The shocking scene which greeted commuters in Dublin city centre this morning (photo-AP.Reuters)

Hope is fading fast for the fate of the three bicycles missing from the new JC Decaux Dublin City Bike Rental Scheme – one bike has been reported stolen, and two more have not been returned, Dublin City Council has said.

A spokesman for the council said the bike was stolen while locked to a lamppost over the weekend, however he refused to speculate that the bike is not stolen, but possibly hidden by Lisbon Treaty campaign posters; “I refuse to speculate on that” he said. “These are the first remotely serious incidents that have happened since the launch earlier this month,” the spokesman said. Asked why he felt that the launch earlier this month was a remotely serious incident, he looked mildly confused and went away.

The two other missing bikes were hired on a 72 hour ticket – as they however were not returned within the 24 hour timeframe as required, they are presumed to have been kidnapped or possibly even eaten. Both sides in the Lisbon Treaty debate have blamed the other for the loss.

Coir has released a statement that in a post-ratification Europe the missing bikes would not be safe from lower rental rates or the strong possibility that they would be ridden by Protestants, homosexuals, all class of liberals, sexually active single women and English people.

Peeking out through a tiny wee crack of an opening in the doorway to his darkened office, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen moved to reassure voters that their bikes would be safer under the Lisbon Treaty; while business mogul Bill Cullen had an enormous weep on the Pat Kenny show when he remembered the frightful conditions of bicycles in Dublin in the 1950s “Some of them had no tyres….no tyres Pat” he sobbed before being helped out of the studio by contestants from TV3′s The Apprentice (two of whom failed to ‘cup’ Bill correctly and will be sure to face the chop next time they’re in the boardroom).

Neither Declan Ganley or Michael O’Leary have commented on the loss of the three bicycles, but they are believed to be preparing statements on the matter for their nightly round of insulting eachother on the radio and television.

A spokesman for the Lisbon Treaty Referendum Commission has expressed his regret that this incident should be marring the Lisbon Treaty “This is only the second year of this annual event and for this to happen it is truly heartbreaking”. He did promise an even better time at next year’s Lisbon Treaty event, hinting that there may even be free face painting for the elderly and a “Parent and/or Guardian’s Little Helper” free valium scheme.

Acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen speaking to reporters this morning

The proposed Ryanair Lisbon Treaty press ad

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Dious is said to be considering placing one of his trademark “cheeky arsehole money grubber telling it like it really is” press ads to drum up a yes vote in this friday’s rerun of the Lisbon Treaty referendum.

Mr O’Dious spoke at reporters today telling them “Blah blah blah blah Dana. Blah blah blah blah ratcatcher. Blah blah blah blah soundbyte”. His entry into the Lisbon debate is seen as a key factor for the yes side who may yet come to place a defeat of the treaty vote on his shoulders, given that he is the sound of a crowbar gouging a blackboard rendered in vaguely human form.

Ryanair has also offered to help voters without transport on friday get to the polling station, but the offer has been wisely declined by the united FF/FG/Lab/Green Yes lobby on the grounds that voters taking up the offer would have to pay €18 for their polling card and would have to take a feeder bus from the Burren to the polling station of their choice – unless they were registered to vote in the Burren in which case they would have to take a shuttle transfer from Newry.

Bertie Ahern, the colourful Drumcondra hustler, con artiste and ‘jack of all words, master of none’ has completed his first formally published work of fiction PS I Done You , due on shelves on October 5th – the novel is a reimagining of his years in government as if viewed through the eyes of a committed public servant and patriot intent on the wellbeing of his country’s citizens. The book was formally launched at top Dublin private members club Anglo’s.

“I suppose dat you could say its a bit of a satire in a way I suppose – like Marty Whelan’s Flying Hospital; like them lads” said the cheeky crim beloved of thousands of self serving gombeen men and odious civil war throwbacks.

