Following consultations at Farmleigh House over the weekend between government TDs and several Irish business leaders and tax evaders it has been decided that the State will be put up on YouTube.

Speaking this morning, Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen expanded on the proposal “The next hundred days are crucial” Mr Cowen said, pushing snooze on his ‘next 100 days’ clock for the 12th time in as many days. “It is planned that if the country gets enough views, the next step going forward will be to auction it on eBay to the highest bidder, possibly North Korea. It’s that serious, we’re fighting for our financial lives” he said.

In the meantime, citizens are being advised to contact relatives abroad and feign the symptoms of potato famine. “It worked in the 1840s which in all fairness was an actual potato famine and then again a bit in the 1970s, which I suppose in fairness was a class of a jobs famine so we should give it a lash again to try and counter the effects of this false famine caused by Lehmann Brothers Bank collapse going forward” said the Taoiseach.

Morgan C. Jones sent a message using the contact form at http://contact.ie/contact.

A Chara

I’m a voting constituent. So are my wife and my two eldest children. For a start, you can completely forget any votes in favour of Lisbon if you proceed with your disgustingly inequitable bail out of the banks and developers via Nama.
It’s not just our 4 votes – my father and his wife (lifelong Fianna Fail supporters disgusted with the treason that you have committed upon our State) will vote no for this reason. That’s six votes gone. My mother in law, old Fine Gael, pro Europe, pro Enda – the price of her yes to Lisbon is the immediate reversal of Nama. 7 votes now boys, see the ripples? My two brothers and sisters remaining in this country and their spouses and adult children number 11 votes. So that’s a total of 18 votes you’re going to lose on Lisbon over Nama. From 2 generations of 1 typical Irish family.
I’ll be honest with you (not that you’d understand the concept) you were never going to get a “yes” or a vote for any Fianna Fail candidate from me – I find your kind nauseating. However, out of the foregoing 18 typical votes you’re kissing at least 9 votes in favour goodbye if you pursue Nama. Not to mention 3 don’t knows. Do the math (I believe one of you is an accountant)

for the attention of Bertie Ahern TD & Cyprian Brady TD

from
Morgan C. Jones
Drumcondra

TANAISTE Swearymary Coughlan, the Enterprise, Trade and Employment Minister, speaking yesterday.

TANAISTE Swearymary Coughlan, the Enterprise, Trade and Employment Minister, yesterday addressed an invited audience of entrepreneurs to promote IDA Ireland’s “aggressive” new campaign to market Ireland abroad telling them that the IDA would be marketing Ireland as the innovation island — “like Einstein explaining his theory of evolution”.

In her dogged determination to promote the “smart economy” Ms Coughlan reminded her audience of the many struggles that Ireland has faced in it’s turbulent history. “When Garret Fitzgerald and Charles Haughey founded this state in 1902, sure fuck it we burrly had an arse in our troosers but that didn’t stop them buckos no hai” she said.

“When Michael Collins perfected space travel, did he do it solo? Without the backing of a sheparding State body? No he did not – he applied to Walt Disney and the mandarins at Cumann Na nGael and recieved backing – allowing him to build his big catapult at Birr Cathedral, where the Hubble Space Telescope stands today as silent monument to his determinnu…detminnn…determinininty….och fuck it he was a stubborn big fucker anyway hai.”

Pausing briefly to make sure that there were enough red smarties left in the bag she clutched in her hand throughout her rousing speech, the Tainiste was handed a piece of paper by her officials, she then solemnly read out the registration number of two cars that were badly parked blocking the exit of the car park. “So youse fuckers with them horseless carriages, and ye know well who ye are, had better move them or ye’ll have somebody’s toe up yer hole so ye will” she quipped, before being coaxed out of the room by an aide waving a copy of the latest ‘Heat’ magazine.

Finance Minister Lendusafiver showing how high the average taxpayer may expect the sewage to rise: “It’s only for ten years or so, if you hold your breath you’ll feel great afterwards”

Finance mininster Brian Lendusafiver moved to quell disquiet today among voters ahead of the second day of the debate on the draft Nama legislation despite having a sore shoulder. It is believed that Mr Lendusafiver put his back out some time late last night owing to the queue of senior bankers who spent much of yesterday evening clapping him on the back.

