The government is making figures available for the opposition parties to view in order that they might make their own proposals for the forthcoming mini budget.

“The figures are big and impressive and we hope the Opposition will stop squealing like a bunch of skint pigs and put forward some concrete proposals,” spat Tánaiste Swearymary Coughlan at reporters in an official government laneway late last night.

The government has denied that it will just steal any good ideas put forward and pass them off as their own. “Yizzir completely missing the feckin point”, insisted the Tánaiste, “It’s more to do with taking the shite ideas from them, mixing them up with our shite ideas and blaming that poxy little Spailieenfuckdogpikofecker Gilmore when the whole thing goes tits up the day after it’s published”.

The Tánaiste exclusively revealed to 2irish News that the governement has plans to expand this open door policy by publishing the same Department of Lack Of Finance figures on MySpace, FaceBook and Twitter.

“It’s the only way we’re ever going to get any feckin’ friends,” she breathed hoarsely before going for a little snooze.

The President of the European Central Bank, Jean-Claude Triquy has admitted he was taking the piss at a meeting recently in Dublin where he expressed confidence in Ireland’s ability to come through the current economic difficulties.

Government Ministers in Ireland have been referring to M. Triquy’s comments whenever challenged on their ability to come close to even having a clue how to get out of the mess we are in. As recently as last night the Minister for Moving Stuff, Noclue Dempsey, claimed that “Everything is grand. The French fellah from the big bank said he has every confidence in the government and that’s good enough for me.”

However M. Triquy told friends at a party last night night that there was a misunderstanding. Speaking in a comedy French accent he is reported to have said he was “Only ‘aving ze craique wiz my leetle Irish pig friends. ‘Ow zey love ze fairy tales in zat leetle country.”

M. Triquy is noted for his humourous badinage and recently created a similar storm when remarking on a visit to Italy that he would “trust ze Italian government wiz ze keys to my god-daughters’ boudoirs”.

Fianna Fail is currently drawing up plans to re-draw constitutency boundaries to include Jean-Claude Triquy’s house.

Up to nine jobs in the dangerously insecure “quango” sector are expected to be announced by Swearymary Coughlan the Tainiste and Minister For ‘Excelsior!’ following the announcement of a mini-budget later this month.

Originally ruled out by alleged Taoiseach Brian Cowlike last year when it was still believed in government circles that the recession was a plot twist in Fair City, the mini-budget is now inevitable as Ireland’s international status has gone from ‘donor’ to ‘recipient’ on the influential GOBC (Geldof Organised Benefit Concert) scale.

The nine jobs to be created are believed to be in the area of branding. A government spokesgoon told 2irish News that: “…obviously we have to be careful how we pitch this fiscal molotov at an already conflagrated electorate – we’re anxious to launch it under the brand ‘Budget-Lite’ or ‘Funsize Budget’, and either way the logo will be hugely expensive; I mean important…..and expensive”

“Come in – we’ve just had a recession delievered” Fair City breaks the news to a shell-shocked nation

Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism Martin Couldn’t pictured at the Irish Hotels & Other Dying Industries Federation conference in Co Kerry before the incident

The door of a helicopter in which Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism Martin Couldn’t was travelling fell off yesterday 500 feet over Killarney National Park – it is not known if it was a miracle that saved the minister, or dumb luck that he happpened to be peering at his reflection in the other door at the time of the mishap.

An official at the Department of Looking-Busy told 2 irish News that the Air Corps helicopter was bringing the minister “…out for a fly, to keep him out of trouble like” after he had spoken in the general direction of delegates at the Irish Hotels & Other Dying Industries Federation conference in Co Kerry, when the incident occurred – it had been in the air for less than three minutes when the main door on the left hand side came loose and fell to the ground.

An un-named Air Corps spokespilot told our reporter that the tragedy was nearly a red letter day for Ireland “If it had happened a split second later, they would have turned off the fasten setbelt sign and have been steeply banking left – its a shocking waste, really it is”.

In a statement yesterday Mr Couldn’t said he wanted to thank the helicopter’s crew for theis professionalism and calmness.

“I wish to extend my sincere thanks to the Air Corps Fly-Funny-Looking-Ship fellas, for their professi…..prumny….prollorfessy…doing their hard work thing this afternoon. They were cool like on the telly,” he said.

The Minster for the Indefensible, Wee Willie O’Deee, and the Army Chief of Ironic Statements About The State Of The Country, Lieutenant General Gideon Mime have been fully updated on the situation and will be receiving a report on the incident in due course.