Bertie says that he is busier now than ever before; “I have to call the News of the World from time to time to get the cheque for dem using my name in their paper….and den dere’s de campaigning for a Yes vote in the Lisbon Treaty which of course I was instrumentalist in negotiating so obviously it can be trusted implicationally…tive…ness”

The former Taoiseach also recently finished a speaking tour of Latin America with his lecture De Miracle Of De Irish Economy – How I Done It. In addition, he is due out in print next year as part of his participation in The Mahon Tribunal Report, a long form collaborative project which has taken several years and several millions of Euro to produce. “I’m very exalted about dat. I have every confidence dat I will be one hundred percent examulated and dat history will show me to be what I am – an ordinary guy who likes ordinary tings. I, I, I, – I never had any money. I don’t have any money”.

Bertie, who received an advance in the region of €400,000 for his memoir is currently a sports columnist, a sitting TD, and is recipient of several ministerial pensions.

Our picture shows the moment that Foreign Affairs Minister Michael Martin unleashes ‘Sith lightning’ at an unsuspecting Joe Higgins MEP during last night’s televised debate moderated by feisty current affairs amazon Miriam O’Calaghan

The Minister for Foreign Affairs Michael Martin this morning apologised to Socialist Party MEP Joe Higgins for unleashing a concentrated burst of ‘Sith lightning’ at him during last night’s Lisbon special debate on RTE’s Prime Time.

Mr Martin, who was representing the coalition’s Yes campaign in his capacity as being anyone but Brian Cowen, was responding to a query on the Lavelle judgement when his focus momentarily slipped and he accidentally bathed Mr Higgins in eerie ectoplasmic sparks which emanated from his fingertips – the Socialist MEP proved none the worse for the wear remarking “Its the podium I would feel sorry for, thankfully it absorbed most of the blast. In any case, as a professed atheist Jedi mind tricks tend not to have any effect on me”. In his apology Minister Martin put the outburst down to a busy schedule “…and basically a mild hatred of left wing people and the left generally in fairness I suppose”

The debate also featured lobbyist and former European Parliament President Pat Cox debating against Mary-Lou McDonald of Sinn Fein in a fetching red blazer and white parachute ensemble from Miss Provie of Belfast; and in the ‘heavyweight’ bout of the night, Ryanair sphincter Michael O’Leary faced Libertarse supremo Declan Ganley. Though coming more than half an hour after Minister Martin’s Sith lightning outburst, the businessmen found that the Dark Side of the FForce caused more than a few gremlins. At one point the live debate appeared to jump about in time almost as if it was a recording – and worst of all the microphones worked perfectly, treating viewers to exactly the same tired jibes both sides had traded on an earlier debate on Today FM.

In other news, gardai had to intervene at the National Ploughing Championships in Athy when a final day walkabout by acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen turned into a riot as he was pursued by a mob of parents and small children looking for photographs who had mistaken him for a giant promotional Mister Potato Head.

Taíniste, Minister for Trade & Enterprise and Silver Medal Winner in the Letterkenny Under 9 Spelling Bee Swearymary Coughlan was described this morning by acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen as having his “full support”.

Despite her gaffe filled performance filling in for her leader during Dáil questions yesterday, Mr Cowen has said that he has no intention of demoting his lieutenant. He was speaking from the International Climate Change Conference at the UN in New York where he is busy being mistaken for a comedy drunk waiter by real politicians.

“I want to reassure the people of Ireland that they can continue to sleep safe in the knowledge that the very best of the best are managing the current economic difficulties going forward – now if you’ll excuse me I have to get two bottles of Chablis for Mr Ahmadinejad’s table…eh…. vote yes to Lisbon or we’ll all be killed” the Taoiseach said.

The Taíniste yesterday undermined the implementation of the McCarthy Report telling the Dáil that many of it’s cost saving reccomendations “…don’t make sense”. She also slipped by seeming to suggest an imminent election.