The Nama legislation has provoked a mixed reaction. Taxpayers for some inexplicable reason appear to be broadly not in favour of the plan as outlined yesterday to pay an estimated €54billion of their money out to soulless bastards who caused the Irish economic crisis. Commentators in the media, particularly on RTE are broadly in favour but this may be because they are more used to accepting unsubstantiated spin from people that they will be rubbing shoulders with in nice restaurants. Several senior members of the finance community were contacted for comment, but their mouths were too full of quail egg and caviare to be understood.

The Irish economy was 87. It will be interred in a shoe box behind government buildings later next week following a short service.

Having escaped to the secure southside environs of Sion Hill bunker, the barely bruised and defiant ex-Minister for SFA thought she was away and clear. She had known that this day would come, and when the Reichstag was going down in flames she knew she would still have the tunnel which she had dug over twelve long years with no help from nobody except her butty Eminem from Cork who gave her twenty of those years. After all, being the ruling elite is an uncertain game and it’s good to have the teachering trade to fall back on. For the kids like.

But naive Miss Hanafin reckoned without the prowess of fifteen year old girls, or ‘those lethal blades’ as the mother of one of the fifteen year olds, a generic Sorcha, calls them. Hanafin discovered her mistake when she took the ‘Careers’ class. A few disjointed sniggers at the mention of Job Education soon turned into open guffaws, culminating in widespread foaming at the mouth and a threat by several known emos to ‘cut something Oi swear if that sarcastic cai doesn’t loike shut up.’

Hanafin responded daintily to media queries with ‘Well frankly they’re making a mockery of the whole system.  I tried to curtail the adolescent sniggering at the mention of Jobs Education. There’s nothing dirty about the subject, any child in the country should be able to talk openly about it without fear or embarrassment, and it’s a part of our history. I tried to tell them that the future is sunny, but alas they were like a rabid pack of starving bitches frankly. I use that in the canine sense because I was brought up correctly within a large and proper family structure. I certainly would expect more from the Sion Hill girls I’ve taught,’ said the clearly out of touch bounty hunter. ‘Although,’ Fett added, ‘that was in another century and a galaxy far, far away.’

The country was injured, much of it seriously, when a runaway government collided with an Economy at the junction of Molesworth Street and Kildare Street in Dublin City centre yesterday afternoon.

The two-party Coalition Government was lurching relentlessly to a halt when it collided with the Economy shortly before 3pm. The Economy was derailed in the crash.

Our picture shows the runaway govenment’s driver (with enormous head) still trapped at the scene while his conductor attempts to stagger clear of the wreckage

A spokeswoman for Coalition Government operator FiannaFailure confirmed several people “…possibly up to four million or so give or take”, had been injured in the crash, but insisted that ultimately they would feel even healthier than they ever had felt before being struck by the out of control vehicle of state.

She said the company had begun an investigation into the incident but it was too early to give more precise details into the circumstance behind the collision.

The spokeswoman also confirmed that the number FF/GREEN Government involved in the incident was carrying a full load of bankers and property developers and was travelling northward away from Penury when it was involved in the collision with the Economy.

Meanwhile, the major banks are requesting members of the public not to attend their branch network until further notice due to the collision.

Eye-witnesses said that the out of control government appeared to be driven by an inept man who in spite of “having an enormous head, truly enormous” was “unsteady on his feet”. The driver “…seemed to be half cut out of the government” one man told us, before continuing on his journey home to explain to his kids how they would be living in a cardboard box from now on

Ceann Comhairle John I’Doneallyou issued a statement yesterday from his favourite bookie’s stall at the Listowel races in an attempt to quell the ongoing controversy caused by his overly lavish expenses claims while serving as Minister For Arse All & Antics during the ‘Dark Reign’ of the Necromancer-Taoiseach Bertie Ahern.

Mr I’Doneallyou pleaded that he did not enter public life for personal gain, and that it was a lucky byproduct of his position that he found himself able to survive on eight to ten thousand euros a day as Arse All & Antics Minister.

The Ceann Comhairle restated his view that he is precluded from commenting on the controversy about the expenses because of his current position as Ceann Comhairle, and because he still had two cash tills and a pensioner’s handbag stuck on his hands.

