Unity Of Shane Ross Threatened By Split Over Judge

June 19th, 2017

The Unity of Shane Ross, the current Minister for Stepaside, has been threatened by a row amongst him over the appointment of former Attorney General Máire Whelan to the Court of Appeal.

Mr. Ross wholeheartedly approved the appointment a few days ago as a member of the cabinet, but is appalled by his actions and is now demanding a review.

“I am a thundering disgrace to have stood idly by and let this happen,” he squeaked from a soap box in Stepaside earlier today. “I will now be demanding a review of this decision. I must be held to account. Would you like a tour of my Garda Station? I like sport.”

Shane

Shane

Ross

Ross

If he cannot resolve his differences with himself it is not thought that Mr. Ross will resign from cabinet. Instead he will split, with Shane holding his cabinet seat and doing whatever he needs to to hang on to it, while Ross will rail against him every step of the way and do light foaming duties in his constituency office.

NTA Announces Athlone Initiative To Combat Dublin Bus Congestion

May 29th, 2017

The National Transport Authority (NTA) has announced plans for new orbital bus corridors. Presently huge delays are caused by passengers being forced to take buses which travel in a straight line between locations on opposite sides of the city. Under the new scheme, however, the busy Dublin city centre will be bypassed by routing buses through Athlone, Carrick-on-Shannon and Tampa Bay.

Other changes expected to happen about ten years after the NTA plans to introduce them include a cashless fare system where passengers will have either fares deducted at source from their earnings or be able to take advantage of a CAB-type set up where their assets or organs are conveniently seized in lieu.

New Look Dublin Bus Fleet

New Look Dublin Bus Fleet

Existing bus lanes will be widened to accommodate new wider, low emission vehicles. These will essentially be constructed along the lines of Phoenician galley ships, with propulsion depending on passengers pushing the vehicle along with large “oars” or “sticks”.

The new fleet will have a swanky new livery. There will be a public competition for the design which will be won by the nephew of the Minister for Transport.

Daoine Na h’Eireann. Come With Me If You Want To Live

May 23rd, 2016

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This sketch was first broadcast on Newstalk 106 in 2009. For those of you who say “nobody warned us that the Irish electorate has the attention span of a lobotomised prawn”. A warning from the past about a warning from the past that is a warning from the past.  We don’t want to go all Twilight Zone on you.  Just stop voting for criminal bastards, will you?

Featuring Karen Ardiff, Morgan C.Jones, Dermot Carmody and Eoin Byrne

 

Play

Fianna Fail In Negative Poster Shock!

January 13th, 2016

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There has been outrage in political circles at the new so called “negative” campaign posters released today by well known crime syndicate MaFFianna Fail which feature popular primary school teacher Edna Kenny.

Mr Kenny, a philanthropist who has worked tirelessly for one of the most disadvantaged men in Malta was unavailable for comment but his spokesbacterium said that this was because somebody had made the error of saying “the Vincent Browne word” within the Taoiseach’s earshot causing  him to run away and hide “again” possibly in “that hut himself and the others built in the park across opposite like”.

In other news Tanaiste Joan Burton leader of the Smoked Salmon Canapé & Rising Party praised carers for their commitment despite the removal of some 75% of their supports since the coalition came to power in 2011. Ms Burton then managed to not fall into a puddle during a photo opportunity but was seen directing her car towards disadvantaged housing estates in the west of the capital in the fond hope of causing a nice small riot in time for the six o’clock news.

Fianna Fáil “Ready to return to Government”

January 12th, 2016

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"Why so sad?" MaFFiana Fáil leader Micheal Martin warning "We will kill again - it's in our nature. Just put the No1 in the box and nobody gets hurt. Until we start hurting you again"

ELECTORATE READY TO “RETURN TO THE CENTRE…”
An unrepentant MaFFianna Fáil today threatened that it was ready to “return to government” and that it had “plans” for the hated USC (Universal Shafting Charge) involving it becoming “a rainy day fund”.
“WE WILL KILL AGAIN”
Party Finance spokes-hood Michael McThepenguin told reporters today that the fund would be administered by the NTMA and would only be used in the event of a  “catastrophic economic crash or unemployment crisis”.
FF “JUST CAN’T HELP IT”
He then outlined the rest of the party’s plans in almost hopeful chidlike detail while tying Batman to a chair ensuring no escape for the caped crusader.