Shockwaves, reverberations and a small rattling noise, the precise source of which nobody can identify, rocked the hugely respected institution of Political Journalism today as it emerged that Primetime presenter and chat show vixen, Miriam O’Callaghan has “better pins” than any of her rival political media ringmasters.

Ms O’Callaghan’s legs, which connect her hips to her ankles and are vital to the functioning of her feet, were adjudged the “sexiest” of a further 198 legs assessed for the purposes of the research by respected political organ “Social & Personal” magazine. The legs were judged in 100 matching sets of two or “pairs”. This in itself had caused controversy among unipedal scribes, hacks and pundits, but was upheld by the EU Commission For The Gradation, Sorting & Assessment of Body Parts in a Wider Social, Economic or Political Context.

TV3 Nightly News Presenter, Commentator and Huffer-Puffer, Vincent Browne, was said to be “Breathless” at the apparent snub to his own limbs. (Mr. Browne’s legs did not make the top 500, although it is rumoured his ears are to feature strongly in the forthcoming edition of “Eh?”, the paper of record in the area of sensory organs.)

Pat Kenny, top RTE broadcaster and Garden Baron, refused to comment on his omission from the list of nice legs. “There’s only one poll that counts,” said an RTE spokesperson “And that’s the General Election”. This in turn has led to speculation that Kenny’s lower limbs may stand in a future election, leaving his torso to host his forthcoming political show unsupported. “This will be no bother for Pat,” claimed the anonymous RTE source “Pat’s head is strong, his arms are versatile and his arse speaks for itself. In any case he is likely to invoke a “mid-shot behind desk only” clause in his contract to guard against just such an eventuality.

Schoolgirls at Miriam O’Callaghan’s alma mater, Loretto Foxrock are to celebrate by releasing a life size model of the presenter filled with helium later in the week off the bridge over the N11. Ms. O’Callaghan’s legs have refused to be interviewed on the subject although her mouth did say it was yet further proof that there is no glass ceiling underlying the position of women in journalism.

God’s representative on earth, Pope Twoeggsonamuffin,  announced yesterday that fragments of bone from the first or second century had been found in a tomb in the Basilica of St Paul in Rome.

“This seems to confirm the unanimous and undisputed tradition that these are the mortal remains of the Apostle Paul,” Pope Drenchedinhollandaise said at St Paul’s-Outside-the-Walls, on the eve of the Feasts of St Peter and St Paul celebrated today

It is thought that the pontiff’s infallible judgement on this matter will be backed up by crack forensic theology Cardinals Grissom and Caine at the Vatican’s CSI  (Canonical Shite Inculcation) lab.

“We’ve a-fed the bone into the-a papal photocopier and itta come uppa widda match for St Paul” said Capo  Brassioni of the Upyerswiss Guard.

In other news, economists at the Vatican Bank have taken time off counting pennies from collection boxes and condom factory investments worldwide to issue the findings of their research into the current economic crisis.  Rolling his eyes skyward and intoning deeply Monsignor Tuttiweathi a spokesman for the bank told waiting reporters and two chatemites that: “….. it is expected that any day soon the almighty will save the righteous from the global recession; either with an ark, or some kind of  modified leveraged investment product spread over 25 years….verily”

“The Emergency” team members Joe Taylor, Morgan C. Jones and Dermot Carmody make a guest appearance at tonights Leviathan in The Button Factory, Temple Bar.

They’ll be performing a couple of trademark musical numbers as well as a specially hacked-together sketch featuring many of the characters who’ve appeared on the show’s fifteen episodes to date. This will probably involve Joe Taylor playing with himself to an indecent extent. Come watch them do radio onstage – without the radio.

The meat of the evening is the debate on the question “Does Ireland Now Need Radical Political Reform” with a panel including Minister for transport Noel Dempsey, Green Party TD Ciarán Cuffe, Senator Ivana Bacik and Cllr. Killian Forde (SF). David McWilliams hosts. Booking details etc. on Leviathan’s web site.

