class Irish yes voter who will cling to any chance that they might claw their way out of debt would have it.