RTE Apologises For Offending Itself: Pays Itself Compensation: Schedules Debate About Itself On Dodgy Chat Show
January 31st, 2014
RTE has confirmed that it has received lawyers’ letters from itself, warning itself about comments made on dodgy Saturday night flagship show “The Saturday Night Langer” which potentially defamed itself by saying things.
“We have no idea how anyone was allowed to say things on ‘The Saturday Night Langer’” said an RTE lawyer in words barely discernible from within a pile of used fivers in his outbox. “Saying things is outside the remit of that show and of this broadcaster and we have mortally offended ourselves by this oversight”.
RTE has refused to confirm or deny reports that compensation was paid to itself, but in response to criticism of the removal of one episode of “The Saturday Night Langer”, it has scheduled a special episode of the much loved comafacient in which RTE will be discussed by an invited panel of people from RTE and, to balance that, people to whom RTE has paid compensation.
There has been huge public outcry at the removal of a small section from “The Saturday Night Langer” from the RTE Player, with many pointing out that there are multiple episodes on the player which still need to be removed.
December 13th, 2013
The Reichschancellor for Finance Michael Noonan has hailed the Irish people as the real heroes of the bailout. Mr Noonan made his comments as he marked the official end of the bailout which will continue to blight the Irish people for decades. Luckily now that they are officially heroes they will spend the time paying for the now non-existent bailout in their top secret hero caves and fortresses heated by their x-ray vision.
Mr Noonan, a qualified secondary school teacher from Limerick today said that the Irish people are the ‘real heroes and heroines’ of the bailout exit as they had borne the brunt of the programme, which he said had seen the government take 270 different actions across the board, but not one action against any boardroom.
December 11th, 2013
Taoiseacheen Edna Kenny (Mrs) is to make a televised address to the country on what Ireland’s highest paid comedy writers are calling “Ireland’s exit from the EU/IMF bailout programme”. The Taoiseacheen is to make the ‘State of the Nation’ broadcast for the benefit of the deaf in the company of the guy who pretended that he could do sign language at the Mandela
celebrity selfie fest funeral earlier in the week.
The decision to hire ‘have-a-go-signer’ Moses Goodluck Charleston as a Government Special Advisor on Special Communications Access was made at a meeting of the Communications Committee earlier today.
Government spokesbeing Seoseamh Mac An Geoirballai told The Emergency that Mr Charleston’s expertise in deflecting from actual events with his antics would be a valuable skill for the Taoiseach to be able to take advantage of. “Sure ye know yourself what himself is like with the poking and the hand waving alone at a press conference” Mr Mac An Geoirballai said. “At least with that lad from the Mandela yoke doing the interpretative dance beside him, nobody will be able to make a blind bit of sense what Edna’s saying. “
The spokesbeing offered a tantalising glimpse of life in the corridors of power when he hinted at the Taoiseacheen’s apprehension at making the so called ‘State of the Nation’ address. “Up the walls! It’s up the walls he’s been. It took us two hours to get him out of that big cupboard in the corner of his office when we suggested it. Then some gom went and mentioned the “Vincent Browne” word and didn’t he scurry off and lock himself in the jax overnight. Ructions! Tis ructions we’ve had altogether”.
It has been confirmed that Mr Charleston will be paid as Special Advisor at normal Special Advisor levels above normal levels of pay for his engagement.
December 4th, 2013
I don’t remember Nigella. We never once met – if we had I might have had the chance to fawn pathetically as she hoovered up ‘Colombian marching powder’ before dinner, or, for that matter, smoked cannabis while out of her mind on coke after dinner.
The times I never met her over the last 10 years I must have been particularly….
….continued on pages 4 – 36
Inside our weekly magazine “Nigella – should she be put to death? Eoghan Harris says YES!”
FASHION – Be a domestic goddess without being off your ample tits – The best faux coke tips for your upper lip this Xmas
CELEBRITY INTERVIEW – Marian Finnucane tells our reporter “Cough! cough cough cough! Gaaaaasp! Cough! Nigella gasp! Cough! Wheeeeeze”
December 3rd, 2013
Hope is fading for the faculties of former chairman of the Labour Party and Galway East TD Colm Keaveney after reports that he has left Labour to join MaFFIanna Fail.
Keaveney could not be contacted for comment this morning but tweeted in Latin that “fortune favours the brave”.
In reponse, Latin tweeted “That’s not brave, that’s transparently fuckin’ stupid Colm” in English