LABOUR LEADER Eamon Gilmore has categorically ruled out “running with scissors” after the next general election.

Mr Gilmore also emphatically rejected any thoughts of taking a shower or bath while holding a four bar electric fire attached to the mains.

Speaking to reporters in advance of his party’s parliamentary party meeting in Faithlegg, Co Waterford, yesterday, Mr Gilmore said he and his party had no plans to jump off a tall building, “…even if bigger, cooler boys” did it first.

“I have made it clear that the Labour Party will not be up to putting thumbtacks in their porridge after the next election. We will not be putting marbles or crayons up our noses. I made it clear that putting small or sharp objects into any orifice is right out,” he said.

In his opening address to his party’s TDs and Senators, Mr Gilmore also held out the possibility that Labour could be the “sensiblest” party after the next election and in a position to form a government as long as there is no dangerous horseplay or ingestion of household bleach or battery acid. “We are also in the midst of a major sea change in Irish politics.

“This time last year, I challenged the notion that the essential choice in Ireland must always be between standing in the middle of the Stillorgan dual carriageway and grating your leg off with a Lancashire peeler.

“I said that the Labour Party should and could develop as the third option,” he said.

He cited the fact that in the local and European elections, the party won a quarter of the seats in the European Parliament and had increased its representation in local government by a third. This against the backdrop of not sticking pointy things in their ears or using superglue as a facial wash.

Mr Gilmore told the meeting the party would give the country what he described as a “fresh start” instead of instantly running off to do a bungee jump off Clerys with a 2700 foot rope.

“It is not enough just to think and talk about safety: we must communicate our vision as to what it is for.”

He said the party needed to set out strategies on the economy, on reforming the public services and on not dousing itself in kerosene and scratching it’s arse with a Zippo.

Fianna Fail were busy playing with switchblades and smoking behind the €3billion Leinster House bicycle shed and were unavailable for comment – although several government backbenchers did threaten to throw Mr Gilmore’s satchel “…up into a tree” if he didn’t stop “…being such a fecking lick”

Labour Leader Eamon Gilmore

This live performance of The 2009 Grand Bank Nationalisation sketch formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009.
Read more »

Lovingly captured on on a videogramatical cylinder this performance formed part of Leviathan in the Mind Field at The Electric Picnic on September 5th 2009. This marked the performance debut of the song “Hey Brian”.

Read more »

Bertie and Maurice Ahern attempting to present Eric Cantona with a specially made Dublin GAA jersey for the second time in one year

Proving that there may yet be hope of rehabilitation for countless career criminals, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, the “Man Who Broke The Bank At Montenotte”, has embarked on a new course – as a sports columnist.

It is a testament to his ‘have-a-go-at-robbin-annywun’ mentality that he takes on his new position as celebrity football columnist with the highly disregarded New of The World newspaper in spite of his inability to remember facts, or report anything concisely or with any degree of accuracy.

Mr Ahern caused a stir recently when he attended a film premiere to hijack former Manchester United great Eric Cantona, the star of Looking For Eric, in an attempt to garner positive publicity for his older brother Maurice (the one who was raised in the attic) Ahern. On that occasion the movie’s director Ken Loach referred to Bertie as “…a rather dodgy right wing politician”

The Aherns were at it again when they tracked down Cantona yesterday in an attempt to garner positive publicity for Bertie (the one who robbed you blind) Ahern’s new NOTW column. It is not yet known whether Ken Loach will describe the former Taoiseach as a rather dodgy right wing soccer pundit.

What is certain is Eric Cantona’s view “Ooo ze fuq are zees slimy fuque-weets?” he asked his handlers after being buttonholed by the Aherns for the second time. Bertie later told reporters that it was “Eric up to his usual bit of gas” and “He’s always doing dat – pretendin not to know me, but I was in school wid him, he is a very close personal friend”

Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck is pictured leaving the HSE

The familiar of Mighty Jabba the Health and head of the Huge Senseless Executive (HSE), Professor Brendan D’luckyfuck, has announced he will not seek to have his contract renewed when his term comes to an end next year.

