Donegal boobs are to be next to feel the cold hand of governmental mismanagement.

Breast Check CEO Tony O’Brien confirmed that ‘financial constraints, coupled with the Government recruitment freeze, has left his team with no option but to forgo the roll-out of Breast-Check services to Donegal for the forseeable future.’

The departmental solution? To develop a super-race of breast-free women, unencumbered by these last mammarian vestiges of a sexist day whose time has gone.

‘Well we’re delighted,’ intoned a spokesmuddler from the Health Scandal Emergency services, ‘Boobless women are pointing to the future, not to mention representing an obvious saving to the HSE, and we’re greatly encouraged by the lead that Donegal has taken in this development of hermaphroditic ladybump-free ladies. Traditionally breast has always been seen as best, and while we agree fully with that, we also think that breastless is even better.’ At which point he smiled with thin lips and angled his head oddly, much like a late 70s disco king doing some ‘robot moves’.

Should the controversial Donegal control prove successful, the scheme is expected to be rolled out nationwide in the coming minutes.

‘Well obviously I risk causing a storm in a D cup here but really, it is so terribly far away after all, isn’t it?’ said a senior civil servant with the Department of Health. ‘I mean technically it’s Lower Faroe. Who’ll notice?’

In the eight years to September ’08, a total of 2,717 cancers were detected from amongst 442, 612 mammograms provided to Irish women between the ages of 50 and 64. A red-faced government has admitted that without mammograms this number could have been successfully reduced to zero.

Next week: hysterectomies – are they hystery?

The Acting Taoiseach of The Provisional Government has flagged his government’s intention to levy a new tax in blood on the Irish people in the near future during his speech at the Arbour Hill 1916 Rising Commemoration.

Mr. Cowen pointed out that although these are tough times, no one is actually loosing any blood yet, a situation which Fianna Fail intend to rectify as soon as possible.

He made an impassioned plea to able-bodied Irish men and women to bear in mind the sacrifices made during the Fianna Fail led rising in 1916, stop whining and open their arteries onto the streets for the common good:

When people talk about hard times, we should remember that this Party was founded two thousand years ago by men and women who were the leaders in Easter Week and in this nation’s War of Independence. That generation’s historic task was to deliver by every means at their disposal a free Ireland with the wealth of the people expressed in row upon row of jerry-built empty houses in linear developments. They did so with courage, commitment, cuteness, manipulation of reality using the dark arts and the sacrifice of countless others. We too, in our time, have a responsibility to our wider community and our fellow citizens. Those of us who have jobs are being asked to contribute a little more to help the many who have become recently unemployed as a result of the recession which has come unexpectedly from space. Today is a timely reminder of the sacrifices others have made in the past for their fellow Irishmen and women. This government will have the courage to lay down the very lives of the people of Ireland to keep it going… the country that is, of course. Going forward

The Taoiseach then set the ball rolling by inflicting a flesh wound on an aide and drinking deep drafts of the unruly stream of blood and ichor which resulted.

Doctors have confirmed that Dail Eireann is utterly swamped by an ongoing outbreak of the deadly Complete Swine Flu (FF strain) which has mutated over several years of contact with other strains (including the vicous PD virus thought to have nearly died out and the wishy-washy GP strain which thrives on the underside of a lentil.)

Using tests including: listening to feedback from patients; watching the news; looking out the window and checking their bank balances, the doctors saw little hope of recovery as the condition is so well entrenched.

“Its only a matter of time before this leads to a widespread outbreak of Total Bastard Virus” one of the doctors said, continuing ” then we’re all boned”

Asked if there was any hope that this could be combatted effectively with a dose of Oppositionex (™ FineGlaxo) the doctor seemed unsure. “This kind of thing tends to linger for years, so as I said…boned”.

In this sketch from Series 1 Episode 6, Enda Kenny goes on a search the renegade Colonel Cowen that brings him deep into The Heart Of Darkness.