“I have at every opportunity displayed publicly and steadfastly the extreme, leathery, jockey’s-bollox consistency of my neck in relation to the constitutional situation, I have outlined to the TDs in the Dáil, most of whom are also soaking to one degree or other the people to whom we are accountable and I explained in so far as the costs were high, I sincerely regretted that.”

Mr I’Doneallyou said that there was a precedent stretching back many years that the Ceann Comhairle must be treated like a tiny fragile porcelain serial murderer who knows where all the other supervillains’ victims are buried and he said that he was simply abiding by the precedent.

“It has been ruled in the Houses of the Oireachtas that he is the neutral chairman of the house and that even if he is caught he always magically has his fingers crossed and a photo of Padre Pio behind his ear allowing him to stay above public controversy and that has been the position and is the position.”

The Ceann Comhairle photographed yesterday speaking to reporters during a visit to Listowel Races in North Kerry, as part of his preparation for today’s make or break Nama debate – Mr I’Doneallyou stressed that his expenditure as a minister was in line with Bond Villain guidelines and he insisted that he did not benefit personally.

“ I have stated categorically to the members of the Dáil, the representatives of the people to whom I am accountable that I sincerely regret the costs that were incurred in so far as they were high and paid on my account by mysterious and malicious faeries in the Department – I ask you, what kind of a, a genius would you have to be to suspect that the damask pillows you were sleeping on in the palatial suite you were sharing with your wife were an indication of how expensive your five star hotel was? In so far as someone can be a genius”

“I have also outlined that the costs concerned were audited independently by independently independent people who would never dream of rocking the boat for fear that they too would fall off the gravy train”

“I explained to the members of the house, my peers that yes, it is my view in so far as the costs were high, I regret this but I have also explained that these were costs paid to service providers on my behalf, these were not costs which were paid to me. The fact that such service providers included the son of one of my former colleagues has nothing to do with it. That could have been anyone receiving over the odds payment for opaquely tendered government business

“I profited nothing out of it – I did not go into public life to make a profit – that happened by accident. I have explained all of that and let me assure that I behaved in good faith and with probity throughout in so far as someone would have to and that is what I have said to my colleagues.”

Pressed as to whether he would formally apologise for running up such expenses, Mr I’Doneallyou stopped short of an overt apology but appeared to suggest that his expression of regret could be taken as an apology…eh…in so far as it had to be.

“I have written to my colleagues and I have stated categorically with the benefit of hindsight that some of the costs are high and that I sincerely regret that – in so far as one regrets something, I think that is an apology,” he said. Producing his left testicle and pointing at it he went on to say “Look at this picture of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel; you may choose to misrepresent it as, perhaps being one of my gonads but I can clearly assure you that it is in fact an oil painting of the Sistine’s ceiling in a diamond encrusted frame – in so far as I can clearly assure you of anything. I think that is a fact”

The Ceann Creosus refused to comment on a call by Tipperary South MaFFianna Fáil TD, Mattie McGrat (who does impressions of a man with some ethics in his spare time for a laugh) that he should step down from his position chairing a committee on Oireachtas reform. “I have no response to that – I’m not going to enter into that. Unlike my toe and Deputy McGrath’s hole”

“I am not in any way trying to avoid your question, and I am trying to maintain the dignity of the office and at the same time explain precisely what happened as I did to the members of the house. In so far as I did.”

Mr I’Doneallyou said that he would “let the general public” decide as to whether he has been singled out for unfair attention over expenses while he also said that he had “no idea how long” the current controversy would last “In so far as it is a controversy which I am not sure that it is – if you ask me this is all a mass hallucination caused by Derren Brown to undermine the office of the Ceann Comhairle – its obvious…in so far as it……can be”.

The Ceanncomhairle, Johnny “The Cash” O’Donoghue (aka “The Man In The Black”), has issued a statement spelling out in full the extent to which he will be spellling nothing out in full following recent disquiet at his enormous expenses while he was Minister For Playing, Painting And The Craic.

O’Donghue, pictured below “waving” to voters en route from his bedroom to a nearby en suite bathroom, has said that because of the need for the Ceanncomhairle to stay clear of political debate, he will not comment in detail on large sums of money incurred by him as expenses.

