Gardai Warn Racegoers Of ‘Criminal Element’
July 29th, 2010
Well known to Gardai: Ballybrit teeming with usual suspects and recidivism
NEWS IN BRIEF
Members of the public attending the Galway Races have been warned by An Garda Siochana to be on the lookout for petty criminals and con artists who have predictably descended en masse on the western capital eager for rich pickings.
Mattie McGrath And Mary White In Frontal Lobotomy Imbroglio
July 28th, 2010
Mattie – doesn’t know what a frontal lobotomy is: well that was a success then…
Rebel Fianna Fail pondscum Mattie McGrath is reported to be more whiny than usual following comments made by Green coaltion colleague Mary White during the recent Stag Hunting debate.
Allegedly Ms White approached Mr McGrath outside the chamber during a break in proceedings and asked him if he knew what a frontal lobotomy was. He replied that he didn’t and was so confused that he went to ask a solicitor what it was instead of a doctor.
Our picture shows a mock up of Mattie McGrath following a lobotomy, although it has been pointed out to us by our medical consultants that the scars would be closer to his well upholstered arse if Mr McGrath were to undergo such a procedure in real life.
Thornton Hall Downgraded To ‘Large Box‘
July 28th, 2010
The first of 3 computer generated mock ups of the three phases of the government’s revised plans for the Thornton Hall ‘Super Prison’ v.1 (fig1)
In its heyday it was the maximum security dream prison of then justice minister Michael McDo-ill – now the massively overpriced Thornton Hall project (€42.4 million and counting) beloved of the man they used to call “The Fuhrer” has been downgraded to reflect more austere times.
Thornton Hall ‘Super Prison’ v.1(fig2)
Far from being the impressive grey Lubyanka envisaged by it’s progenitor the prison will now be of more modest proportions, over three distinct phases, but will doubtless be sure to cost a heap load more money than the citizenry are being told.
Just as well that they can face a hefty spot of “time out” if they complain – the unpatriotic blackguards!
Thornton Hall ‘Super Prison’ v.1(fig3)
Acting Taoiseach Announces Major Infrastructure Plan
July 26th, 2010
The cover of the OPW booklet ‘Toward 2016′ outlining the schedule of proposed works on the Tower of Drimnagh
The coalition government cabinet meeting for the last time before summer recess has agreed to press ahead with several large scale capital projects including Metro North, the Dart Interconnector and Construction of An Tower To Ye Heavens which is to be located on a greenfield site in Drimnagh “secured through NAMA at a steal”. Speaking today from under his security blanket, acting Taoiseach Brian Cowen described the decision to go ahead with the various projects as “tough”.
Mr Cowen told reporters “And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. And it came to pass that Lehmann Brothers caused us to crash; And we said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And we will have brick for stone, and slime for mortar. Going forward . And let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. Paradigm….”. The Minister for Making Ludicrous Claims About Finance Brian Lenihan insisted that “This tower will pay for itself in the short to medium term and will make every Irish citizen several million euro by the time it is open in 2017″.
The Tower, is to be constructed by a consortium of major developers working under the auspices of the Office Of Public Works. Following the announcement the OPW dispatched crack teams of men in vans to key locations near Spar outlets serving coffee and buns. These men are said to be leaning on shovels already and gazing into the middle distance. It is not clear yet whether they can see 2016 yet, but they are clearly on the lookout for it’s arrival.
The GodFFather Theatrical Trailer
July 24th, 2010
