The Anti-Lisbon Treaty group Cóir has launched its “No to Lisbon” campaign with a series of posters containing stark warnings of what will definitely happen if Ireland rejects the Lisbon treaty. The slogans used include:

• The Devil Will Suck Your Cows Dry Unless You Vote NO!
• Foreign-Looking Fellah’s Will Do Your Job For A Penny Unless You Vote NO!
• A German Will Be In Charge Of The SKY Remote IN YOUR LIVING ROOM!!!! Unless you vote NO!
• Johnny Logan’s Eurovision Victories Will All Be In Vain Unless You Vote NO!

And most controversially (pictured below):

• God Will Kill You: FACT! Unless You Vote NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Member of the government have accused Cóir of being a front for the right wing Catholic organisation Youth Defence, but Cóir spokesgoon Richard Wethinkyouareallgreen has said this is not true. “Yes we do operate fromn the headquarters of Youth Defence,” admitted Mr Wethinkyouareallgreen, “But that doesn’t mean we are the same organisation. It just so happens that they were kind enough to lend us a space in their office, and that it was one of the very few office spaces available in Ireland fully equipped for an inquisition… campaign…I meant campaign.

Fianna Fáil’s Dick Roche criticised Cóir scaremongering over the minimum wage. “It is not true that the minimum wage will be reduced to a penny if you vote Yes to Lisbon”, insisted Mr. Roche. “If you look at the independent plans currently being formulated by the government you will quickly see that in reality Ireland will have the independent ability to make it much much lower than that.”

The Cóir posters also suggest that Irish patriots such as Pearse, Connolly and Johnny Logan will have died in vain if Ireland does not reject The Lisbon Treaty. When it was put to him that Mr. Logan was not in fact dead, but is reportedly packing them in on his Turkish tour, Mr. Wethinkyouareallgreen muttered darkly “Not dead ye say? We’ll see about that. It’s early days yet. Oh yes. Early days indeed…”

This advice to the government on ways to tackle the economic crisis  from former Taoiseach Garret FitzGerald   is as good now as it was then. Broadcast earlier this year in The Emergency Series 1 Ep.4 on Newstalk 106-108 FM. Read more »

 Pause For Garret FitzGerald [1:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

BEFORE

AFTER

Nearly 300km of dual carriageways on 10 national routes are to be reclassified as motorways from today; Taoiseach Brian Cowen is being reclassified as ‘Brilliant, Statesmanlike and Decisive’, Tainiste Swearymary Coughlan is to be known as ‘Dignified and Classy’, while Finance Minister Brian Lenihan has been redesignated ‘Einstein’.

At a press conference held at Government buildings to launch the new initiative, Einstein outlined in detail his determination to press ahead with a streamlined system for reassuring the markets. “The putative National Asset Management Agency (NAMA) will henceforth be referred to as The Fiscal Equivalent of The Second Coming of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ King of Heaven And Earth Emperor of Peace Forever And Ever Amen (TFETSCOLASJCKHAEEPFAEA)” said Einstein; “It will be illegal to refer to this body as TFETSCOLASJCKHAEEPFAEA – it may only be spoken of as The Fiscal Equivalent of The Second Coming of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ King of Heaven And Earth Emperor of Peace Forever And Ever Amen”.

The measures will increase speed limits on the roads to 120km/h and ban learner drivers, agricultural vehicles incapable of speeds in excess of 50km/h and small motorcycles with an engine capacity of 50cc or less. The redesignated cabinet ministers will receive a redesignation payment of €35,000 for ‘redesignation of title’ – and The Fiscal Equivalent of The Second Coming of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ King of Heaven And Earth Emperor of Peace Forever And Ever Amen will ride us like a good ‘ole boy in the backwoods hollering “Squeal like a piggy!”.

BEFORE

Taoiseach Brian Cowen

AFTER

Brilliant, Statesmanlike and Decisive

ONE OF the State’s biggest spiders believes it’s involvment in web spinning will take over most of of the country’s flies, moths and other diminutive winged creatures, but that the process will benefit both spiders and insects in general.

