January 13th, 2016
There has been outrage in political circles at the new so called “negative” campaign posters released today by well known crime syndicate MaFFianna Fail which feature popular primary school teacher Edna Kenny.
Mr Kenny, a philanthropist who has worked tirelessly for one of the most disadvantaged men in Malta was unavailable for comment but his spokesbacterium said that this was because somebody had made the error of saying “the Vincent Browne word” within the Taoiseach’s earshot causing him to run away and hide “again” possibly in “that hut himself and the others built in the park across opposite like”.
In other news Tanaiste Joan Burton leader of the Smoked Salmon Canapé & Rising Party praised carers for their commitment despite the removal of some 75% of their supports since the coalition came to power in 2011. Ms Burton then managed to not fall into a puddle during a photo opportunity but was seen directing her car towards disadvantaged housing estates in the west of the capital in the fond hope of causing a nice small riot in time for the six o’clock news.
January 12th, 2016
ELECTORATE READY TO “RETURN TO THE CENTRE…”
An unrepentant MaFFianna Fáil today threatened that it was ready to “return to government” and that it had “plans” for the hated USC (Universal Shafting Charge) involving it becoming “a rainy day fund”.
“WE WILL KILL AGAIN”
Party Finance spokes-hood Michael McThepenguin told reporters today that the fund would be administered by the NTMA and would only be used in the event of a “catastrophic economic crash or unemployment crisis”.
FF “JUST CAN’T HELP IT”
He then outlined the rest of the party’s plans in almost hopeful chidlike detail while tying Batman to a chair ensuring no escape for the caped crusader.
January 8th, 2016
FACTS ARE FACTS
Well Gerry, I hope you’re happy. You’ve broken the hearts of Irish “Trekkeries” and chased away untold billions of filming fees. Yes readers you heard it here first. The real reason Spielberg won’t be filming any more of his popular Doctor Harry Who movies on Skellig Michael is this and it has little or nothing to do with the nesting habits of corncrakes: Gerry Adams and the IRA and their fellow travellers in the AAA/Socialist party death cult who are threatening to drag us to Marxism and a ruined economy.
DOES ANYONE ELSE SMELL BURNT TOAST?
So you can tell that to your crying nieces and nephews when they ask why Mister Spock isn’t ever going to sing “Let It Go” waving his “lazersword” on Irish soil again.
I MUST GET MORE OF THOSE TABLETS FROM THE DOCTOR
So Disney took the cold hard decision to spend just under a trillion dollars to build an exact life size replica of our wild Atlantic outcrop in London. A trillion. Just to be sure that the actors playng Metal Mickey, K9, Alf and all the other favourite characters aren’t killed by terrorists.
THAT PIGEON JUST LOOKED AT ME FUNNY
Far be it from me to suggest it but the time has come for government to act. Gerry Adams and his pal McGuinness should be rounded up with the rest of the gunmen; and the reds like Murphy, Daly, Wallace and Higgins. Round them up and jail them without trial. Otherwise they will continue to chase away valuable international opportunities and drag our gentle nation into a totalitarian Marxist gunman state where people can be rounded up and jailed without trial.
Just think about that for a moment.
It that the Ireland that you want your children to grow up in? Me neither. Round them up End and Joan. Round them up.
January 6th, 2016
Loveable stage Irish man, full time gombeen and publican Michael Healy-Rae TD for Kerry South today tested the very outer bounds of cognitive dissonance by repeating his call for a relaxation of drink driving regulations in rural areas.
Interviewed on Denistalk FM Healy Rae said: “We’ve lost an awful lot of our rural pubs and what has happened is actually wrong because these pubs were providing a great service…..if a person goes out and has a little drink, they were hurting no one, they weren’t causing accidents, they weren’t killing people”.
Well if he can recycle gags, so can we…
January 6th, 2016
Nominations closed earlier this evening for the coveted position of President of the Irish Farmers Association.
Past holders of the title have managed to amass fortunes leading to placement on the Zetor Owners Monthly annual 100 Richest Culchies List.
Controversy in recent times has led to the paring down of graces and favours previously connected with the role. The next IFA President will no longer have the title Lord Of All Livestock and will lose with it the right to graze his heifers on the rooftop of the ILAC Centre car park. A notional award but valued among the agricultural community for bragging rights particularly if the GAA season falls well for your county and the Lord Of All Livestock meets a Dublin fan in Coke Park during the All Ireland Final.
From Our Man Up To His Oxthers In Shlurry Quentin Lazenby-Hyde