The Taoiseach Mr. Cowen has appointed himself Taoiseach For Life in a novel re-interpretation of The Irish Constitution and Electoral Legislation.

“There are no ciscumstances under which I would resign” he confirmed while campaigning in Shannon. “I was elected to govern Ireland and that is what I will do as long as there is a country to govern and a Cowen to do it”.

In answer to the point that he has in fact never been elected to govern anything, Mr. Cowen pointed out extenuating cisrcumstances. “Tough shit, you pinko blue shirt feckers, ” he quipped to journalists somewhat confusedly, “I’m in charge and it’ll be done my way and if it isn’t so I’ll eat both my cars, even the expensive one in the garage”.

Mr. Cowen’s claim to be set to rule in perpetuity is likely to result in the burning of the constitution, a spate of mass suicides and a coronation ceremony on the Hill Of Tara shortly before that is demolished to make way for a large empty road.

The Devil, Mister Cowen, has said there is no need for the “renegotation” of the Satanic Programme For Government with Green Party Leader John “Faustus” Gormley.

Mr. Gormley had earlier hinted that the Green Party would be looking for “a little bit of its soul back” from The Devil, in the light of recent events which have made Hell “a little hotter and more diabolical than was envisaged at the time of the formation of the pact”.

However the Devil was quick to pour brimstone onto the idea. “Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Going forward,” he cackled to Emergency Reporter Prionnsias O’Toole from the Very Depths of Hades Itself this afternoon. “Faustus and his little green imps knew the number of prongs they were impaling themselves on when they made the pact and nothing has changed. They go forward with us or they writhe in the eternal nothingness of electoral limbo”, he quipped.

Dan Boyle, a Green Party member of the all-powerful Senate, has insisted that the Greens need to be allowed renegotation. “We’re okay with the writhing in agony, but feel that the tormenting imps could be put to better use in other areas given the state of Hell’s economy”, he said.

The main leader of the Inquisition, Enda Kenny, claimed that the Greens were planning on exiting their pact with The Devil, but this was denied by Faustus Gormley who said: “We are in Hell for eternity now and that’s all there is too it. Could you just ease that red hot skewer out a bit now, O Horned One? Ouch.”

RTE favourite Ryan Tubridy has been picked to host the Late Late Show by RTE bosses in a move dubbed “wise” by former host Pat Kenny.

“I was only ever really a guardian of the ring until the youngling known to be the Chosen One was anointed to step forth” Pat told captured reporters, concluding “I will return now to my people of the wood”.

First host of the Late Late Grey Byrne was believed to be delighted. “Yes indeed folks that was misterrr Dizzy Gillespe there” he said.

Picked for his hoped for longevity, cheeky 11 year old Ryan Tubridy has signed a 200 year contract on the show, more than double the amount of years that national favourite “Uncle Garbo” ruled the roost – although it still falls several years short of the amount of time it felt like Pat Kenny had it.

RTE’s Accounts Department takes delivery of the chequebook and pen for Tubridy’s Late Late fees

To mark the first in what may be many schisms of the type scarcely affordable by a small party like the Green Party, we are repeating here a sketch from Episode 4 of The Emergency featuring a protesting Patricia McKenna railing against a party leadership in the thrall of The Dark Side. This was first broadcast on Newstalk 106-108FM on Saturday April 4th 2009.

Cast: Patricia McKenna: Karen Ardiff, Green Party Worker: Dermot Carmody Gormley/Vader Ryan/Maul: Morgan C Jones

The Greens - The Dark Side [ 2:44 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

RTE Cloth Puppet Dog, Judge has announced that he will seek the Clann Na Puppetí nomination to run as a candidate in the forthcoming Dublin South Byelection.

As a cloth puppet dog, Judge has often been critical of harsh government policy on sweeties and has remonstrated with the Fianna Fail party many times on its laissez faire attitude to road-crossing. Judge is a good boy, and has a cold wet nose. He gives the paw and will rollover on command about 8 times out of 10. He has a degree in economics and a diploma in obedience and was recently certified pest free by a qualified political vet.

A statement by Judge The Puppet Dog released was by the Clann Na Puppetí press office today which says:

“Throughout the past 175 years I have been employed by RTE where I have been a cloth puppet for most of that time. It has been a huge privilege and an honour to have performed this role. Through Wanderly Wagon, Road Safety ads and nostalgic Late Late Show editions I have spoken directly and impartially to people as clearly as I could using only the word “wuff!”. Always I have done my best to keep the boys and girls fully informed and up to date about the economy and road safety.