The Government’s plan to feed everything to blood sucking arachnids hinges on the proposed National Arachnid Development Scheme (NADS), which will trap up to 90 billion insects

Listed spider Big & Hairy (EEK), whose biggest shareholder, the Poisonous Wolf Spider and Black Widow-controlled Tangled Web Holdings, is NADS’ landlord, believes NADS will take over the flies it has on loan from other webs.

John Spider, managing tarantula of Tangled Web Ireland which is part of the Tangled Web Holdings group, told The Emergency yesterday that the company has studied the draft NADS legislation. He said the agency could take over good and bad insects. “It’s our expectation that a lot, if not all, of our prey will end up being subsumed into NADS,” he said. Mr Spider added that, unlike other players in the market, none of EEK’s flies are distressed. The nest owns a large number of commercial and retail insects, including the landmark Central Fly complex close to a big bin inLeopardstown in Dublin, Montebluebottle on Barrow Street in the city centre, and a range of other tiny winged thingies in the capital’s main businessfly district.

In Britain, it owns the flagship Butterfly power station, which it is redeveloping as a new urban chrysalis.

EEK yesterday reported that its Irish insects, including investment pupae and those under larval development, were three quarters full of tempting blood at the end of June, an 8 per cent fall over the previous six months. Its British insects were two thirds full of vital fluids, a decline of 14.5 per cent.

Mr Spider said that if flies struggling in part or all of its web are taken over by NADS, it will simply mean that the web will be repaying NADS instead of other webs. If the Oireachtas passes the legislation on schedule, NADS will begin its work towards the end of the year on a phased basis, taking on the larger chewier insects first. On that basis, EEK expects to be sucking regular insects dry around December or January.

Under the terms of the proposed legislation, NADS will assume the webs’ rights and obligations in relation to any flies it takes over.

Mr Spider added that the NADS process should be positive for both arachnids and flies generally, as it will allow the parasites to hover around sugar bowls that can then be vomited on, dissolved and sucked up by their modified proboscii.

NADS’ critics argue that it will result in the insects at the very bottom of the food chain taking on too much risk of being herded into webs spun by voracious predatory spiders as the State will overweb the country. However, the Government and the system’s supporters say that the proposed hunting method will not expose the ordinary fly on the wall to excessive risk, and that the full amount of all insects paralysed by venom and drained of life will “die happy”.

The Licensed Vintners Association has appealed to the government to support the pub industry which they say has had to shed 5,000 jobs in the current recession.

Among the dmands by the LVA are:

• Reduce VAT on drink to protect the habits of those on social welfare
• Create a National Alcohol Management agency (NAMA) to buy up unused pints
• Secure an all-party agreement that the current cabinet be retained for the duration of the recession to underpin tunrover in the industry
• Maintain current legal alcohol limit rather than decreasing it as has been proposed

The last of these requests, that the legal blood alcohol level for drivers remain at 100mg and not be reduced to the proposed 80mg level, is to protect dwindling business in rural pubs. LVA spokesbarman Francie “The Head” O’Toole claimed that “there is no difference to the effectiveness of a driver at the 80mg level as opposed to the 100mg level. In fact as an experiement recently in a country pub in County Limerick, all the customers spent the evening drinking lemonade and still twelve of them caused serious motor accidents on the way home. Drink has been villified. They’re just shite drivers, is all they are”.

This marks a shift on the part of the LVA which is a member of the group Mature Enjoyment of Alcohol in Society (MEAS), whose information website drinkaware.ie states that it is “advised not to mix drink with … driving”.

LVA spokesbarman Francie “The Head” O’Toole has defended that apparent anomaly saying: “Of course we absolutely advise people not to drink and drive. But on the other hand it would be wrong of us to start dictating the amount people drink if they foolishly choose to ignore our heartfelt admonition in this regard. You might as well be the Taliban if you’re going to force your ideas about good and evil on people like that”.

Justice John Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime has set a date for another hearing of the petition by 7 companies in the charmingly titled Zoe group seeking the appointment of an examiner.