“Ineptitude: The Scent of Mary Coughlan” is a short ad-based sketch from Series 1 Episode 10 which we believe accurately reflects the classless time of the Tánaiste.

 Ineptitude: The Scent of Mary Coughlan [0:26m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Cast: Morgan C. Jones & Karen Ardiff.

Written by: The Emergency

© 2009 The Emergency

Recorded by Mark @ Mutiny Studios..

A highly traumatised detachment from The Emergency team will perform at Leviathan, The Political Cabaret @ The Button Factory, Temple Bar this Wednesday June 24th at 8pm.

For those who have not experienced it, Leviathan is a unique blend of performance and debate with a political theme. The host is economist and accredited seer David McWilliams. This Wednesday the panel debating the question “Does Ireland Need Radical Political Reform?” includes Govt. Minister Noel Dempsey, Ciaran Cuffe, Independently Laboury Senator Ivana Bacik and Kieran Forde.

As usual there will be musical satire from resident, um, musical satirist Paddy cullivan aka Clint Velour, frontman of The camembert Quartet.

And for the first time there’ll be a live rendition (not in the Shannon stopover sense) of some choice cuts from The Emergency performed live. Details of what that will entail will be posted here as soon as we work out what the hell we’re playing at.

Check out Leviathan’s web site, follow @LeviathanDI on Twitter and also us, @TheEmergency on the twit thing.

This is the first MiniDev sketch from episode 7 of  The Emergency, first broadcast on Newstalk 106-108 On Saturday April 25 2009.

MiniDev bears a passing resemblance to Éamon Ó Cuív, the minster responsible for the €800,000 in funding for teaching Irish overseas, which it was confirmed according to a report in the Irish Times web site on April 19th 2009, would go ahead this year. This at a time when less vital funding such as that which would be required to implement a programme of vaccination to prevent cervical cancer were being axed.

The Emergency also covered the matter in Breaking News and shortly afterwards in this sketch.

Cast: NYC Lady: Karen Ardiff. NYC Gentleman: Morgan C. Jones. MiniDev: Joe Taylor.

Recorded by Mark @ Mutiny Studios

 Standard Podcast [2:38m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Mr. Brian Cowen (a Taoiseach from Offaly) has vowed not to contemplate defeat in the forthcoming re-run of the referendum on the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty.

Mr. Cowen has already explained that he will never resign as Taoiseach, and has now tightened his grip on alternative reality by promising he will not be defeated over Lisbon. Even if he is.

“I’m confident that the people of Cowenland will vote Yes to Lisbon”, explained Mr. Cowen while attending a juggling workshop in Merrion Square, Dublin at the weekend. “The Cowenish people know that we need to be at the heart of Europe. there’s no point in us pissing around in the area of the kidneys or any of that offal. every man, woman and Cowen will realise this and will vote Yes. There are now guarantees in place which will answer all the major concerns of the No voters last time – well, except the concern about not wanting to ratify the Lisbon Treaty.”

Mr Cowen went on to explain that a defeat on the Lisbon Referendum is “unthinkable”, that the future with Lisbon is “unknowable” and that the Tánaiste is “inedible”.

The Labour Party has called on the government to appoint a business bloke to the cabinet as Minister For All That Businessy Stuff. The new Ministry would be responsible for encourage business, businesslike stuff, stuff that’s done by business blokes, cool ideas for business things, the business, making business work, putting business first, prioritising business instead of pursuing the failed policy of “not prioritising business”, putting Ireland’s best business foot forward, stimulating business and the business of business and breakfast networking meetings.

Several names have been touted to fill the suggested post of Minister For All That Businessy stuff including leading entrepreneurs, former EU commissioners and a geezer who’s always walking past the Labour Party HQ window wearing an incredibly sharp suit on.

A press release from the Labour party states that “Labour wants to focus on getting people back into jobs and our research has suggested that this is something to do with business”.

The Taoiseach has welcomed the suggestion but has said he feels a teacher would be of more benefit in such a role because “we’ve loads of them”.