Irish financial genius and EU Commissioner for Let Them Eat Cake Charlie McGravytrain has granted 2irish News an exclusive in-depth interview outlining his views of the current global downturn.
Echoing his comments in the media earlier this week, where he blamed a lax approach by major governments to regulation for the creation of a “super-bubble”, Mr McGravytrain told our reporter that he was frequently bullied during the 1990′s and early part of this century by “bigger boys” who held him upside down in the toilets and gave him “…chinese [sic] wrist burns”.
This intimidation was the first step in his being made to “de-regulate” and “cause a bubble” himself.
Mr McGravytrain is expected to make several pronouncements over the course of the next few weeks on the dangers of “running with scissors” and advice that one should never “stare directly at the sun” or eat “dishwasher tablets” no matter how much they smell like playdough.

An opinion poll in todays Irish Indefensiblytacky has put Fianna Fail in 9th place behind Fine Gael (30%), Labour (25%), The Greens (9%), Sinn Féin (5%), Others (5%), The Ghost Of Des O’Malley (4%), Judge The Dog (3%) and A Recurrence Of the Black Death (1%).

Commenting on the partiy’s historically low approval rating of 0.67%, the Tánaiste Mary Coughlan (not the talented one, the other one) said that while there was clearly room for improvement the party was not dismayed.

“We realise that any government taking unpopular and tough decisions will have trouble in the opinion polls right now,” she said, speaking through the official letterbox at Fianna Fail HQ this morning. “Things could be worse, and it’s only natural that the public would rather be slowly and painfully wiped out by a virulent disease than watch an Taoiseach and myself and the rest of the feckers stuck in this god-forsaken hole of a kip going through the macabre dance of staggering, slurring incompetence which is becoming our trademark. Shite, I meant to say something else. Ouch.”

The Tánaiste ended the interview by falling forwards and slowly banging her head repeatedly against the door for twelve minutes to emphasise her determination to run headlong at any and all impermeable objects in her way.

Meanwhile a spokesghoul for The Black Death has said he and his pandemic are delighted at the results of the poll and that their position ahead of the party leading the government thoroughly justifies their policy of killing everyone.

French President Nicolas Sarkaztique revealed a radical plan to cope with the financial and banking crisis currently gripping the EU, it has emerged. In private sessions at the recent meeting of EU leaders he put forward the idea of aggregating the estimated €20 trillion of European bad bank debt and creating a special bank to carry it all.

The bank will be called “Ireland”.

In a further stroke of genius the French and German governments have also suggested that rather than merely operating as a “Bad Bank” this concept could be widened into an entirely new instrument, th “Bad Country”. As the “Bad Country” of Europe, Ireland could also take on EU unemployment, poverty, racial tension and all but the top 7 or 8 football clubs from each country.

“Ze capacity of Irlande to put up zis sheet is legendary,” said President Sarkaztique, speaking in a comedy French accent from his fur-lined pied-a-terre in Montmartre this morning. “All srew ‘er ‘istory she ‘as shown ‘erself to be ze most adpet of all European nations at being the sous-chien, ze ‘ow you say “underdog”? Also we see by ze way she ‘as blown ‘er sheet completement when sings went well in ze period of ze Celtique Tigeur. She just can’t ‘andle eet. But wallowing in ze merde, in zis she is wizout equal, she is magnifique.”

The bad debt, poor social conditions and crap football of Europe would be gradually discharged in this way over a twenty year period, following which Germany would fix the roads, restore and glaze the castles and use Ireland as it’s offical “Spaßaffe” (“Fun Monkey”).

Fine Gael, a loose grouping of people not in Fianna Fail, are to demand that the entire Financial Regulatory Board be replaced in a motion to be debated tonight in the Dáil.

Fine Gael Finance Spokesman Richard Brutal says the Financial Regulator should be replaced by an armed force empowered to shoot on sight. “It’s time to kick arse”, he confirmed to 2irish News today, “for too long members of the banking community have been allowed to do what they like without fear of being mowed down in a hail of fiery death”.

Fine Gael are also seeking to have bankers’ incomes capped at €250,000, representing a 1000% cut on average and to have the so called “Golden Circle Of 10″ named publicly. Labout is thought to be considering tabling an amendment to the motion which additionally calls for the Silver Ellipse of 25 names suspected of owning more than five Louis Copeland suits and the Bronze Penumbra of 560 whom they believe have “fairly big cars” to be named and shamed in the Dáil as well.

Asked to comment on the proposed move, the current chairman of the Financial Regulatory Board told 2irish news “Fair Play To Them”. Then ten minutes later he rang back calling the move “A disgrace”.

The government is planning a scheme whereby long term unemployed will retain their dole whilst returning to work, 2irish News has learned by reading the paper. Read more »

It has been decided not to attempt a salvage of the Inept Coalition IV following its sinking off the northwest coast of reality last year, Minister of Defending The Indefensible Wee Willie O’Dea has announced.