Justice Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime gently admonished the petitioners for witholding their business plan in the earlier application, which was refused by what used to be the highest court in the land. However he said this did not in his opinion constitute a “malevolent” attempt to mislead the court.

“I’m giving ye another shot at it, lads” intoned the judge, “but this time I want to see some real malevolence in your efforts to mislead the court. Put your backs into it. Cackle a bit at least, for the love of Christ”.

The unwillingness of banks to provide letters expressing a willingness to support the future existence of the companies in question was described as “unsurprising” in the current “circumstances”. However Justice Cookthebooksabitbetterthistime thought that it would be hugely entertaining to see the contents of the business plan not supplied last time as it “must be a cracker”.

In other court news Frederick “Slash Them Open And Rent Out The Gash As A Studio Apartment” O’Toole has been granted leave to appeal a murder verdict on the grounds that his victim was only killed “a little bit” which was “not all that bad when you consider the current economic climate and recession and stuff, in fairness, like”

The Emergency: Live will perform in Leviathan: The Political Cabaret as part of Mind Field @ The Electric Picnic on Saturday September 5th starting @ 4:30pm.

The Emergency Live: L-R Morgan C Jones, Karen Ardiff, Joe Taylor, Dermot Carmody*

This will be the first time the full cast of The Emergency appears onstage together (though we came pretty close to it back in the Trim Swift Satire Festival ). Dermot Carmody, Morgan C Jones, Karen Ardiff, Nick McGivney, Joe Taylor and Eoin Byrne, will perform a full-length live version of the radio show onstage. Just without the radio. But with visibility. Material will include songs and sketches from already broadcast radio shows as well as brand new script never before heard or seen (or indeed, written at the moment). Read more »

Dan Boyle – zany

Loveable roly poly ‘Green Party’ funnyman Dan (off the) Boyle has been tipped to headline at next month’s 12th annual Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival in Dublin bringing his zany mix of policy kites and his impression of an opponent to coalition bank schemes.

Other familiar faces on the bill for the long running farce-fest are top clowns Cowen & Lenihan, and the ditzy star of the hit sit-com Oh Tainiste! Swearymary Coughlan. There are animal acts for the younger members of the audience, chiefly the charmingly hapless Green Monkey Troupe and the incredible Limerick caterpillar which has a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse.

Audiences can expect a wide variety of up and coming open mike acts, some of whom like young hopeful Enda Kenny hope to hit the big time soon, but feel hampered by a lack of real stage experience. “The thing is, I don’t really do jokes per se” the red cheeked flaxen haired wannabe told us – “I’m far more observational. Its because…I….get to watch….a lot” he concluded before sobbing gently into a nearby Bruton.

The Perpetual Bulshitt Comedy Festival kicks off on Sept 16th with a special performance of Cirque Nama‘s €90billion presentation of a freeform theatre sports improv entitled Who’s Bank Is Screwing Who Now?. Tickets are mandatory and are priced from €26,000 per man, woman and child.

Enda Kenny – “Us young stand-ups
just aren’t getting the gigs“

Headliner the Limerick caterpillar with a Willie O’Dea stuck to it’s arse pictured taking a break from it’s act – “Jesus lads, ’tis bad enough wearing that gobshite when I’m working is a complete pain in me hoop widout doin it on me day off like”

The Minster for Health, Mary Harney, has called for a ban on sunbeds because they are a cause of cancer. This would be the start of a raft of measures, with all causes of cancer eventually being banned including mobile phones, plywood, vasectomy, diet cola, red meat & alcohol, x-ray machines, tobacco, kryptonite and The Cancer Pixies.

Asked if her enthusiasm for the battle against cancer would extend to preventing cervical cancer by providing an inexpensive vaccine for young women in Ireland, the minister began to look teary and a bit cross and everyone quietly left.

From The Emergency an appeal to Brian Cowen to come off it as we head back towards engagement. Altogether now: “Na-na-na NAMA NAMA; NAMA NAMA. Hey, Brian!”

 Hey Brian [4:45m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Recorded by Paddy Meegan at Hollywood Studios