“As danger loomed larger I consistently highlighted the risks of taking sweets from Godmother and not keeping watch while crossing as laid out in the Code. These warnings were ignored. Instead the bold boys and girls in the government chose to portray them as an effort to talk down road crossing dangers and keep the nice boys and girls unfairly away from the Godmother’s sweet jar. It is now too late to warn, too late to turn back the clock – especially with that narky old Crow pecking your arse off every time you get withing shotgun range of him, too late to undo the damage that has been done to countless victims of this sweet drought and road business. The damage to the boys and girls and their imaginary friends ‘Mister Money’ and ‘Sally Security’ has been huge.

“I have absolutely no confidence at all that the bold boys and girls who led us into this silly mess are capable of leading us out. Ireland needs an alternative – a new hand on the reins of the Wanderly Wagon, somoneone that is capable of fresh thinking, is strong enough to drive changes, is brave enough to tackle witches and forty coats and to restructure and reorganise the way the wagon operates to ensure sweets and happy magic are restored.

“This is a time for change. It is a time cloth puppet dogs like me to play a bigger part in trying to fix the things that have gone wrong and getting the wagon back on its feet. It is time for me to show my bite is as good as my bark.

“I believe that Clann Na Puppetí is the political party best placed to provide the new leadership and vision that the country desperately needs. Led by Bosco, ably assisted by Socky and The Morbegs, the party has set out a comprehensive policy agenda that encourages me to see Clann Na Puppetí as the party with the right team and new ideas that can get our wagon back on a wanderly track. As a result I have decided to seek the Clann Na Puppetí nomination to contest the Dublin-South byelection for a seat in the Dáil that is to be held on June 5th this year.”

Although Fianna Fail had been expected to run son of deceased Minister Seamus Brennan, Shay Brennan an accomplished, some would say “complete” banker, it is now expected that Twink and Pat “The Hat” Ingoldsby are in with a shout there as well.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a solitary outpost planet-nation in possession of a large need of innovation must be in want of a gloriously overqualified Junior Minister for that sector.

The beautiful and all-knowing Con-or Jor-El Leni-han

Luckily, that is exactly what said planet-island has been given, in the form of polymath Con-or Jor-El Leni-han the younger.

Insubordinate space journalist Adrian Weckler, a writer with pitiful Earth journal The Sunday Business Post, learned this harsh fact- plus a sense of burning and everlasting personal shame- when he dared to question, on the printed page, the merits of allowing such an important post as Junior Minister for science, technology, innovation and natural resources to fall to the glorious stewardship of all-knowing Jor-El. The reply was swift and just.

‘I am probably the best qualified around here for this post. If you’d researched it, you’d know I was a journalist. And I worked with Moff Tarkin O’Brien for 10 Earth years. I know about technology,’ said Con-or Jor-El serenely to the vexatious journalist. He did not speak these words, of course, but used a crystal lattice communications device far beyond the science of Earth to fragment his thought density to a level understandable by meagre human ‘intelligence’.
The incensed human Weckler, however, pointlessly kept repeating over and over again ‘I don’t see how that qualifies someone to be a technology boss.’
Leni-han, whose understanding was gained over millennia of learning in the powerful Leni-han Academy, felt no need to justify his appointment to an Earth termite, whose pitiful concerns with science, technology, innovation and natural resources all centered around the desperate desire to create a ‘sustainable economy’ and ‘jobs’ for other Earth termites, all of whom would ultimately die in any case.

‘What are your views on issues that a law-making executive should be aware of, such as fibre-to-the-home and next generation mobile standards. Do you have views on these things?” persisted the termite
‘Yes of course I have views on these pitifully outdated technologies,’ replied Jor-El serenely.
‘What are they?’ shrieked the Earthlet.
‘When I settle into the brief, maybe I’ll come back to you with those views,’ thought-transferred Jor-El.
‘But why not tell me now?’ whined the virus.
‘I’m not answerable to you. I do have views,’ said Jor-El, crushingly.
But what are your views?”
‘I’m not answerable to you, Earth sock-puppet. I may or may or may not come back to you with my views.’

Jor-El did not need to exert any of his incalculable strength to crush this feeble foe. Mere superior reason was sufficient. The Elders hope that in time, Earth’s ultimately unimportant food chain will come to realise what a treasure has been given to them in the form of Jor-El Leni-han, Junior Minister for for science, technology, innovation, natural resources and wind instruments. But they probably won’t.