April 11th, 2013
It has emerged that coins and notes, released for use by the Central Bank of Ireland contain an error which may lead people into thinking that they are using an actual functioning currency.
The coins and notes, which feature the symbol “€” are believed to have fooled consumers into thinking that they were using actual money. The error has been traced to the Parker Bros. factory where a batch of play cash “just got out if hand” according to a Central Bank spokesarse.
1 euro coins valued at -£340 are available to Irish consumers at €30,000 each.
April 8th, 2013
Elvira Gulch, the former Wicked Witch of The West, has died at the age of 87.
Gulch, who ruled most of the central and western plains of Oz between 1979 and 1990, evapourated after somebody finally threw a bucket of water over her, her spokesflyingmonkey said.
The former Wicked Witch had lived a withdrawn life after leaving active Munchkin and Cowardly Lion terrorising.
The ‘Evil Old Witch’ was an intensely divisive figure, revered by many – but also remembered for an agenda of privatising public services, facing down the powerful Lollipop League, as well as introducing the widely-despised Scarecrow Support ‘poll tax’.
Taoiseach Edna Kenny expressed his deep sorrow at the news, remarking that “I have for a long time modelled my own hairstyle on that guy. He was a trailblazer”. President Michael D. Higgins, himself a Claddagh Munchkin wrote a lovely poem but nobody could find a box tall enough to get him up to the microphone to read it in time so he went and had a little nap in a drawer. Not all reactions were quite so benign however.
The Tin Man said that her policies had a negative effect against both the people of Emerald City, Munchkinland and the ribbon communities all along the Yellow Brick Road. The Tin Man went on to say that while he was aware of the Enchanted Orchard, he was never actually in it.
In other obituaries three people have said that they are upset about the death of the Labour Party. “Party? It’s been more like an extended wake than a party since at least 2011″ one Labour voter too ashamed to be identified told our reporter.
February 4th, 2013
Tests on the mangled remains of what was once a man have proven “beyond reasonable doubt” that they are those of the much-maligned Irish king. The remains were unearthed during the excavation of a new bottomless pit to house the taxes of Irish citizens behind the bins in the car park of the European Central Bank.
The body is in exactly the place where King Kenny’s heart was last reported as beating. There is a wound to the skull consistent with what might be expected from frequent accidental contact with German tarmac due to excessively enthusiastic bowing and scraping. A forelock believed to belong to the remains was found some distance off, having been tugged clean off in what would appear to be a type of ancient Germano-Celtic “negotiation process”.
There is some controversy over the discovery that the skeleton in question has an unusually curved spine. Scientists claim this adds to the evidence that it is indeed King Kenny of Ireland, as eyewitness reports from the time suggest him to have been capable of inhuman contortion in an attempt to bridge the gap between his stated intent and his demonstrable subservience. However, other boffins insist that there is little or no evidence to suggest that King Kenny had any backbone whatsoever.
February 3rd, 2013
Minister For Maintaining The Levels of Damage To The Underclass Joan Burton has angrily denied reports that minute traces of Socialist DNA were identified in routine testing of swabs taken from the seats of Labour front bench TDs.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Labour TDs were contaminated by Socialist DNA mixed up in a consignment of sparkling wine to Labour Head Office from Poland.
“Obviously it is a serious matter if TDs labelled “Labour” are found to include Socialist ideals,” Ms. Burton conceded at a hastily arranged conference in a government Austerity Hot-Tub this morning. “The people of Ireland have a right to expect the politics they consume to be as devoid of principle and ideals as possible. The reputation of the Irish Politics Processing industry for producing reliably homogenous and malleable TDs is at stake. Pass the smoked salmon, Alex”, she insisted furiously.
In a separate development over at Labour’s coalition partners’ HQ, Health Minister James Reilly has denied co-ownership of a company which has been accused of attempting to set up a care facility for the elderly in a hollowed-out horse in Swords. Further results from tests being carried out by a horse co-owned by Dr. James Reilly are expected soon after the minister accidentally ate the initial test results at a breakfast meeting.
October 25th, 2012
Grown men and Pat Kenny wept openly yesterday as Taoiseach Edna Kenny (Mrs) was awarded an Iron Cross by VDZ, a German media group.
The award comes with an extra meaty pouch of Pedigree Chum and a special tickle under the chin.
Mrs Kenny can now look forward to a particularly easy run in to the Children’s Rights To Pay Someone Else’s Debts Referrendum and the forthcoming
strap on budget.