In a letter to TDs which was delivered by gold-inlaid oiled messengerboy, inscribed on vellum, perched atop a velvet cushion and accompanied by a complimentary platinum ingot, Mr. O’Doghue did concede that some of the figures which have come to light could be seen as “taking the complete and utter piss” in that they were “exorbitant” and “too much”. However he pointed out that Ministers quite often had no idea of what expenditure of this sort was in detail.

“Quite often, I would have no idea that something involving me might be a bit expensive,” Mr. O’Donoghue explained during an early morning prosecco hot-tub conference on his lawn today. “For example I could be a car or jet or penthouse hotel suite in the caribbean and not have any idea at all that it was one of the expensive ones.  In fact it only recently came to light that most people ‘pay’ for ‘stuff’ themselves. Naturally if there has been any overspending on the part of my former department or the office of Ceanncomhairle, every effort will be made to regret them – possibly at a special symposium on regret to be held in Tuscany in the spring when the local wines are at their most sumptuous”.

Some of the expenses incurred by O’Doghue over the years include:

• Stretch Limo on “Excessively nippy days”: €5 m.
• First class air travel to and from essential government business such as “Going to hot places” and “Maintaining a national profile in the world of luxury hotels and other areas vital to the well-being of all Irish government ministers”: €45 m.
• Underpants of finely meshed titanium:€1 bn.
• Sundry pies and stationery: €5.4 bn.

The Ceanncomhairle cut short questioning at the end of the session to take delivery of a moat. He said he would be making no further comment as he felt “that I don’t have to and ye can’t make me”.

Meanwhile the Taoiseach has been quick to do feck all about anything.

The Emergency is proud to present it’s coveted Outdoor Media Award for the September to December 2009 quarter to The News Of The World for their eyecatching 48 sheet billboards promoting their exciting new sports columnist the former Taoiseach Mr Habitual Liar TD.

Mr Liar, who’s brothers Pathological and Craven are also members of the Fianna Fail party, is said to be delighted with the prominent placement of the posters in particular those near his beloved Croke Park on Jones Road in north Dublin city.

“Croke Park and de Liar family are intertwingled” Mr Liar said at the award ceremony while going through audience members’ wallets. “My father was intrumenial in de successful staging of de Rising and personally demolished de de de eh British strongholds during Christmas week in 1903 that led to de building of de original Hill 16″ he reminded those who were yet to be lulled to sleep by his hypnotic droning voice but he was moved to tears by his own rhetoric, concluding; “Dis…dis…must be de most munny I’ve got in yonks lads…Jayz…tanks”.

A report to be published later today by the Witchfinder, Comptroller and Auditor General is expected to reveal the full extent of extravagant use of State funds by former Fás head Spendy Molloy – an in depth study of budgets under Mr Molloy’s stewardship reveals that he was only days away from purchasing Manchester United centre back Rio Ferdinand for stg£37million when he was shamed into resigning over the scandal caused by misuse of taxpayers’ money.

“Molloy had had his eye on that Ferdinand fellah for a long time” an anonymous in depth mole at the troubled State training & employment agency told our reporter. “Molloy wanted him in to run errands like; make the tea now and then, y’know?” he said. As a reciprocal arrangement for the Man Utd star, Ferdinand was to have been allowed first choice of available snack on a friday, and every second wednesday off.

Our anonymous source is believed to have been implicated in the fraudulent misuse of photocopiers perpetrated by former Fás ‘photocopying guy’ Fiachra O’Diondain who racked up a personal fortune producing full print runs of the London Evening Standard as an overrun facility when that paper needed extra editions. O’Diondain then couriered the finished product first class to England by Sikorski helicopter in a cargo container marked ‘Students – For Export Only- Do Not Feed’. This production was made possible with the agency’s paper, toner, photocopiers and sellotape. Needless to say, Fás also picked up the tab for the courier to London.

Our source, who has been allowed to remain in their position thanks to their cooperation with the ongoing investigation into overspending at Fás assures us that they are not Fiachra O’Diondain trying to curry favour by hanging a bigger fish than himself out to dry. Whoever he or she is, however, did send us 473,000 copies of their invoice for participating in an interview.

Spendy Molloy meanwhile can expect a full and harsh punishment. He will be publicly admonished in a half hearted fashion, and faces a very strong possibility that someone with a very serious expression may shake their head sadly while looking at him.