Eircom will block the Pirate Bay site leaving thousands of users unable to download free pirates from September 1st.

A spokesghoul for the Internet Service Provider and Moral Guardian of The People of Ireland, Modem O’Toole said that “downloading these marauders of the high seas” was “dangerous, immoral, illegal and confusing to me personally”.

Eircom will not block sites like Napster. “We wouldn’t begrudge a fellah a wee nap,” O’Toole admitted, “wherever he gets it from. Napping is part of the Eircom culture. Not so cutlasses and mouthy parrots.”

Eircom’s broadband service is a popular scheme which gives many of it’s users a genuine chance of being able to use selected bits of the Internet for up to 20 minutes at a go.

Japan, for many years known as the ‘Asian Ireland’ economy, has emerged from it’s longest recession since WW2, prompting a surge in sake sales and an upturn in karaoke bar bookings unseen since the early 1980′s.

Japanese Finance Minister Bri Lenih-San has announced an immediate reward of 18 seconds of extra free time per Japanese citizen to be phased in on a weekly basis until 2027. Many economists however say that such ebullient celebrations may be premature and are urging caution.

Ryan Bigot, Emeritus Professor of Economics, Whining & General Begrudgery at UCG is one such. “It’s all well and good them Toyota fabricating warlocks with their minaturise this and geegaw that witchcraft thinking that they’re well up in the green shoots of recovery stakes just because they’ve managed to squirell away a few billion yen in exports lately – but they’re in for a land them buckos” he told bystanders while waiting for his car at the NCT testing centre in Galway’s Merlin Park Industrial Estate.

Pausing only to to wipe his nose on an old woman’s sleeve and open another can of Tesco cider, Professor Bigot expanded on his theory that there are rough times still ahead for Japan; “They haven’t factored in the next bombshell coming for them have they? Hah? No they haven’t! What kind of a slump are they in for when they realise that there’s no more poor gobdaws in Ireland left to buy 219 flat screen plasma televisions and a Honda 50 each every two days hah? None of that oul Japanese shite lasts jig time anyways. Not like my car. Its a decent Irish car. A 88G reg green Ford Escort……what do you mean its not passed? Of course its passed! That car was blessed with spittle collected from Mini-Dev O’Cuiv himself….not passed me hole ye little….what are you? Cuban or what? Are ye English?”

The Celtic Tiger committed hari-kiri earlier this century but didn’t bleed out due to several clots, chiefly the renowned fantasist Bertie Ahern.

Our picture shows the green shoots of recovery in the Irish economy seen by Brian Cowen and members of his opium ring

In a late breaking shock development on reports in yesterday’s Irish Sunday Ihateforiegners concerning misuse of a state car and driver by the Attorney General’s dog, scientists at University College Oughterard have this morning revealed that a parasitic fungus has for several years been driven around at tax payers’ expense in official vehicles and even on the government jets.

The fungus, which is scum like in appearance and consistency, has been identified and classified as F1-ANA-FA11, a most dangerous and persistent parasite according to Dr Pearse Lobe of the TCD Dept of Political Science at UCO: “This thing is tenacious, motivated and worst of all cornered – and it knows only one thing, namely how to survive…on about €4K a day in some extreme cases we’ve seen in the lab”

It seems that there is little hope of respite from the ongoing drain on public resourses. F1-ANA-FA11 and it’s associated symbiotes 1-XPD and TWATS seem set to ravage the country for some forseeable time; but is there any hope? Dr Pearse Lobe thinks that there may be.

“Some of us are pinning our hopes on H1-N1 wiping them all out” he told reporters

Minister for Defence Willie O’Dea pictured earlier last week relaxing in Limerick

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has denied that his legacy has been wiped out by the current economic crisis.

In an interview at the weekend which left thousands of Newstalk listeners emotionally damaged, caused 400 to choke and forced a Kerry pensioner to inadvertently mail himself to his brother in Nairobi, Mr Ahern, a sports journalist and amateur politician, also claimed that the Irish housing bubble had not made the current crisis worse here.

“There has always been bubbles, there always will be bubbles. You can’t run a decent sized communal bath without bubbles,” declared Ahern (13) who seemed at times confused and malevolent.

Mr. Ahern also refuted accusations that he was in any way to blame for the recession, saying that politicians could only be held responsible for stuff that happened when they were in power, or at least only when caught rapid.

Mr. Ahern reportedly earns a modest fortune lecturing on The Celtic Tiger, for which he claims to be responsible up to the point it fell on it’s stripey arse. Additionally he has been to loads of football games which qualifies him to write about it in the highly regarded biodegradeable chip wrapper, News Of The Chests.

In a move which some media and political commentators have described as ‘terrifying’, Ceann Comhairle John “Croesus” O’Donoghue was reportedly spotted yesterday paying only €1.99 for 2litres of milk in a shop in Killarney.

The signal is clear – when even the jet-setting Dail Eireann gavel wielder is now paying normal prices for milk as opposed to the usual TD tactic of upgrading to more expensive ‘Super’ milk – the party is clearly over. Mr O’Donghue has for many years been addicted to ‘Wonder’ milk and ‘Nirvana’ milk. These last two specialist beverages have been known to have a high credibility value among TDs who like to be seen quaffing it at up to €230 a litre. Scientists say that these so called mega products are merely cream and could be obtained far more cheaply, but TDs are not known for their parsimony when it comes to public funds.

That Mr O’Donoghue would be so eager to appear normal as to buy regular milk at a regular price may be a warning shot to Dail Eireann colleagues who face a reform of expenses under the Ceann Comhairle in September. Mr O’Donoghue was tight lipped about his open display of money saving; doubtless pleased that he had helped a small shopkeeper in his constituency , before carrying his shopping to a waiting Air Corps helicopter to be whisked to Farranfore to meet the government jet to bring him to his Dublin residence in time for the tea.

Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue, his lovely wife Kate, and his Private Secretary Therese O’Connor pictured recently on official business at Cannes

Dozens of citizens hit by successive failures of the money crop in Ireland threw off their clothes, formed a orderly queue on the slipway at Seapoint, Co. Dublin and attempted to swim to a new life in Wales.

Friends and relatives watched tearfully as the desperate swimmers struck out to sea in the hope of finding fortune in the Principality.

“We know it’s a long shot,” admitted one of the shivering emigrants, “but if Charlotte Church can make a fortune, then we feel we should have no bother at all doing it”.

For older observers the scene brought back dreadful memories of the 70s when fifty builders from Monkstown attempted to float to The Isle of Man on three lilos which they had gaffa-taped together. That trip ended in failure, with the builders misjudging the tides and being washed ashore four hours later in Bray, where they lost their few remaining coppers in the slot machines.