Another Endacentric cut, this time from from The Emergency Series 1 Episode 13 (The June 2009 Local & European Election Special).

The scene is the counting centre the day after the elections and Enda and his tallyman, Count von Count assess the scale of Fine Gael’s gains. There’s an unwelcome interruption by Gerry Adams who appears to have left his “mon bog” in Enda’s office.

Cast: Nick McGivney (TV Interviewer), Morgan C Jones (Enda Kenny, Gerry Adams), Dermot Carmody (The Count)

 Enda Kenny With The Count At The Count [2:21m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Unfinance Minister Brian Lenihan TD with his brother Conor Lenihan TD pictured getting ready for ‘work’

Minister for Unfinance Brian Lenihan insisted this evening the Notional Asset Mismanagement Agency (NAMA) would not be a “bail-out” for banks and developers.

Following final publication of draft legislation the agency will be in a position to buy up loans at a discount and chase debts.

A confident and relaxed Mr Lenihan, in between sips of water, insisted that the plan was not designed to protect the big builders at the centre of the country’s property bubble.

“There is nothing clearly written in the proposed Bill that will provide a ‘bail-out’ for borrowers, whether builders, developers or otherwise,” Mr Lenihan told a press conference at ‘Government’ Buildings.

“Anyone who owes money before NAMA…. continues to owe it…. and is expected to….ehm…. repay the full amount of the debt……ehm….ehm….stop looking at me”

The NAMA plan will be open for consultation until September when the Dail returns after living it up for the summer.

“It’s essential that the banks are in a position to be a motor of credit in our economy,” Mr Lenihan said. “We all know the numerous problems that have affected Irish banks – the lack of regulation, the placement of insulated self serving cabals on boards, the sickening incestuous relationship between financiers, lobbyists and legislators…..but none of that is important now. What is important is for me to stop drinking this water which has been liberally laced with sodium pentothol before I blow the jig on the whole fecking mess” he said, before concluding “My mouth is very dry now. The government of which I am a part is ludicrously unprepared on every level for anything and has been beaten at Monopoly and Cleudo by a tank of goldfish, one of whom was dead at the time…..I frequently have rude dreams about the Minister for Health, Lassie and a jelly factory”.

The much loved 25lb guns offloaded by the British on the Irish Army in 1949 have been retired today in an emotional farewell at the Glen of Imaal involving several adults who are paid good money to dress as soldiers and run around mountains.

The guns spent 60 years waging war on several square miles of Wicklow mountainside, keeping at bay the possibly lethal Cabbage-White, a species of butterfly thought to have had links over the years to Stalin, chanteuse Twink, and Colonel Gaddaffi. The guns also won the war on countless Irish soldiers’ cochleas paving the way for record compensation awards for “deafness” in the courts.

Few now remember the glory days of the early 1990s when crews manning the guns on crucially important training missions in the dangerously warlike Glen of Imaal had to pretend to load shells into the beloved 25lb cannons and shout “bang!” in a bizarre cost saving exercise most probably copied by the Department of Defence from a Spike Milligan novel.

That was then. Now in these much less economically stable times, the hoary old 25 pounders have been replaced with much more up to date and expensive ordnance which will oddly never be used on bastards who really pose a threat to the State like Sean FitzPatrick, Bertie Ahern, Brian Cowen, Sean Dunne etc. etc. ad nauseum.

However, if we’re very fortunate, there will be enough shells left for the new 109s to fire a salute over the grave of the Irish economy later this year.

Continuing our Enda Kenny mini-season, this sketch also features Garret FitzGerald sitting in his house propounding his political anagram theory. It’s from episode 10 of Series one, broadcast just before the June local & European Elections. Fine Gael and Enda are historically high in the opinion polls and Enda calls to his predecessor to bask and wallow in the magnificence.

Cast: Joe Taylor (Garret) Morgan C Jones (Enda) Karen Ardiff (Radio Announcer)

 Standard Podcast: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The Taoiseach has arrived at Ballybritt raceourse and demanded that everyone cooperate fully with legisltion on NAMA, the body being set up to establish the right to debt of the unborn in Irleland.

“This should not be cynically used as an opportunity to examine or improve legislation by opposition members in the Dail,” said Mr. Cowen in the saddling enclosure. “The time for that sort of luxuriating in pointless debate is not now, but in the future, when I’m dead”.

Mr. Cowen was narrowly defeated in the subsquent race.

A detachment from The Emergency is already hitching to Galway for the inaugural Leviathan: West at The Róisin Dubh in Galway tomorrow night.

The Emergency continues its fruitful new partnership in live performance with the Leviathan Political Cabaret:

We are launching Leviathan: West in Galway next Tuesday 28th July in the Róisín Dubh in Galway.