Speaking this afternoon, Prof D’luckyfuck said: “When I came into this post I said that I would be here for a five-year period.

“I won’t be seeking a renewal of my contract next year but that doesn’t say that over the next I don’t have a huge mess to consolidate” he told The Emergency

Prof D’luckyfuck said he felt his five-year term in charge showed his “commitment for the country” in changing the system into something even more unwieldly than regional health boards. “I preside over a national health board containing all of the old regional health boards – before the HSE came along, each of these regional boards had to waste money and resources independently of eachother – now all that can be done centrally at the flick of a switch” he said – though he did later phone to say it was really at the flick of several different switches left over from the old wiring plan, “[and] one big new one”

He said there was a challenge to change the system over the period he was in charge and it was important “to keep a focus on changing deadlines or something gets done”.

Prof D’luckyfuck added that he was afraid of staying in the post for too long saying “ten years for me is actually too long for somebody to keep getting away with murder”.

“This is a massive challenge and one we need to see in the context of where we’ve come from. At least the health service is now in the midst of transformation . . . as opposed to before my tenure, when it was constantly…er….changing. We have delivered between five and six hundred million in savings a year over the past couple of years”. Thats the equivalent of a single man on the average national wage not using a five euro note to light the fire this year or last year.

“At least now we have put in place detailed performance measures . . . we now have a fabulous primary-care infrastructure going in across this country,” Prof D’luckyfuck said. “People said it wouldn’t happen, and will still have the opportunity to say this when it is supposed to be in place by the end of 2012.

However, he added: “We are going to have to take out over a couple of years 6,000 jobs or alternatively we’re going to have to reduce what we spend in other areas, including on pay – it’ll be a struggle to keep management and administration staff on otherwise, in the face of the ongoing cost of putting up with these pesky sick people, they’re the real problem.”

Prof D’luckyfuck will sadly be unlikely to benefit from any form of therapy for his chronic delusions, but hey at least he didn’t light the fire with a fiver the last couple of years, eh?

The apparatus constructed by Government spin doctors to locate their vanishing support base

In the latest of a series of shocks to his system, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen has learned that mission control in Dehli reports that it has been unable to make contact with Fianna Fail’s core support for some time, while scientists in charge of the Hubble Space Telescope have admitted that even they can no longer see anyone actually in favour of Brian Cowen’s leadership outside of hardcore members of FF (officially twinned with Iraq’s erstwhile Ba’ath Party); and three quarters of the electorate would like to see a change of government, according to the latest Emergency /lookoutthewindow poll, which shows MaFFianna Fáil slipping to a record low.

Asked if they would like to see cabinet ministers fed genitalia first into a Kenwood Chef, 75 per cent of voters said they would, while just 17 per cent said they would not.

When asked the same question last February, 62 per cent favoured painful clown-mincing while 28 per cent were against.

There is overwhelming support for “opening a can of whup-ass” on government among supporters of all the Opposition parties, while 74 per cent of ‘Green’ Party voters also favour a “whuppin“, so long as it is Fairtrade. Even among MaFFianna Fáil voters a substantial minority, 42 per cent, would like to see “some fecker gettin lumps“.

Satisfaction with the “government” is running at just 11 per cent, with 85 per cent of voters expressing dissatisfaction with its performance. A majority of MaFFianna Fáil and ‘Green’ Party supporters are dissatisfied with their own Government’s performance, and many of them have been spotted burying their membership documents and dressing as women in order to maximise their chances of a successful escape.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s satisfaction rating has dropped six points over the summer from “lower than a Daschund’s nuts” to “about as welcome as an unsupervised Catholic priest in a kindergarten“, with 77 per cent of voters saying they are dissatisfied with his utter ineptitude.

The strong anti-Government mood of the electorate comes at a time when the MaFFianna Fáil-’Green’ Party Coalition has to deal with a range of hugely challenging issues, including trying to convince tax-payers that the Nama legislation will not fleece them, the framing of next year’s combined “hairshirt/analrape” budget and decisions on the implementation of the Commission on Taxation report, as well as trying to scare people into voting yes on the unaltered Lisbon referendum.