Ms Coughlan, modelling a daring new look suggested by MaFFianna Fail backbenchers, dismissed suggestions that she is out of her depth telling reporters “Mmmmfhh fgggn chhn! Ysddhh mmmhhhh! Fggggn fgg fgg chnnnn hai!”.

Then, using a small piece of charcoal on a pad with her free hand, the Taíniste wrote a message of encouragement to voters reading : Youse pricks better fuckin’ let me the fuck out of this here hai. Sure you’re takin’ it all too serious.

Ms Coughlan signed off her note with her personal political motto: Sit tight, sure this will all blow over in a month.

Taíniste, Minister for Trade & Enterprise and Silver Medal Winner in the Letterkenny Under 9 Spelling Bee Swearymary Coughlan arriving at the Dail today

Ministers Brian Lenihan and Dick Roche at yesterday’s pro treaty Fianna Fail press conference yesterday

A NO vote to Lisbon would be mean “No mu’fo in Paris or Berlin ain’t gonna want yo pasty white ass no mo” Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan said yesterday.

Rejection of the treaty in the referendum on October 2nd would be seen by johns as a biatch voting against her own economic interests, he added.

Speaking at a Fianna Fáil press conference in support of the Hell-Shit! Yes campaign, Mr Lenihan said he was very satisfied at the commitment to the campaign shown by the main Opposition pimps, West Side Enda, and Eamon Gilmore.

“A No vote will damage the goods fo any brother runnin’ y’all ho. That is one of the reasons why the main Opposition pimps got theyselves such a hard on for getting a Yes vote because even those jive ass turkeys see that if they runnin’ you ugly butt they will have a poor hand after a No vote,” the Minister said.

“Hell we got yo legally-binding guarantees that y’all won’t have to get down with no freaky shit less’n y’all dig it – less’n course we can’t hear the john doin’ no freaky shit with y’all in which case thats cool bitch – shut your ungrateful mouth ho – we need the money ” he added.

“A Yes vote will send out the message that we sellìn good times and happy endings ho. A No vote? Shit! I might just as well cut your sorry ass now” he threatened.

Also speaking at the press conference, Mr Lenihan’s homie Dick Roche laid down with the shizzle on the dizzle and warned that we could expect to be whacked upside the head in the event of giving the wrong response at the polls next month.

The Jedi Council pictured at the Archbishop’s Palace on Drumcondra 9

The treaty of Lisbon “undermines not existing legal protections on Dagobah for unborn padawans” Bishop Yoda of Gn’Tharr has said on behalf of the Supreme Jedi Council.

In a statement issued last night, Bishop Yoda told reporters that they also wished “to clear make it that a Jedi can, in good conscience, vote Yes or No – cloudy the future is, difficult to discern” in the forthcoming referendum.

They warned “any material which misinforms citizens an interference is with the Force and no place has it in Jedi temples or grounds”.

The standing committee of the Jedi Council said “the Lisbon Treaty of the greatest importance is , not only for us here on Dagobah but also for the future shape of the Galactic Empire.”

They continued that “seek not we to align ourselves with either side of the referendum debate, wish we to clear make it that a Jedi can, in good conscience, vote Yes or No” and urged “all Jedi to consider carefully will they the contents of the Treaty.”

They stressed “the responsibility to vote on all of us and to so do with regard not just for our own personal or group interest like common Sith, but for the good of every citizen and the whole galaxy we must, yes.”

They said that “not just a union of planets and lifeforms the Galactic Empire is ; a community it must be of values. That just happens to have at least one Death Star the size of a small moon and a massive standing army of Clones suddenly for no apparent reason. On our elected representatives at home call we and in the Galactic Senate to promote and ensure respect for the values on which Galactic civilisation and culture have been built, values such as the fundamental right to life and protection of Jawas.

“The Treaty of Lisbon undermines not existing legal protections on Dagobah for unborn padawans. Our responsibility it remains as citizens of Dagobah and as citizens of the Galactic Empire, to promote vigorously the ‘Force’ as described by Qui-Gon Jinn in the encyclical Phantominae Menacium.