 Enda Kenny: Apocalypse Now [4:30m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

This episode first broadcast April 18th 2009 on Newstalk 106-108 FM. The Emergency is broadcast every Saturday on Newstalk at 11:30 am and is available as a podcast from iTunes or use this URL in your podcast software:

http://newstalk.ie/newstalk/podcasts/39/the-emergency.xml

© 2009 The Emergency

A fab new cabinet maker’s showroom was unveiled on Saturday with a great big TV advertising launch during what we will fondly look back on as the actually-not-that-bad days of The Late Late Show. McGuiness Cabinets are looking to capitalise on the mood of the country’s homes for doing up their, erm, cabinet.

It’s not easy work, said proud proprietor John McGuiness, originally a native of Carlow AND Kilkenny. ‘It involves a lot of ripping out of sub-standard dreck from underperforming monkeys. You should see some of the shocking muck that the last fellas put in,’ frothed a visibly calm McGuinness.

Like many entrepreneurs in the current climate of the state of the economy given present circumstances of uncharted waters in which we find ourselves in, the key to McGuinness’s enthusiasm was getting sacked by his previous employers. ‘I was fed up working with Coughlan ‘You Cash We Carry’ Kitchens anyway,’ claimed My Guinness in a pub last night. ‘The quality wasn’t there, and time and again I had to prop up shoddy work.’ Mind you, that could’ve been the drink talking.

One onlooker, by the unlikely name of Slugger O’Toole, claimed ‘You may never have even heard of this guy before, but he was smooth.’ One thing is for certain, here at Emergency Heights we will be getting a quote from this new outfit for ripping out the mouldy cabinet we’ve got and putting something less smelly in. In fact. we’ve started the quotation process already. Here’s one:

John McGuinness’ appearance on the Late Late Show tonight was a logical conclusion of months of pinned up rage that this country is feeling toward the Cabinet – and primarily to Mr Cowen, Mr Lenihan and Mrs Coughlan – towards the public sector at large and towards the scores of mostly nameless, faceless (but sometimes publicly visible) ‘advisers’ who have systemically destroyed the prosperity of this country and its chances of coming out of the recession as a competitive and growth-focused economy.

No, we haven’t a clue what it’s got to do with cheap laminated home furnishings either.

The Minister For Wild Guessing, Brian Lenihan, said in a speech to Credit Union officials on Saturday that other European governments are “Green with envy” at “the extent to which Irish taxpayers will allow themselves to be skewered through from anterior to posterior by harsh fiscal rectitude measures”.

A delighted Mister Lenihan proudly boasted than Europe is “amazed” at “the amount of pain” Irish people will bear. “That is our great strength as a nation”, he pointed out gleefully. “Even when the British lefts we were still capable of adopting our own government as an oppressor and continue to display our fortitude beneath the heel of leather boot.”

Mister Lenihan said that if the French Government had introduced the public sector pension levy that there would be “riots in the street”. He beamed with hubris as he announced “The entire world is the most fecked it has been since 1929, but nowhere else is as bad as Ireland. The Irish people should be proud of its government, of itself and of it’s uniquely high threshold for injustice in the civilised world”.

The full text of Mister Lenihan’s speech is likely shortly to be available hand written in red on a scrap of paper pinned to the back of a blue pinstriped suit worn by an inverted man hanging from a lamp post outside the GPO.

There was massive relief in Western Society today as the World Health Organisation revealed that a study has shown no ill-effects for tourists who encounter malnutrition or hunger.

There had been some concern as a billion people are undernourished globally, some of them in countries with beautiful scenery and airports. Tension swept the UK when two people in Scotland reported to their GP feeling “peckish” and “somewhat fatigued on return from holiday in Africa where they had encountered some starving people. However the National Facility For Keeping It Over There at Glasgow Central Hospital confirmed that these incidents were no the sign of a pandemic, but were in fact due somewhat undersized flight food and a broken excalator at Glasgow International Airport.

Meanwhile a man who reportedly exploded in Canada as a result of visiting the Balkans and travelling near an area riddled with old landmines has been confirmed as a false alarm. The gentleman in question had merely accidentally shouted in Toronto, where they are unused to sudden loud noises.

The WHO has confirmed that it advises governments in Western Societies to focus on odd viral outbreaks for now

The Fine Gael spokesman on Cleverness and Legal Shit, Mr Alan Shattered TD, has called on the government to introduce Universal Junior Ministerhood in the Dail from May 1st.