Guided by the theme “Is the West Awake?”, Tuesday’s show is hosted by incoming Late Late Show host Ryan Tubridy and the panel includes Irish Times journalist Harry McGee, Connacht Tribune Editor Dave O’Connell, John Concannon of Ireland West Tourism and Carol Hunt of the Sunday Independent. We want to examine how the innate creativity and innovation for which the west of Ireland is known can help lead the way out of recession.

Also Paddy Cullivan of the Camembert Quartet;

From Leviathan’s Web Site – Click Here For Further Details

Come along if you are in the West – it’s not quite the Galway Races Tent, but there’s politics and horseshit involved so it might provide an element of nostalgia for anyone who misses that foetid institution!

We’ll be announcing further live performances by The Emergency here soon. So now for ye.

This sketch was written following media reports that Enda had lost the improbably coiffured rag with the emergent Lucinda Creighton (hair envy probably) and with Galway East’s Ulick Burke who took exception to the parachuting into the region of former PD leader Ciarán Cannon.

Enda Kenny With Murphy’s Ice Cream during ’09 Election Campaign
Photo from post on icecreamireland.com

It’s not natural to imagine Enda as a violently furious person, but with reference to the performance of Robert de Niro in the famous “Enthusiasms” scene in “The Untouchables” it becomes all too apparent how things must have gone. You don’t have to have seen that scene to enjoy this, but it doesn’t do any harm and you can catch it here on YouTube.

The sketch was first broadcast in The Emergency Series 1 Episode 4 on April 4th on Newstalk 106-108.

Cast: Morgan C Jones (Enda), Karen Ardiff (Lucinda), Nick McGivney (Cannon), Joe Taylor (Ulick), Dermot Carmody & Eoin Byrne (Various FG members)

 Enda Kenny: Enthusiams [3:06m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Crime exclusive in only in today’s SUNDAY WILLIAMS by our celebrity Crime Correspondent PAUL MEDIAWHORE

Frank McCourt in happier times

Ciaran “The Fella” McCarthydundongang turned the air blue as he finished reading the best selling book Angela’s Ashes written by one his native city’s finest sons and vowed that one day he would “…get even” with “…that bollix” who had “…said mean stuff” about his home town “…Limerick” – thats according to my contacts in the Garda Siochana WHO HAVE NEVER LIED ONCE EVER

That was in 1999 – Frank McCourt’s warts and all polemic on his brutal upbringing in 1930′s Limerick was feted by Gay Byrne, Oprah and Kerry Katona alike, but his success was to come with a terrible pricetag HIS LIFE.

My sources in the Gardai have exclusively revealed to me that it was not old age or cancer which took him from us at the ridiculously young age of 78, but a TWISTED CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY forged between Dolores Euromillion (currently the world’s richest Limerick woman) and members of the McCarthydundon/Corleone crime gang determined to TAKE OUT a man who had DISSED THEIR TURF.

Local FF TD and Defensive Minister Willie Fuckwit announced today in the snug of the White House Bar that he would be changing the order of Limerick city pubs that he would be fighting in from now on “Its not safe lads” he told me EXCLUSIVELY, continuing “Dis has gone too far like – as soon as we’re all back off the lash for the summer, I for one am lobbying the Taoiseach – who is not ever drunk…make sure to write that down – I will be lobbying him to purchase a grand slam bomb of some kind and have the Garda chopper detonate it over Moyross. Its all them bastards will understand….now if ye don’t mind I have to go and drain the spuds, I’ve been at it since the breakfast lads.”

Until such time as these TOUGH but NECESSARY measures are undertaken, Gardai in Limerick are taking no chances. Loveable Limerick funnyman Pat Shortt has been placed under a 24 HOUR ARMED GUARD in case ANYONE TRIES TO KILL HIM for ever BEING FUNNY LIKE.

- but sadly for Frank McCourt it is too late. Another victim of MY SALACIOUS investigative “style”.

IN NEXT WEEK’S SUNDAY WILLIAMS I REVEAL EXCLUSIVELY “Did Patrick ‘Dutchy’ Holland Order Michael Jackson’s Death From Beyond Grave? Yes says A SENIOR GARDA“

Concluding our Green Party mini-series of clips is Eamon Ryan (pictured below in pre-Faustian times).

When we first broadcast this sketch the Green Party on Twitter accused us of believing Pat Rabittes “lies” about Green TDs on bikes being followed in cars by government drivers. This is nonsense of course. We don’t rely on Pat Rabitte for lies. We are self-sufficient in that regard.

Also, it’s not a lie.

Cast: Morgan C Jones: Various Dermot Carmody: Eamon Ryan

 Eamon Ryan: "Green" [4:44m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Here’s the second in this week’s Green Party Mini-Series in the Media Clips Section.

Running for the Green Party for election as an MEP in the Dublin constituency, Deirdre de Burca launched a campaign poster on Monday March 23rd 2009 promising that “Thouands” of tech jobs would be created in the Dublin area.
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 Party Political Broadcat On Behalf Of the Green Part [2:02m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download