When people were asked who they would vote for if there were a general election tomorrow, most answered ‘Velma from Scooby-Doo’, but when adjusted for party support, compared with the last Emergency /lookoutthewindow poll in May this answer tranlates as: MaFFianna Fáil, 17 per cent (down three points); Inglourious Bluesherts, 34 per cent (down two points); Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling, 24 per cent (up one point); Shun Feann, 10 per cent (up two points); ‘Green’ Party, 3 per cent (no change); and Independents/lickspittles/cranks, 12 per cent (up two points).

The Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling Party under Eamon Gilmore has now pushed MaFFianna Fáil into third place in terms of core vote for the first time, with Inglourious Bluesherts maintaining the position it achieved in recent polls and in local and European elections in June as ‘the funkiest party with the worst snacks’ in the country. In Dublin, Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling is in first place with 25 per cent, one point ahead of Inglourious Bluesherts on 24 per cent with MaFFianna Fáil trailing back in fourth place in the capital on 11 per cent, a point behind Shun Feann

The ‘Green’ Party’s share of the national vote has not changed since the last poll in May, but satisfaction with the party leader, John Gormless, has dropped eight points to 19 per cent, with many members of the party now unwilling ‘to even use him even as a base for organic compost’.

The Shun Feann vote is up since May but satisfaction with party president, Gorry Odoms, has dropped to 28 per cent, which is his lowest rating since he was allowed to speak on the radio using his own voice instead of an actor.

Inglourious Blueshert leader Enda Kenny’s rating has also dropped. He is now officially the least useful spore of a rallying fungus.

Smoked Salmon Canape & Reisiling Party leader Eamon Gilmore remains by far the most popular political figure on 47 per cent, but has experienced a drop of 2 points since the last poll – this has been attributed to the fact that some people may have heard him speaking out loud in the last few months, something that he was wisely avoiding as much as possible.

There is a huge level of dissatisfaction with acting Taoiseach Cowen’s performance among supporters of all political parties, except MaFFianna Fáil. Even among his own supporters 44 per cent are now dissatisfied, while 50 per cent expressed that in their world black is still white, white collar criminality is ‘AOK’, and Charles Haughey was ‘A Great Fella Altogether’.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen said the issue of his leadership will not arise during the course of the second referendum on the Lisbon Treaty – Mr Cowen mumbled his response in the general direction of the press as he launched his party’s campaign for a “Yes” vote from the country one month from today.

“There are no circumstances under which my leadership can be questioned – I have been very careful to display no leadership whatsoever during the course of the last number of months and the record will show this. You can’t sue the sky for skin cancer after a run of rainy days” he said. When asked would he personally resign if the referendum were lost he said that he did not contemplate defeat.

“Look it. This has to pass. The long term damage of a no vote is unimaginable” said Mr Cowen “TDs could lose their gig – there is no cheque I will not sign, no deal I will not fumble, no agreement I will not make behind the back of the Irish people in order to keep those TDs in employment”.

Facing questions over the strong possibility of a ‘punishment’ vote from an angry electorate over government mismanagement, misuse of expenses and the thorny issue of NAMA the acting Taoiseach replied that in addition to the tooth fairy and banshees, he possesses a great belief in the discernment of voters to distinguish between issues.

“Just because a fella burnt the steak, you can’t take it out on him just because you’re after been catching him pissing in the spuds now can you?” he parried.

During the course of this speech, Mr Cowen argued that Europe had listened to the Irish people following their initial “No” to Lisbon last year. He said that Ireland now had a piece of paper acknowledging their concerns and guaranteeing to specifically look helpless and shrug when such concerns are actually tested by an operating post-ratification Europe.

“The new legal guarantees which the Irish people have received are both comprehensive and legally watertight in addressing these issues” he said, veering well away from the clear difference between addressing a concern, and resolving it.

