The former chairman of Anglo Irish Thieves, Sean FitzBorrows is refusing to appear in front of the Dáil Committee on Regulated Thievery to explain loans of millions of euro to him by Anglo Irish and by Irish Life & Purloinment. Mr Fitzborrows’ spokesgoon has said that he has been advised by his lawyers not to appear before the committee to answer questions publicly as this would mean that everyone would know what had happened.

It is common practise in the world of Regulated Thievery for many millions to be moved around in this fashion according to the spokesgoon, and it is not in the interests of “anyone who matters a feck to us” to know why, when, where or how much is involved.

Early trading on the Irish Magic Bean Exchange this morning again saw heavy losses in irish Thievery Stock, following the downgrading of Ireland to “Pretty Much F*cked” by the influentital Knackered and Poor.

Sinn Fein Assembly member Barry McSpraypaint has apologised for apparently endorsing gangs of youths in Tyrone who have been defacing other people by painting them green.

“It is well-known that I am opposed to symbols of British rule in Ireland, such as pink complexions,” explained McSpraypaint, “But I in no way meant for the young lads to go out and paint te faces of ordinary cotizens green in response to this. I realise now that this constitutes vandalism under the rules of the Assmebly and wish to apologise unrservedly whilst at the same time saying ‘In Yer Face Ye Pile Of Pasty Brits’.”

A similar apology had to be made by a DUP member Sammy McElsunbed last year when it transpired that many of his constitutents, including Catholic nationalists, were being turned orange by a tanning salon in his ownership.

“McElduff Apologises…” BreakingNews.ie 17/2/09

Taxi drivers this morning began picketing Dublin Airport from 11am. Initially none of them turned up but then a thousand of them rang in saying they’d been round Cork Airport two or three times and couldn’t find number 24.

The taxi drivers are protesting at the issuing of too many taxi licenses which they say is endangering their livelihood. The licensing authority rush released 12,000 licenses this morning to cope with a sudden absence of taxis in Dublin City Centre.

A separate group of drivers are also planning to march from Parnell Square to Government Building later today but there is some dispute amongst these protesters as to whether to go by the quays at that hour.

The arse has fallen out of the international Arse markets this morning as reaction to the reaction continues. Leading Arse trader in Dublin, Kevin O’Buggernotagain, explained that the overabundance of arse has led to a glut with the Universal Non-adjusted Bespoke End-aware Light and Industrial Euro-corrected Validatable Escalated Arse Balance (Low End) (UNBELIEVEAB(LE)) bottoming out at 2% of it’s previous high reached last year during the rush to Arse as traders sought to deny reality.

“There’s so much Arse out there you can’t sell in the current market,” he sobbed as he plummeted to the hard, cold sidewalk below.

Trading in the controversial US Arse Futures market was suspended yesterday and will remain suspended until it becomes certain that Sarah Palin will be fecking off back to Alaska.

Meanwhile the Irish Government has moved to guarantee Irish Arse deposits.

“The state will ensure that there is more than sufficient Arse in Ireland well into the next decade,” promised Minister Of State for Whatever, Sharon O’Pleasegiveusabreak.