Gardai were called early this morning to the home of a pensioner after she discovered the finance minister Brian Lendusafiver skulking in one of her kitchen presses.

The pensioner, 81 year old Mother Hubbard told reporters about her ordeal: “I had been to the cupboard earlier to fetch my poor doggie a bone” she said, “…I found that there was none. As I was in the next room about to go online and order a few tins of Kennomeat for myself and Fido, I heard a scratching sound coming from the kitchen.”

On investigating the noise, she discovered Mr Lendusafiver inside the hitherto bare cupboard on his hands and knees, looking into corners with a magnifying glass, mumbling “No way out” over and over again. After subduing him with a few deftly judged “skelps” of her bag, Mother Hubbard at first called animal rescue, but was then passed on to the Gardai at Pearse Street.

Asked if she required hospitalisation following her ordeal, the doughty pensioner laughed and said “Go way out of that. At my age I’m used to finding Fianna Fail in my handbag and purse. In any case, the hospitals are shagged”. She then administered a full round of “skelps” and went inside to listen to Joe.

The Met Office has forecast that an enormous cloud of smug will descend on the midlands later on this week.

The cloud of smugness will be centred on Mullingar, known to blind people everywhere as the “St Petersburg of the west”, and to people who have seen it as “Mullingar”. The smug is expected to form in the town for the duration of the weekend.

It is expected that the smugness will dissipate around the country early next week, with its nexus settling once again in Leinster House, where it will form patches of frustration and indignation into early April.

Mr Martin Couldnot the Minister for Tourism, Sikorsky And Bell-Huey is missing presumed largely unneccesary in his five star hotel suite in Houston, Texas, he was 54.

The Minister went missing shortly after entering his suite in the plush Daddy-Ewing Houston Plaza Hotel. In what some are viewing as an omen, the door of his limousine fell off twice during his trip to the hotel, as did the door of the elevator bringing his party up to their floor. Hotel Manager Bradley Spankteeth told reporters “The guy was unusually unlucky. His pants and one of his arms fell off when he was checking in”.

According to the hotel’s switchboard log, Mr Couldnot rang room service three times: at 8.15pm to order a steak dinner and some gold; twenty minutes later he rang and ordered more gold and 129 fax machines to be flown in from Dubai via Frankfurt and Dubai; his last call was logged at 11.04pm – it is believed he was trapped in his room’s mini-bar after falling in when looking for a tin of nuts.

Mr Spankteeth said that the Daddy-Ewing Houston Plaza was doing everything in its power to ignore the scraping and giggling sounds coming from inside the mini-bar.

Taoiseach Brian Cowlike pictured in New York yesterday ahead of his Patrick’s Day meeting with President Barack Obama in the White House.

There were smiles all round today in Washington DC when Irish “Premier” Brian Cowlike shook hands with President Barack Obama with the quip “At last Mr President, the two most influential Offaly men in the world meet”

“Christy Todd, Offaly GAA Central Council Representative is here in DC?” a startled Barack Obama replied, causing the room to go quiet briefly.

A Whitehouse spokesculchie explained to visiting journalists how enthusiastic a supporter of Offaly hurling Mr Obama is; “Arrah jayz dun’t he have got all of the posters give away with the Farmers Journal that last time we was in the All Ireland? Dez up all over de wall of the Presdienual Bedroom – jayz it drive herself mad so I’m told” the spokesculchie said, in a strong Boston accent.

A senior civil servant at The Department Of Social & Family Disintegration yesterday told a Dáil committee that the money for the dole is “running out”. This appears to be a direct result of the governments recent “high unemployment” strategy, which the government says will eventually produce “a resource in terms of quality biological trans-national trasitationary assets”.

When this goal is achieved, government experts say the cost of unemployment will be offset when the people in question “piss off”. However unemployment is increasing beyond expectations and will reach 600,000 roughly twice as fast as is now thought.

However the Minister for Social & Family Disintegration, Mary Hasafin, denies that there’s a problem. Speaking to us through the bars of our protective cage, Ms. Hasafin said: “Although the money in the National Dole Kitty is going to run out twelve years earlier than expected, this will simply be solved by the exchequer bridging the gap. And in the event of the exchequer being short, Saint Patrick will bridge the gap with his magic golden snake”.

Ms. Hasafin explained that the patron saint of Ireland has personally assured her in an email (or “vision” as she trermed it) that he will “use his mighty goldie snake of plenty to magic us the extra funds”.

Opposition politicians have ridiculed this approach and Fine Gael have explicitly pledged to replace the St Patrick policy with one based on “sound financial judgement and magic beans”.

Newstalk‘s ten second commercial for the launch of The Emergency, to be aired this week on Setanta and others. Dev’s vox provided as ever by The Emergency’s own Joe Taylor. Read more »

The Fine Girl leader Edna Kenny has attacked the Taoiseach during questions in the Dáil through the medium of fully accompanied song. Listen now in our exclusive clip to Kenny in full flight, accompanied by former Taoiseach Garrett FitzGerald who shreds his axe and shreds it good… Read more »

 Hallelujah [4:11m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Our picture (to the right) shows RTE favourite Derek Mooney pictured in real life

The state broadcaster RTE (Ryan Took Everything) has announced that it will cease to produce the long running popular political “town hall” panel show Questions & Answers after June of this year.

An RTE spokesbeing explained the move to reporters yesterday, stating: “RTE feel that Questions & Answers is no longer relevant to the viewing public at this time when there are so many more questions being asked and answers being sought”

Pausing briefly to commune with other nodes in the hive-mind, the spokesbeing continued: “Something nice and light with that nice woman Derek Mooney in it will get to the bottom of all this political stuff”

“People want answers” it said. “Questions…and….Oh my Lord Gay Byrne WHAT HAVE WE DONE?”

It is thought to have been the only moment of self-realisation which has taken place in RTE in over 30 years.

Q&A presenter John Bowtie is to produce a history commemorating the high points of RTE’s fifty years of TV broadcasting. That’ll be a Gaybo-packed nine minutes then…

The Tainiste and Minister For Unfeminine Mucksavagery Swearymary Coughlan is to run the country in the Taoiseach’s absence during the annual emptying out of TDs to foreign climes in the name of St Patrick – this despite the belief among many Dail insiders that a good-sized toaster oven would do less damage if left in charge of the levers of power for a short time; they also point out that the toaster oven can do many useful things quickly and efficiently without exhibiting any trace of pressure triggered Tourette’s.

In a related story, it has been decided at Cabinet that the traditional presentation by the Taoiseach to the US President of a Waterford Crystal bowl filled with shamrock will differ this year.
A spokescipher at Martin Couldnot’s Department of Shameful Spending and Tourism confirmed to 2irish News that the shamrock would be presented this year in a 1 litre Tupperware basin. “Its more in keeping with the hairshirt mood of the moment” the spokescipher said, before rushing off to book a helicopter to take Minister Couldnot down to the Spar and back for the paper.

The Fine Girl finance spokesmen, Richard Brutal has claimed that the
government is "sleepwalking" through the financial and economic crisis.

" I have personally had to elbow minister Brian Lendusabillion in the
ribs on twelve separate occasions to arouse him", Brutal claimed
speaking from the high ground this morning.

Mr. Lendusabillion has denied this. In a statement he said: "I have
never to my knowledge been aroused by Richard Brutal or by anyone or
anything else. I am fast asleep and am committed to remaining
unconscious for the duration of this crisis".

Other key government members have also denied allegations of
somnambulance including the Taoiseach (coma), the Tanaiste
(arsewhacked) and John Gormley (Green Party).