“Cutting the number of Junior Ministers by 5 is is simply not clever enough,” he complained in a statement issued by his office in fourteen languages this afternoon. “This shows up the government’s inability to think laterally as well as the struggle they have with joined-up thinking, cognition and simple pattern-recognition in laboratory conditions.”

Mr. Shattered has instead proposed that from May 1st every member of Dail Eireann be made a Minister of State, regardless of whether they are members of the parties in government.

“This would provide a level playing field for all,” he enthused.

Asked whether this would not mean an even greater drain on public spending, Mr Shattered went “tut” and raised his eyes to heaven as though dealing with a small child or utter fool.

“No. No no no no no! What is it between your ears, chopped liver?” he rhetoricised. “At the same time as the introduction of Universal Junior Ministerhood the salaries for such position will be benchmarked in relation to the commission-only earnings of my nephew Leonard, an estate agent in Rathgar”.

In recent months this would have meant a net gain to the exchequer of €450,000 as Mr. Shattered’s nephew has on two occasions paid people to make an offer on a house in that time.

The Taoiseach, Mr. Cowlike, has called this radical sugestion “Stupid and Unconstructive, but strangely intriguing”.

Irish Times – FG Wants Junior Ministers Cut To Twelve 21/04/09

Reports from around the country indicate an unwillingness on the part of Fianna Fail candidates in the forthcoming local elections to call to the door.

Voters in Mullingar have been dismayed at the lack of post since local councillor and mailman Batty Dolan stopped delivering recently having been bitten on three separate occasions on his mail route. On the final occasion the property owner’s rotweiller had to pull it’s owner Mrs. Brenda O’Toole forcibly out of Councilor Dolan’s left arse cheek.

Meanwhile in Galway there has been a similar lack of presence on the doorstep of the main party in Government. Says housewife and goat impresario Madeleine Horsht: “Not on single Fianna Fail candidate has called to my door. Mind you I found three looking in the window at the goats last Thursday evening”.

In Cork, Fianna Fail candidate Bobby Coughlan is so terrified of being blamed on the doorstep for the recession and the mismanagement of the country by the government, that he has even stopped using his own doorstep. “Tis terrible, ” he confirmed to 2irish News and The Emergency earlier today. “At first I tried to avoid the doorstep itself, and only egressed by means of self-defenestration. The the langers started staking out my windows and i was forced to tunnell my way around neighbourhoods, canvassing by whispering voting suggestions through the water systems of North Cork estates.

“Now I’m confining myself to staying in a corner of my bedroom clasping my arms round my knees in a foetal position on the floor and muttering to myself. In fairness, that seems to be generally well received, particularly by my cat who has almost completely given up sharpening his claws on me as I do it.”

Candidates have also begged sitting Fianna Fail TDs not to help them on the canvassing trail, although councilors in Offaly did recently agree to a walkabout with Taoiseach Brian Cowlike on condition they were all allowed to wear “I’m Not With That Arse” T-shirts.

The Minister for Irishy Stuff and People Who Live Near A Pig, Mr. Eamon “Mini-Dev” Ó Caoineadh has announced that funding for the study overseas of “Gaelic, Erse Hunger & Applied Alcoholic Fighting” will be maintained despite cutbacks in less vital areas such as keeping pensioners’ body heat above freezing in December in Toomevara.

The announcement was publicised on Sunday but was still noticed slightly.

€770,000 euro will be spent on encouraging courses such as “Yeats, Sheep and Mysticism” at The Institute Of Bejaney Shaun That’s A Grand Bodhrán in New York.

“The advantages of teaching Irish to people outside the country are obvious, given the lack of Irish spoken here in Ireland. It’s like the whole Giant Panda thing,” quipped Mini-Dev. “These are of huge benefit to Ireland’s image overseas and fit in with the Taoiseach’s plans for growing the ‘Smart Economy’ in Ireland, explained Mini-Dev speaking from the ministerial homburg earlier today. Yeats mugs, buttons and plates are a significant net contributor to GDP (in Taiwan at any rate) and the government believes that there is vast untapped potential in spreading knowledge and awareness of irish literary greats such as Shaw, Joyce, Behan, Keyes and Ahern.”

The money will be sealed in oil cloth and sent to Boston on the next Death Ship from Cobh.

RTE News Sun 19th April “€770k for Irish language promotion abroad”