Mr O’Dea said the board of Maffiana Fail had a “full discussion” on salvaging the foundered ship of state, but came to a unanimous view that a salvage operation should not be pursued, and that the time had come to lift as much spare “wonga” as they could out of what was left in the kitty, and commence a concerted programme of sensitive document shredding “…Before the inevitable”.

”Spending in the region of €8 billion on a salvage effort, the outcome of which is uncertain, is something we cannot afford at this time,” the ‘Minister’ said.

“A real risk exists whereby more than €8 billion could be expended on a salvage effort that proves unsuccessful or, following which, the government is found to be damaged beyond repair.”

Mr O’Dea said although the Inept Coalition IV is a “well-loved and well-regarded” place to keep crooks, drunks and their enablers, it was an 11-year-old collection of Oireachtais hacks with ever-increasing maintenance costs.

“The board was of the view that governments that sink are “never the same” after restoration and are likely to have on-going maintenance problems,” he said. “The costs and risks involved in attempting to salvage and restore Inept Coalition IV are too great.”

Irish eyes were smiling last night as the enormous budget independant corporate raider feelshite movie of the year Scumbag Millionaire hoovered up everything on offer at the 81st Oscar Award Ceremony above in America.

“Scumbag” as it is known to movie glitterati types recieved eight awards including Biggest Total Bastard, Best Double Books and Best Supporting Arsehole in a Culpable Role for former Financial Regulator Patrick Nearlyinjail.

Star of this classic “boom to bust” story Seanie Fitzborrowings nearly choked on someone else’s dinner when the gongs kept on rolling in. “To be honest with you I only showed up to pretend to be a parking valet on the off chance of borrowing a few cars” the perma-tanned rapscallion quipped to 2irish. When it was later pointed out to loveable crim Seanie that honesty could not really be considered his strong suit, he told our reporter to “look over there!” before gathering up as much silverware as he could and running out the door yelling “Its only a loan! I’ll get it back to you next tuesday!” in a reprise of one of the Oscar winning movie’s best loved numbers You Gotta Pick An Economy or Two.

Pictured at the Oscars, Mr Seanie Fitzborrowings taking Bishop Desmond Danceskirt’s wallet

Disgraced former Anglo Irish Bankheist chairman Seanie Fitzborrowings, pictured in happier times.

A senior member of the Gardai last night broke with protocol to publicly “name and shame” the 10 investors in the Anglo Irish Bankheist “Golden Circle”

Detective Superintendent Festy O’Cretin revealed exclusively to 2irish News the list of high rollers, based on his extensive investigations. They are: Mr Drivers Licence; Mr Bank Draft; Ms Hefty Unsecured-Loan; Mr F. Fail; Mr Property Speculator; Miss Tery Investor; Mr Cheque Book; Mr Robert Thubuilder; Mr Prawa Jadzy; and Mr Probablythatcrookbertie O’roneofhiscronies.

DS O’Cretin is having a big long lie-down after his strenous investigation which involved a lot of “…looking out the window” and “…thinking things up”.

Formed by Michael Collins in 1922 at the time of the foundation of the Irish Free State, the Gardai were established as an organisation to foster a sense of purpose among the disaffected younger sons of farmers deemed too stupid or too sexually “normal” for the priesthood.

A musician from La Paz known to thousands of passersby on Grafton Street as “one of those noisy feckers with the pan-pipes” has offered a staggering €3000 for the head of West Dublin TD Conor Lenihan, brother of beleaguered Finance Minister Brian Tweedledee.

The Latin American musician told 2irish News that Conor Lenihan’s head is exactly the right kind of empty gourd that he needs to fill out the bass end of his repetoire. Conor Lenihan can be played by blowing in one of his ears; different scales can be achieved by covering and uncovering the various holes on his head – the nostrils; mouth; porpoise like blowhole; and of course the other ear.

Currently Minister of State with Special Responsibility for Pissing Off Foreigners, Mr Lenihan could be followed into the music industry by other leading TDs. The Prague Symphonia is interested in leasing Mary Harney as an auditorium – and Jimmy Page of “super-combo” The Lead Zepplins has put in an offer on Environment Minister John Gormley, as he want something new and really ineffectual for his Dobermans to sodomise.

Intel CEO in Ireland Craig Barefacedliar has announced that no jobs are to go at Intel in Ireland except for the 300 jobs which Intel in Ireland announced are to go today.

Some weeks ago Mr. Barefacedliar said Intel would be shedding 1000 jobs worldwide but that no jobs in Ireland were in danger.

Mr. Barefaced Liar has now assured 2irish News that no further jobs are to go in Ireland. Unless more jobs go in Ireland. He further assured us that all the jobs currently not going would be voluntary redundancies.

A list of the volunteers will be sent to them tomorrow.

RTE News Intel cuts Irish jobs despite assurances 17/02/09