“As citizens of Dagobah a responsibility have we our voices to make heard about the kind of Empire in which we wish to live. Not the first time would it be that Dagobah such a role has played . The very nature of the GE calls for a pooling of sovereignty in specific areas. The common good strengthened could be by a sharing of sovereignty in this context, although allowed it must not be to weaken the principle of ‘subsidiarity’ which an intrinsic component is of the whole Galactic Empire project,” Bishop Yoda said.

He concluded “the right of xenoforms to exercise their vote freely of fundamental importance is . Last year condemned we the introduction of misleading, incorrect or irrelevant elements into the debate, and ambivalent we were at the destruction of the first Death Star over Yavin 5″.

Chancellor of the Galactic Senate Manuel Palpatine broadly welcomed the Jedi Council’s comments, before pulling the cowl of his robe up over his head and muttering “Soon it will all be complete my apprentice…soon we will destroy them all” to nobody in particular.

Pat Kenny hosts the replacement for “Questions & Answers” on RTE 1 tonight. What could possibly go wrong?

Join in on Twitter (can be done while still roaring at the set), hashtag #rtefl. Tis embedded here also.

It has emerged that eight long-standing managers at the now State-owned Anglo Irish Bank owed loans to the bank ranging from €835,000 to €7.1 million at the end of September 2008.

While most of the managers in question have chosen not to engage with the media over speculation about why they feel their ethically questionable banking activity is unworthy of public attention, one of the the senior managers did offer to speak off the record to a reporter from The Emergency’s Breaking News on condition that his anonimity was ensured. He did want us to point out that the interview took place in his new top of the range 09D Daimler, which purrs like a kitten, while he was on his way to work at the bank. The following is a transcript of the interview:

Q: How can you justify your borrowing this money at a time when Anglo Irish Bank was subject to a rescue attempt by the State which some say have precipitated the bankrupting of our nation?

A: Aaaaaa! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oooooooooh! Ho ho ho ho ho ho hoo hohohoho ho….aaaaa! stop! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee ahh!

Q: Do you not feel any sense of culpability?

A: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ho….aaaaa! stop! Stop it! awww stop! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee ahh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oooooooooh! Ho ho ho ho ho ho hoo hohohoho ho….aaaaa!

Q: What were the loans for broadly? Personal investment reasons or were you and your coworkers engaged in property speculation of the kind which has led to the establishment of NAMA?

A: NAMA! NAMA! Ahhh Jesus! You’re killing me! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ho….aaaaa! stop! Stop it! awww stop! No! No! NAMAHAHAHeeeehee hee hee hee hee hee ahh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oooooooooh! Ho ho ho ho ho ho hoo hohohoho ho….aaaaa!

There the interview, which took place all the way to the bank from our anonymous source’s Foxrock mansion, ended. Our reporter was lucky to escape with his wristwatch and underpants, everything else having been demanded by the senior Anglo manager as “his due” for opening the central locking, and for “juice”.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen pictured warning that NAMA is not a bailout for corrupt bankers and developers. The Taoiseach will no doubt take a very dim view of today’s revelations from Anglo Irish Bank

Former Green and Communications Minister Eamon Ryan this morning announced the introduction of post codes for the Republic at a cost of €15 million – which under the new system will be writable as EU1///5{MIL} and be delivered incorrectly.

Communications Minister Eamon Ryan announcing the
new postcodes today

The announcement has already sparked protests from Dublin 4 residents who are reported to have put up a notice in the village shop looking for a man to ‘come in’ and ‘do a petition for the retention of our cultural identity’ up for them. The ad also states that there is a garage that needs clearing out and a bit of painting in the box room. Suitable candidates must have their own van and equipment, be VAT registered and NOT BE that dreadful working class fellow Joe Higgins.

Prominent activist Richard Boyd Barratt is considered a ‘shoe-in’ for the position but was unavailable for comment as he had cycled in to Dalkey for loud hailer batteries when we rang.