The acting Taoiseach was joined by Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheál Dracula as principal speaker at the launch, which was attended by all Fianna Fáil ministers, as well as junior ministers, and a detachment from the Jugenderfreikorps. A small number of TDs and Senators who were not otherwise engaged in cashing their expenses were in attendance. The slogans for the campaign are “Vote Yes Or Face A Visit From Dick Roche” and “Europe – Resistance is Futile“.

This musical clip features two cariacatures, one of the then civilian journalist George Lee (here named as George Glee) who interviews the then-incumbent head of Irish Nationwide (Nationgrab), Michael Fingleton (Faginton). The interview starts off Dickensian and mutates into WestEndian as Faginton and a chorus of Irish Nationgrab personnell break into a rendition of “You’ve Gotta Have A Pension Or Three”. It was broadcast first in Episode 2 of The Emergency on March 21st 2009.

Cast: Nick Mcgivney (George Glee) Morgan Jones (Faginton) The Emergency (Chorus)

You've Gotta Have A Pension Or Three [ 3:20 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Recorded at Mutiny Studios in March 2009.

Michael Dracula TD the
Minister for Foreign Affairs

Minister for Foreign Affairs Michael Dracula, who has been charged by acting-Taoiseach Brian Cowen with bringing in a definitive “yes” vote on Lisbon II in October, has launched a charm offensive on the voters of Ireland today from his rain lashed Cork city gothic constituency office.

“We’re putting Dick Roche out on the road” Mr Dracula said, “He is an invaluable asset to Fianna Fail as an ongoing leveraged product, and the Yes campaign in general.

Answering questions about the charm offensive, Mr Dracula explained how Mr Roche would be drumming up support for the “yes” camp. “Dick will be sidling up to as many people as he possibly can over the coming weeks and muttering smug reassurances about Ireland’s place in Europe” he said.

Minister Dracula then introduced a beaming Dick to the gathered press – Mr Roche then demonstrated his patter to the throng. “I’ll be mostly saying things like – we can’t afford to turn our backs on the EU at a time like this; apart from anything else the Germans can be very angry and vindictive people…I mean they’re our friends now but….they’ve got a lot of tanks is all I’m saying, you didn’t hear it from me - you know, stuff like that”

Asked if he had any veiled threats regarding the effect of a possible “no” vote on the continuing banking crisis, Mr Roche sucked in air violently through pursed lips, his eyes screwed shut, head shaking mournfully from side to side, before looking up and saying “Armageddon” in a disbelieving whisper. Then, returning to himself he cracked his trademark grin and said “Pretty good eh?”

So brace yourselves voters of Ireland, the offensive charm of Dick Roche is coming to a street near you.

Dick Roche TD pictured at the Aer Lingus Young Scientist
of the Year 2008

Former Taoiseach Dr Garret FzzzJerllll

The former Taoiseach Dr Garret FzzzJerllll has stated that he stands by his assertion made public yesterday that the only way forward for the State is to get behind and follow the Government’s proposed Nama legislation.

“Zuzzzy zuzzzy zuzzzy zuzzy property bubbllllle, zuzzy zuzzy terrrrble errors of judgement, zuzzzy zuzzzy zuzzzzy zuzz hell in a handcart” he told reporters, wishing to fully explain his understanding of the roots of the present difficulties facing the Irish banking sector before further clarifying his support for Nama.

“Gzzzz ulrzzzz zuzzzy zuzzzy exposure to toxic loans, zuzzzy zuzzz in much the same way azuzzzy memberzuzzy of my own family zuzzzum zuzzy involved in property, zuzzy. However!!! zuzzy zuzzzy zuzzzy zzzzz. Only in this way can we zuzzy….zuzzy zuzzzy biscuits wuzzzy” he said.

Dr FzzzJerllll is best remembered for leading Ireland through the two longest cabinet meetings in the history of the State; the first lasted from 30 June 1981- 9 March 1982 and dealt with a road in Laois. The second lasting from 14 December 1982 – 10 March 1987, dealt primarily with the price of teabags in Mortons’ grocery in Dunville Avenue near his Dublin home, but again touched on the road in Laois that had so vexed the detail oriented Dr FzzzJerllll during his first cabinet meeting.